Caught between the demands of tradition and the hope for a balanced future, the couple fights to redefine their roles and reclaim respect within their home. The wife’s resilience shines through as she confronts not only her mother-in-law’s harsh judgments but also the subtle echoes of those beliefs in her husband’s occasional complaints. Their story is a powerful testament to the ongoing battle against ingrained sexism and the enduring quest for understanding and partnership.
My husband and I both work, equal hours. I’m a hairstylist working at a salon and he is a warehouse manager.
My Mil is very sexist and lives in the 1950s still. She said women can’t stop taking care of their households as a priority nomatter what they achieve. I hated this and it caused endless problems between us.
My husband learned to do everything from folding his clothes to fixing the toilet except cooking. His mom taught him that his future wife should do everythig so he didn’t have to learn.
He defended me against her and cut contact with her.
She hasn’t participated in a gathering since 2015 due to family not wanting her around.
My husband cleans while I cook but he tends to complain from time to time and throws some weird believes/opinions at me that are similar to what his mom thinks. I get it since he’s been raised by her and this mentality takes time to go away.
Last week he had guests over and asked me to help him host dinner. We agreed that I cook and he clean like always.
Guests arrived and my husband sat with them while I was in the kitchen cooking.
I had issues with the oven I was running late and dinner wasn’t ready yet. My husband rushed into the kitchen asking why dinner wasn’t ready yet I said I’d be done soon.
He grabbed few glasses while pressuring me to hurry up. I made a comment about how I didn’t even get to meet his guests and how unfair it was, he casually said “just do your job” and rushed out.
I was shocked I stopped him and asked “what did you just said to me?” he looked at me quizically. I turned the oven off and stopped cooking. He was freaking out saying “no no, wait, what are you doing?” while I took my apron off.
I said I don’t work for him to tell me to “do my job” and he should take over cooking if he thought I was “slow”. He begged me not to do this to him and explained he didn’t mean to tell me to do my job but only spoke this way since he’s used to say stuff like that at work and wasn’t paying attention.
I refused to continue cooking and went upstairs to wash the smell of onion off me. I left him in the kitchen to handle serving dinner on his own and he came upstairs 2 hours later after the guests left and looked an absolute mess, hair messed up, and his shirt stained.
He asked if I was happy and proud of “proving a point” by backing out of cooking last minute just cause he slipped and accidently said “do your job”. I told him that he’s an adult and is responsible for what comes out his mouth accidental or not and again said I didn’t have to cook for his guests and that I only volunteered(!) to help and he sounded like his mother with what he said.
He said it wasn’t true and that he was disappointed because I didn’t stick to my word and left him to fend for himself and embarrassed him infront of guests by giving them half cooked meals over something so dumb.
He walked out after changing his clothes and called me mean.
He wants an apology for backing out last minute knowing he can’t cook. aita?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is grappling with deeply ingrained sexist expectations reflected in her husband’s behavior, particularly under stress, despite his initial efforts to support her against his mother’s views. The central conflict arose when the husband, under pressure while hosting, reverted to commanding language, causing the OP to withdraw her voluntary help and halt the dinner preparation.
Given the husband’s acknowledged difficulty in suppressing his mother’s learned attitudes and his subsequent distress over the ruined hosting event, should the OP offer an apology for enforcing her boundaries when verbally disrespected, or was the husband’s reversion to sexist language and demand for service a justification for ceasing her voluntary assistance?
Here’s how people reacted:
Your husband shouldn’t have treated you like that. It sounds like he was dismissive to you.
I also don’t know at this point why you haven’t had him cook some meals. It sounds like you’ve enabled his incompetence.
On the flip side.
That said, you agreed to help cook. Your husband was going to clean. This feels like a semi-equitable distribution of labor. It sounds like too he is aware of his behavior and has taken and is taking major steps to become less 1950s asshole, including cutting off his own mother, which could not have been easy.
“Do your job,” also doesn’t have to mean as a woman, it could just mean do your job of cooking as we agreed in this arrangement, which is you cooking for your guests.
(Also tbh I don’t see guests as his guests or my guests, if they are at our house they are our guests. To call them just his feels weird. Were you being excluded from the party, beyond just cooking. If so, that is weird and wrong too. Why couldn’t you take a moment to come out and say hi?)
You also set him up to fail over an accidental comment he apologized for, and did break your word. He is your husband, and you guys are supposed to be team.
If he’s not holding up his end of the team bargain the time to discuss that is when the stakes are lower and company is not around. It’s also deeply unfair to agree to something and not follow through just because your husband was a touch rude and harried.
TLDR:
Your husband needs to learn to cook.
You need to set more equitable boundaries.
You need to not leave your husband in the lurch for a mildly rude comment he apologized for.
I will say this – he will remember this lesson. If you had backed down at the last minute, he would have taken it as you would back down if he pushed you hard enough. Now he knows you mean business and you will not be pushed around and you will not be treated like a servant.
A marriage is a partnership, not a corporation where one person is a boss. The correct way for him to act is to show you gratitude for the efforts you put into that night’s gathering.
Honestly it really depends. If he said it meaning it’s your job as a wife to cook, then he is the AH, no question. BUT, from the sound of it there is a VERY good chance that all he meant by “job” was your agreed upon work responsibilities. If that is the case it would certainly make more sense with him apologizing for a slip up with his wording as opposed to a sexist remark.
A slip up of word use should be understandable. A sexist ideology is obviously not. I highly doubt he’s a sexist at heart and you are just now figuring that out. Poor choice of word seems far more likely.
He can’t have it both ways. Either he stops pretending that choice parts of his anatomy are going to fall off if he touches the stove and starts helping out, or he stays out of her damned way.
– why does your husband still not know how to cook? He could have made an effort to learn as an adult.
– that’s a rude thing to say even at work, so his excuse for acting like a dick at home is that he’s also a dick at work?
– I think it is pretty obvious that if you insult someone while they’re doing you a favor they might not want to do the favor anymore. Demanding an apology for this is just entitled. He should be the one apologizing, if he hasn’t already.
Edit: Also, if you don’t have an open kitchen just bbq, cater, or make something yummy, but simple.
I would love to know why people marry people before they have dealt with things like this. If you know he has residual issues with marriage dynamics and women, shouldn’t that be fully corrected first? You don’t have to get married! And certainly not too soon!
“Do your job” sounds like you are his indentured servant. Plus, his few comments which you told he blurts from time to time, make me believe this might not been a slip of tongue.
That’s his mentality right there. Have a talk with him and maybe get him involved in cooking. Cooking is an essential life skill and he needs to learn. Tell him this.
So he made one insensitive comment and that is enough for you to go nuclear. You didn’t mention how Important that dinner was for him.
YTA
You let his guest suffer to prove a point.
Just because he accidentally said… what he was pretty obviously thinking. Right. And then he has the nerve to be more worried about saving face in front of his buddies than mistreating his own wife, so he blames you.
He is the problem here.
NTA
It’s past time for him to learn to cook. Because it’s NOT “your job”.
He owes YOU an apology.
(Also, show him this post.)