When the user’s ex-partner and his wife failed to pick up their son during his custody time, the school called the user, who subsequently picked up only their son and refused to take the step-daughter. Following this refusal, the ex-partner became angry, accusing the user of leaving his daughter stranded, leading the user to question if their refusal made them unreasonable in this specific instance.
Ex cheated on me when I was pregnant with our son (8) and because of this he has a daughter (8) with his affair partner, now wife. We are not on good terms and I do not have a relationship with ex’s daughter.
I have never spoken a word to her or spent any significant time in her presence. Ex and I split custody (50-50) of our son.
Two weeks ago I got a call from the school during his custody time stating nobody had picked our son up from school and asking if I would. When I got to the school my ex’s daughter was also there and the teacher was with her.
She told me I was on the approved list for pickup for ex’s daughter and would I take both kids. I said no and I told her I did not want to be on the list as I would never pick the other child up from school.
She told me she would pass the word along and it would be taken care of and I had to call to follow up on this. My ex never told me he or his wife added me to the authorized pickup list for his daughter.
When he realized I had not picked up his daughter with our son he was furious. He asked me how I could leave her behind when I would have our son unplanned anyway. I told him via our parenting app that I picked up our son as I would always do if needed but his daughter is not my child and I will not be their emergency school pickup.
According to him my ex’s daughter was there until 7 because I refused to pick her up with our son. She’s a child and I understand that’s not ideal. I don’t feel bad per say but I wonder if I would be considered an asshole for being unwilling to do it this once?
This is not something I want to be a regular thing and it’s the first time it ever happened. Ex’s wife was apparently delayed out of town and ex was working.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster is in a difficult position, balancing their right to maintain strict personal boundaries with the immediate welfare of a child connected to their co-parenting situation. The central conflict arises from the ex-partner imposing an unexpected and significant responsibility onto the poster without consent, then reacting negatively when that imposed responsibility was declined.
The core question for consideration is whether refusing to provide emergency transport for the ex-partner’s daughter on a single occasion, given the complex history and lack of prior agreement, constitutes being an ‘asshole,’ or if the ex-partner was entirely at fault for adding the poster to the pickup list without permission and failing to arrange alternative care.
Here’s how people reacted:
You’re NTA overall. As many others stated – it’s not your child and it’s not your problem to handle pick ups for her.
But, I think you are TA for leaving her. She’s innocent in all this. She’s still your son’s sister. You should’ve picked her up, tell the ex that it’s a one time thing and that you’re gonna inform the school you won’t do it ever again. And if they try to pull this off again – then you should leave the kid.
And now, to get a bit more context, I am gonna ask: do you mind telling us what’s the relationship between your son and your ex/his sister? Was he okay or did he understand why you picked up just him and not his sister? Leaving her like that, which you possibly did in front of your son, is just gonna set bad example to him. I mean, if they are close, then it would hurt him too to see his sister abandoned like that.
Updateme
The child is 8 years old and your son’s half-sister. Imagine how she would have felt, being left there while he brother was picked up.
Do you have any legal obligation to help her? Of course not.
Is your ex the problem here? Absolutely.
Does that make it okay to treat a child like that? Absolutely not.
Your feelings towards the whole mess are entirely understandable and valid. As a decent human being, though, sometimes you need to put your feelings aside and do the right thing. In this case, you did not.
You’ve treated a young girl horribly and potentially caused stress/problems for your son.
That poor wee girl has to suffer your dislike of her because of an awful situation and thats not her fault, see her brother get better treatment than her because he has you to come and save him when crap dad falls through and the abandonment because of the fact her dad is indeed a bit crap and will leave her stranded.
I get its not your responsibility and I agree that its not but my heart is broke for her.
Please dont hate her for how she got here, she has no control over that.
I would have picked her up that time and said to dad that you took your name off the list and he can sort her next time.
That is neglect of *both* children on *HIS* part. The right person could even spin it as abandonment.
Document the hell out of this, and consider returning to court to amend custody. He is not a safe parent, and neither is that girls mother. Hell, if the school is trying to just chuck her at you with nothing more than “since you’re here” and no legal tie I’d reconsider if it was an actual safe place for my child as well.
You pick her up and make sure she’s safe, and THEN you have a very strongly-worded talk with ex and mom and tell them they need to take you off the list and you will not be responsible for picking her up in the future. This is a one-time deal.
But, if this was a neighbor’s kid and they told you you were on the list, would you leave the neighbor’s kid, too? I think the emotions and feelings surrounding your ex clouded your judgment.
I know that this is unlikely, but you don’t know what your ex tells her about you, and I have a naturally suspicious mind…..
Just follow the custody order, use grey rock method and keep on moving. He can’t coordinate picking his kids up from school. So clearly his opinion is null. Lol what a lil weenie.
Seriously look up grey rocking. He texts about the kids being there until 7, I would completely ignore it. It’s like some stranger person expecting you to care about their life and be codependent with them. Like, no thanks?
I bet his wife called to say she would be late, not sure how traffic causes you to be hours late, and that he couldn’t get his daughter before 7.
They just thought they’d put you on the spot and you’d cave. Pick up their kid and then you would do it whenever they needed.
However, that aside. You really didnt have to pick her up, its •weird• they never told you that you were on the approved pick up list, and he needs a lesson on responsibility.
Although, if her parents weren’t available, who was going to keep her? You had to have her in your house, feed her dinner? This is all her parent’s fault because they added you without your consent to the approved list. So I guess this is an ESH situation
She is not uoid child , you have no responsibility over her and you don’t owe your cheating ex nothing , not even to make up for his poor organization and poor parenting it seems .
Yes, you are the asshole for putting your personal grievance above the well-being of your child.
Also, him not picking up your kid… thats bad. Make sure you document that in case you need to rework custody.
Eh no? This was not BECAUSE of you.
He should have gone himself.
NTA
You didn’t put exs daughter in that situation, they did