Her heart aches with the sting of subtle control masked as concern, as every mention of Evan is met with criticism and doubt, eroding the joy she finds in this new connection. The sting of last-minute cancellations and broken promises leaves her scrambling, not just for sitters, but for the respect and understanding she thought they had built together.
I (35f) am in an open relationship with my husband (36m). It was over the summer he mentioned it to me. I wouldn’t say I was totally for it but it took some getting used to. Now everything is going great but recently my husband keeps changing the rules.
Once I started dating Evan (45m) that’s when he started acting differently. My husband and I agreed on a dont ask don’t tell policy but,keeps pestering me about the details of our relationship.
I give him a little here and there but never the explicit stuff. Everything positive I mention about Evan he downplays or critiques.
Last week, I planned a date with Evan and asked him to watch the kids. He agreed. He was to get back home by 9 but texted me to say he’s doing overtime that night. I was left scrambling for a sitter at the last minute.
This isn’t the first time he has done this. Luckily this time I got a hold of a sitter but I could not stay as long as I was hoping for. Afterward, he acted as if everything was okay.
He began policing me when I left the house and began picking my outfits apart. Expressing concern about how the neighbors would perceive me. To avoid conflict, I started wearing jackets to cover up before heading out.
Then came the issue of Evan dropping me off. He worried about the neighbors seeing a strange car pull up at night. This forced me to do lunch dates. It wasn’t a bother. I would bring my laptop to Evan’s and work at his place.However,I preferred the dinner dates because I got a chance to dress up more.
Changing up the times seemed to alleviate some tension but I still feel like I was compromising too much. He didn’t even want me to drive to the dates but when Evan pays for an Uber or drops me off it’s an issue.
It makes no sense.
The breaking point was when Evan sent flowers to the house. My husband lost it claiming it’s dangerous for a strange man to know our address when we have kids inside. I will say he was right about this.
I did drop the ball however, he insisted that I shouldn’t bring home any gifts at all going forward, arguing it violated our don’t ask don’t tell rule.
He used to joke about me not getting chivalry in my open relationship and now that I’m getting dates it’s a big deal? I asked him if he doesn’t take the women he sleeps with on dates and he said no it’s strictly sex and none of that “lovey dovey bullsh**” that I’m doing.
I confronted my husband about these rules and he just brushed it off like it was nothing. Saying “it’s just a respect thing” I was really enjoying this but he’s sucking the fun out of it and it just feels highly stressful.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) initially agreed to an open relationship but is now facing numerous, shifting restrictions imposed by her husband. These restrictions relate to her partner’s behavior, her freedom regarding dates, and how her outside relationships are acknowledged within their home. The central conflict lies between the OP’s desire to experience the open relationship as agreed upon and her husband’s increasing, non-negotiable control, often masked as ‘respect’ or safety concerns.
Is the husband’s escalating control a legitimate expression of boundary setting within an open relationship model, or is this behavior a form of protective jealousy and manipulation designed to undermine the OP’s outside connections? Should the OP prioritize maintaining peace by adhering to these new rules, or should she insist on renegotiating the original terms to reflect true equity?
Here’s how people reacted:
Play stupid games win stupid prizes, that is what your husband did. He wanted sex with other partners but is too jealous for an open marriage. And him not complying with the established rules is a big red flag and a No Go even if someone pursuits a relationship such as you guys are. Trust no matter the type of relationship is most important.
However there is one thing I will agree with him on. Getting flowers is dangerous. That says to me that Evan has feelings for you and that too is a No Go in an open relationship.
These things are for sex but the emotional conncetion can never be attacked as has to be strictly reserved for the married couple.
If Evan knew about your husband’s jealousy it could even been done on purpose.
I‘d talk to evan and explain that it is im the end strictly physical what you guys have and that he shouldn’t overstep his boundaries.
And to your husband I‘ll say that he wanted that kind of relationship and has to accept the rules he himself agreed upon. And if he is unhappy and wants to go back then he shall say so stop and wait for you to be ready to go back instead of being passive agressive otherwise he can leave.
He was wrong to enter this without that discussion. So now you’re here. You obviously like the emotional aspect of. He doesn’t. Is this worth blowing up your marriage over ?
I’m sure he won’t be fine with the emo side of it. He was just expecting you to fuck like he is. You’ve hit a crossroads where everything needs to stop until you both discuss all of your boundaries again. Then once you’ve both agreed, perhaps you can re open. Hopefully you guys haven’t ruined your marriage but continue like this and it’s almost guaranteed. If you’re emotionally invested in this new guy, you definitely have a problem you need to solve.
What he’s doing is a 100% unfair and disrespectful.
Please sit down with him and have an in-depth conversation about the rules.
Open is different than poly, he just might want to fuck around without feelings which is “open” what you’re doing with dates and what not sounds like “poly.” Maybe have a conversation about what each of you want out of this, especially since it was his idea in the first place. You may find that you’re not compatible.
If this is going to work, you can’t just agree to “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” and call it a day. Rules have to be in place. If he only wants sexual relationships outside of the marriage, without emotional intimacy, that’s a fine rule IF you agree to it.
It’s also fine to change the rules after they’ve been established, but that should be based on a conversation where everyone is on the same page. He shouldn’t be able to change or establish the rules on his own and get mad that you haven’t been following them.
Open marriages do not work out in the end. 1 side always feels short changed and decides to divorce. There are 100’s of post on here about people in happy marriages trying the “open marriage” to spice things up only to end in divorce. We had one case blow up here in my area where the wife ended up ending her life due to the open marriage and finding her husband in bed with her younger sister.
he wants an open relationship where you guys can both have meaningless sex, not emotional dates, gifts, and constant thinking of one another (sending flowers to your house)
If he’s honest that he doesn’t go on dates or buy gifts for those girls, then your relationship with evan IS going a lot further than his (at least in his mind)
Perhaps this isn’t what you want though – lots of women need emotional attraction for physical attraction, and chances are, like most, an open relationship is not for you.
I don’t think the flowers were the breaking point because he now knows your address, he already would have known that if he was dropping you off, IMO the flowers represented romantic interest and not just sex, and your husband didn’t like that.
So depends on the rules of this open marriage on if yta, or nta.
Reddit is full of these stories.
Honestly it seems like your husband thought that he’d be out clapping stranger cheeks and have you to come home to and once he realized you had more game than him, he didn’t like the idea anymore.
If my wife ever even asked for an open relationship I’d give her divorce papers…
We are both allowed to date and hookup……
We both agreed to either an emotional connection, hookups and casual.He didn’t mind, Evan isn’t the first guy. My husband says he can only do sex, no emotional intimacy, that works for him but I can’t do casual and he knows. That was our agreement.
You need to have a sit down that’s not a reaction to a specific event but a discussion of the rules and level set. Also tell him that his last minute working late nonsense is not fooling you when it’s so blatant.
start securing a future for yourself.
For many couples, an open relationship is the first step on the road to divorce; I hope that’s not the case for you, but it definitely sounds possible.
just divorce, opening a relationship is just the first step before splitting up.
I am so glad i don’t have to deal with this kind of trash.
Just like every other one.
Just ONE couple….