Amid this uneasy truce, a daughter carries the invisible weight of her mother’s relentless, cutting critiques—passive-aggressive barbs that belie a twisted version of love and care. Her attempts to confront the pain fall on deaf ears, overshadowed by a father’s misguided defense, leaving her isolated and wounded in a family where favoritism and unspoken judgments carve deep divides.
My (32f) Mother (60f) hosts Thanksgiving dinner at her house every year. It’s a small event, with my parents, me, my brothers family and my SILs family attending. We avoid family quarrels by implementing a strict “no politics” rule and trying our best to be civil.
I should probably mention that we are not a particularly close-knit family. We rarely see each other beyond these events since my Brother lives in South Africa and I travel a lot due to my work.
Thanksgiving is important to my mom since it’s one of the rare times we’re all together.
Anyway, the main problem I have with my mother is her constant critique of me. She has a habit of making passive-aggressive comments about my life choices, from my career to my lack of children to the way I dress.
I’ve addressed this with her multiple times, but she doesn’t really seem aware of it. My father claims it is just her way of fussing and expressing that she cares. It does hurt though, because my brother is never criticised in the same manner.
I cannot entirely fault her for her criticism, since I did majorly mess up my life a few months ago (depression) and it has affected her opinion of me negatively. It does not excuse the way I acted, but I just wanted to explain why I left.
By the time we finished dinner, I was a bit prickly because of some of her commentary. I made a cake for dessert. I was explicitly put in charge of it and no one specified what exactly I should make, so I opted for Maple Cheesecake.
I did my best and I think it looked okay. Mum normally makes pumpkin pie, but I really hate pumpkins (they make me gag), so I thought perhaps we could try something new. As I was bringing out the cheesecake, my mom eyed it somewhat warily and announced that she’d decided to make the usual pie as well.
This caught me off guard. I asked why she didn’t tell me beforehand, and she said something like, “Well, we figured you’d do your own thing, so I thought it was best to have a backup.” She went on to cut the pie and serve it to everyone, instructing me to leave the cheesecake in the kitchen.
When someone asked to try my dessert, she said “lets not mix too many flavors at once,” which just felt passive-aggressive. I know it’s immature for an adult to get this upset over a triviality, but I just (politely) refused as she was handing me a slice of pie, retrieved my coat and left.
People were calling after me I think, but by that point I was crying for some reason and it would have been too humiliating to have an emotional outburst in front of everyone for no real reason.
My mom just texted me saying that it was incredibly rude and immature of me to leave like that, especially on Thanksgiving. My brother also sent me a message saying Im acting irrationally.
I feel horrible for leaving so abruptly, especially because my parents are getting older and we are already not close. Something about my mother seems to turn me into a neurotic teenager and I hate it.
Conclusion
The Original Poster (OP) felt deeply hurt by their mother’s persistent criticism and subsequent public dismissal of the dessert they prepared for Thanksgiving dinner. The OP’s decision to leave abruptly stemmed from a culmination of these slights, leading to feelings of humiliation and regret over abandoning the rare family gathering.
Is the OP’s reaction to leave the event immediately justified as a necessary boundary against continuous passive-aggressive behavior, or was this action an immature and disproportionate response that further damaged already fragile family relationships, especially considering the importance of the day to the mother?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your mother’s behavior was cruel. I’ve experienced so much of the same. And then I would be the problem because I would do exactly what you did: Cry—which is a natural response when you’re being treated like shit—and leave—which is a natural response when you’re being treated like shit.
I think the fact that you left is excellent, because it shows that you still have a sense of self-preservation. Don’t lose that.
I’m in my 50s now and I’m NC with my mother and stepfather, which is a mutual thing. I send them birthday and Christmas cards, and they ignore the cards, my birthday, etc.
(I think they’d be happier if I stopped sending the cards, which is why I keep sending them. Because, unlike you, I *am* the AH. 🙂
If you go into therapy (which I highly recommend), know that it’s not like you go for one stint and are done. I’ve had three or four stints. It’s like tuning a piano: Those strings want to go back to where they were.
If you go to therapy, also know that finding a therapist is like finding a spouse: It might not be the first person you meet. Don’t give up.
I’m not saying go NC with your family—that’s a huge decision that has life-lasting implications (in my case, 90% of these implications were positive). But it was not OK that your mother treated you like that. You also have nothing to be ashamed of with blowing up your life due to depression. Depression isn’t a character flaw, and if you’re like just about everyone else who has ever had depression, you were doing your best.
Edit: Changed a word
Leaving when you are upset is not rude or immature. It’s a show of strength!
She was just embarrassed because of her own action. She expected you to sit there and continue to take her passive aggressive abuse!
And you didn’t…good for you!!
Even though it was unintentional you set a boundary for yourself. Leaving in the face of abuse is a boundary for your wellbeing! GOOD JOB!!👏
And news flash you never have to take abuse or unwarranted criticism from any other adult.
Continue to choose your own peace and happiness!
Don’t feel bad there’s only so much abuse a person can take without exploding. Have you ever realized the depression stems from how you’ve been treated by your mom your whole life? Talk to your therapist about this at your next session and don’t worry because you’re NTA.
Also it’s not your fault that you’ve been depressed!
Peer pressure from your siblings doesn’t help.
Start a Thanksgiving with friends or volunteer at a soup kitchen? You will feel happier and more involved. Go LC or NC with family. You don’t need the aggravation. Take care.
You’re an adult person, this is not a big deal, you do you. I’m curious, what are you trying to accomplish with this post here? That you’re right and your mom was in the wrong? Does getting validation from strangers so important to your decision making?
NTA. Your mom definitely is.