In the fragile dance of co-parenting, trust is shattered with harsh words and hidden truths. The father’s silent question about the money meant for his child is met with cold dismissal, leaving him to wonder if his love and efforts truly matter. Amid the pain, he fights to reclaim his place in his son’s life, determined to be the hero his boy believes in, even when the world tries to keep them apart.
So my son’s mother and I did not work out. I travel 6 to 8 months out the year due to work. His mother has primary custody and I do send the ordered amount and some extra when I can.
Fast forward to Sunday I am back for the Holidays. I plan to take my son out for Halloween. He wants to be a Jedi, so I showed him my Jedi costume and asked to see the one his mother bought-I did send her extra to get the costume since I knew I would be back before Halloween just was not sure I would be back in time to get him the costume-she told him that’s I was going to buy it.
I was upset but just played it off and said oh that is right and it was in the mail. Thankfully I found a costume Yesterday.
I did reach out to his mother when I had a moment in private to ask her where did the money I sent go. She told me that I have no right to question what she does with the money. Our child’s needs are being met and that is all that matters.
She has primary custody and gets majority say. I told her that the money was meant for our child not her.
She was not awarded spousal support. This is where I am getting mixed messages and where I wish to know if what I said made me the asshole.
My mom said I was being the prick by questioning how she was raising our child when I am not around. I do not think I questioning her parenting but I did question how she used the money I sent.
She said she would get him the costume.
If she needed extra for something that is related to him I will always send extra. Yes, early on I was more accommodating. While she was not granted spousal support I did cover her rent and also childcare but she took forever to get a job and when she did get a job it was a retail job even though she has a teaching degree.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a conflict where his financial contributions intended for their child are being managed in a way that conflicts with his expectations, specifically regarding transparency for a planned purchase. The central tension lies between the mother’s assertion of autonomy due to having primary custody and the OP’s belief that supplemental funds sent for specific child-related needs should be accounted for.
Does the parent with primary custody have complete authority over supplemental funds sent by the non-custodial parent for the child’s benefit, or does the contributing parent have a right to inquire about how those specific funds were allocated, particularly when expectations regarding shared plans are unmet?
Here’s how people reacted:
I’m only working with what I’ve got in the post, but it absolutely feels like there is some nuance or history that is being left out.
If you asked your ex if she would be able to buy him a Jedi costume for Halloween if you sent money to pay for it and she agreed but didn’t get it, that’s her first asshole move.
She needed to communicate with you that she was unable to get the costume. Telling Son that you would be getting it but not telling you anything only sets Son up for disappointment. It was lucky that you were able to find him a Jedi costume without notice. Additionally, there’s no need to pull the ‘Primary Parent’ power move over costume money.
Now, onto you. Yes, child support is to support the shared child. But, the child obviously will share resources with everyone in the home and increase the overall cost of ordinary living expenses. They will also have expenses that are exclusive to them. Moreover, the child support you do diligently pay is not intended to fully cover the added expense of the child. Your ex also is financially supporting your son. Equitable determinations were made by a court to that effect.
So when you say, “child support is for Son, not you,” you’re the asshole. Think about the implications of what you’re saying; she should exhaust her resources and what is left over counts as the child support money you send and thus should be held aside for your sons needs. This isn’t realistic or just. She isn’t required to become a martyr to justify your contribution to your son’s expenses.
Additionally, it isn’t within your purview to determine if her chosen work is suitable. I doubt it is her preference that your work makes you unavailable to be a hands on co-parent for over half the year. If you decide to send supplementary money, that is generous. It doesn’t give you license to weigh in on her personal decisions.
Questioning where the child support money went is an asshole move because it’s implying that she’s misusing it. There are plenty of household expenses that a child needs that aren’t 100% just for that child like food on the table or a roof over their head. As long as your child isn’t being neglected your ex is absolutely right that how the child support money is spent is none of your business.
Now if you sent an additional bit of money for the Halloween costume and she said she’d buy it and then used it for something else that is an asshole move on her part, but you need to be clear that that wasn’t child support.
If you want something specific bought for him in the future you may just need to buy it yourself and send it to them.
Her pushback against your quite valid query is disingenuous – you’re not trying to be controlling, you’re not asking for monthly accounts, you’re basically saying: You asked for money for X. I gave you money for X. You didn’t spend money on X, instead you get our son to tell me to buy X. Which incidentally is also using your son as a human shield. So legitimate questions – What’s going on? Can I trust you moving forwards with future requests for specific spends?
YTA full stop. And not by just a little.
Child support is also reimbursement for what primary parents have to take care of. So if your child has clothes, food, shelter, etc. Then, just know that your child support is supporting the child. However, if your child is going hungry or clothes don’t fit or something, that’s when you can question what’s going on. The truth is if you want to get something specific for your child, order it yourself.
Mom has a point, you’re essentially a Disney Dad. You show up and have fun, then you’re off again. If you don’t want the extra money you send appropriated for other expenses, then buy shit online and have it mailed to either your Mom or your son directly. Easy peasy fix.
You aren’t there 3/4s of the time and you’re questioning her? If he’s happy and seems to be well dressed and cared for, you have no reason to question her.
You wanted him dressed as a Jedi, you buy him the Jedi costume.
But the lesson here for you is, don’t send her extra money for things on top of the child support. If you’re going to spend extra money for something for your son then buy it directly yourself online.
You said you were sending extra and she agreed to get the costume with that money.
For everyone saying it’s not her responsibility to get the costume for dad,YES IT IS. because it’s not a costume for dad, it’s for her child. She would have been going to get her son a costume regardless of whether dad paid or not (id hope) because it’s Halloween and that what we do for our kids at Halloween.
Just buy the fucking costume next year and skip this shit. Don’t pile more on your ex’s plate, it’s already full taking care of the daily tasks that your SHARED child requires.
Her for not going through with what she agreed to do. If she didn’t want to do it, she should’ve said so. If something came up and she couldn’t do it anymore, she should’ve said so.
You asked in regards to money you sent for a costume. She did not use it for the costume, so what did she use it for?
Send the required amount, and then you can pay for extras yourself or request itemized receipts for expenditures and reimburse her.
NTA. You’ve given her extra money with the specific purpose of her buying the jedi suit for him. She acknowledged that, but didn’t buy the suit.
You gave your ex a chore and you’re surprised? Also don’t judge someone for how they spend money you give them. If it’s for a purpose specifically, give a gift card or just buy the things yourself.