In the wake of sorrow, walls of silence and resentment stood tall between father and child, their relationship fractured by infidelity and unfinished goodbyes. Yet, as time carved its path, fragile threads of forgiveness and understanding began to weave anew, revealing a complex tapestry of love, acceptance, and the bittersweet hope for healing amidst lingering echoes of the past.
My mom died of brain aneurysm 2 years ago. She was 39 at the time. She and dad (Ben 42m) were no longer together before she died because dad had an affair with his work colleague (Amanda 37f).
They were getting a divorce but mom died before it was finalized.
I was 18 when mom died and to be honest I resented my dad because of the heartache he caused my mother and I blamed him for her death. After mom’s funeral I refused to talk to him until recently he contacted me and we started to reconnect.
He and Amanda are still together and I have started to accept their relationship because I saw how happy my father is with her.
Last month dad informed me that he and Amanda had gotten engaged and he wanted to let me know first before he shares the news to everyone. I told him I am happy for them. Last week they had an engagement party where they invited some of our relatives and friends.
During the toast dad said something like “I just can’t wait to marry the perfect woman. I thank God for giving me the love of my life after all those years that I wasted with someone else.” I walked out of the room after hearing what my father said.
He basically considered his marriage to my late mother a ‘waste of his time’. It broke my heart and I wanted to leave right away but dad’s friend (my godfather) and Amanda followed me.
Amanda said that dad wants me to give a message but I told her I can’t do that and I need to go as I feel sick. My godfather tried to convince me to stay and say a few words, I got tired of holding my anger in and I just said ” I have no good words to say about my cheating father and his mistress.
I need to go.” Amanda got angry with me and called me an asshole and I need to get over the past. I didn’t even say anything and just left them behind.
I was with my boyfriend who picked me up when dad called and he was very furious with me. Apparently what I said made Amanda cry and he’s now demanding an apology. I told him I could have made a scene but I didn’t and there is no way I am apologizing for stating facts.
AITA? Did I overreact and ruined their party? My boyfriend said he understands how I feel but my grandparents (dad’s side) are disappointed with me for overreacting and calling Amanda a mistress.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is caught between their lingering grief and resentment toward their father for his past infidelity and their mother’s death, and the desire to support their father’s current happiness. The central conflict arose when the father publicly denigrated his deceased marriage as a ‘waste,’ directly attacking the OP’s memory of their mother and triggering the OP’s unresolved pain, leading to an explosive reaction at the engagement party.
Was the OP justified in leaving the party and publicly confronting their father and his fiancée by stating facts about the past infidelity, or did this action cross a line by creating a major scene at a celebratory event? The core debate is whether the right to acknowledge painful history outweighs the expectation to maintain public harmony during a joyous occasion.
Here’s how people reacted:
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cynically, i would throw gasoline on the entire situation by explaining that your dad cheated on his wife, with woman who knew she was wrecking marriage, and continued through her decline. I would point out hte dad cannot be trusted not to lie and cheat with another person once they got bored with their current toy and the mistress could not be trussted to not lie and cheat with another married mad once she gets bored of her current conquest.
then point out that every married couple they know that is aware of the entire story talks about them and how they don’t trust them not to try to cause problems in their marraiges.
Let’s be clear here. He married your mother and had you. While married, your dad had an affair with Amanda.
Then, during the engagement party he replied with:
>”I just can’t wait to marry the perfect woman. I thank God for giving me the love of my life after all those years that I wasted with someone else.”
For him to say that shows a concerning lack of emotional intelligence and maturity, as well as him having an issue when his fiancee and your godfather needled you after you tried to leave.
You’re so NTA here and I wonder if it’s worth going NC with Dad until he understands just how badly he screwed up. Or that he has (per a scene in Harry Potter: Order of the Phoenix) more than the emotional range of a teaspoon.
Edit: Heh. Post Skyrocketed. Thank you, people.
What your father said was unforgiveable. Even more so that he said it in front of you. You showed great maturity by leaving quietly.
How could your father, his mistress or godfather expect you to say any civil words publicly after his shameful speech? You would have been quite within your rights to repeat what you said to Amanda into the microphone.
Do not apologise and go NC on your father’s side. He is happy that your mother died so he didn’t have to split her assets. Stuff him.
Big asshole move by your dad to say that, though, especially with you right there.
NTA.
EDIT: wow thanks for upvotes and awards! <3
you should have just left and not said anything
your father should have not said what he did
amanda did say get over the past but she was upset
end of the day you are grieving
your dad is not there for you
im sorry for your loss
I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you have more insightful family members who can support you.
Somebody owes somebody an apology and it’s not OP.
NTA