Bound by rules that stifled connection and shadowed every interaction, the room became a battleground of unspoken fears and guarded hearts. In this cramped world, the struggle for comfort and understanding clashed with trauma and silence, turning simple acts into charged moments of survival.
So I’ve been living with my current roommate for 2 years now. I’m actually subletting and I’m on my 2nd year which is month-to-month, but we’ve had an unofficial “verbal” agreement that I’d stay until the end of the year.
I mean it’s a pandemic, I didn’t think I’d move either.
Anyways his gf moved in beginning of this year. It’s been…a lot. She’s obviously had some trauma in the past. I didn’t dig but I believe she was the victim of a home robbery a few years back.
Well when she first moved in my roommate had some “ground rules” for me so his gf would be more comfortable. She obviously wasn’t thrilled about having another roommate. He said I couldn’t talk to her (like strike up a convo) if he wasn’t there because she doesn’t want to have to talk to me if she didn’t have to.
He also said it would be best if we tried to not use the same facilities at the same time (like if she’s cooking in the kitchen, I should wait until she leaves before I grab food, etc.) Like yes it’s strange but I figured it’s his place so whatever.
I’m not trying to befriend her either.
Things got worse in recent months cause we’ve all been working from home. It’s REALLY hard to avoid someone 24/7. So obviously I’ve slipped up more. One time I came home from Costco and offered her a spare bottle of coconut water I couldn’t fit in the fridge.
Big mistake. My roommate had to have a “talk” with me that night about how I should know she would never drink my drinks and it’s weird for me to even offer.
The most recent one was when she was watching some GoT in our living room. I just absentmindedly watched a bit standing behind the couch. I laughed at a scene which startled her when she looked up and saw me standing behind her.
I got another earful from my roommate about how I needed to stop “creeping” on her now that I’m home all the time.
Long story short, my friend just had a place open up that’s cheap and I’m gonna move. I told my roommate and he’s pissed, because of our unofficial agreement and how he’s probably gonna pay full rent for a while.
I feel bad because yeah, I did say I wasn’t gonna move. But I’m also pretty sick of both him and his gf. However, I feel kind of guilty because I agreed to their weird rules before all this started back when I thought it’d be ok.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant conflict stemming from agreeing to extremely restrictive living conditions imposed by a roommate to accommodate the roommate’s girlfriend, who has past trauma. Despite feeling guilty for breaking an informal agreement to stay longer, the OP ultimately prioritized their own well-being and sought to leave an emotionally taxing environment.
Given the extreme restrictions placed on the OP’s daily interactions and use of common spaces, was the OP morally obligated to adhere to the restrictive verbal agreement, or did the imposition of emotionally damaging rules void any prior commitment? Should the OP feel guilty for prioritizing mental health over an informal promise made under duress?
Here’s how people reacted:
Look, whatever his girlfriend’s issues are, they aren’t your problem and you are in no way a creep. He had no right to expect you, while stuck at home all the time, not to use the common areas as and when you wished to while still paying full rent and to feel like you are walking on eggshells in your own home. He thinks you’re the one breaking your agreement with him? Fuck him, what about your agreement that you are entitled to be comfortable in your home. To eat or watch TV and do other reasonable things and not to be constantly berated for existing or feel like you have to hide in your room?! You “agreed” because he didn’t give you a choice, and you don’t owe him anything. If his girlfriend has such major mental issues that she freaks out and can’t handle when another person talks to her or exists in the same space then she shouldn’t be fucking living in a household with other roommates. Living with roommates requires a minimum level of interpersonal interaction with them. He has no right to be subjecting other people to mistreatment to make her comfortable. TLDR don’t feel guilty for a second and tell him to pound sand.
Move out.
>However, I feel kind of guilty because I agreed to their weird rules before all this started back when I thought it’d be ok.
Exactly. When you thought it would be OK. This is a bit much. Obviously we don’t know what trauma she’s gone through, but that doesn’t mean you have to put up with being treated like that at your own place. That’s your home too. If you’re not comfortable with how you’re being treated – which, frankly, *noone* would be, then you need to leave.
1. She shouldn’t have moved in with him knowing he has a roommate if she didn’t want a roommate and expected to be treated like a princess especially since you didn’t mention anything about her paying rent.
2. The “ground rules” are creepy. You shouldn’t have been ok with that because you pay rent, it’s ur place too.
3. Moving out was the right decision because she could have accused you of something a lot more serious than being creepy just to get you to leave.
I understand she went through traumatic experiences but if she’s going to act like this she needs to see a therapist before she moves in with anyone.
Besides that, these were ridiculous rules. If she can’t get over her past trauma it’s not your responsibility to cope with her to the point you can’t offer coconut water. Must be hard for her but she is TA.
Move out and don’t look back.
If you are such a creep, they should be overjoyed to see you leaving anyway.