With the one-year anniversary of the accident approaching, she saw an opportunity to celebrate her recovery by running a 10k race in a mountain town, surrounded by friends and hope. But as the day draws near, the fragile balance of her healing journey and the fractures in her relationship with Paul begin to surface, threatening the celebration she so desperately deserves.
I (32F) have been with Paul (34M) for 4 years. A year ago we were in a car accident- Paul was driving and 100% at fault. Paul had no injuries, but I broke my back. I was in a back brace for months and am still going to PT.
After I was out of the brace I started going to the gym and running, and at this point I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in. I’m really proud of the progress I’ve made.
A month ago I found out that there was a 10k race on the 1 year anniversary of the accident in a mountain town about 3 hours away. I thought this would be a fun and positive way to spend the day and celebrate my recovery.
I suggested this idea to Paul, my 2 best friends, and their partners- the plan was to drive there Friday afternoon, run the 10k Saturday morning, and spend the rest of the weekend exploring the town.
Everyone was on board.
Paul recently started a new job. It’s fully remote and he hasn’t met his coworkers yet. He is supposed to fly to SF to meet his team the Monday after our weekend trip- we knew this when we made our plans.
A few days before our trip, Paul told me his bosses now want him to be in SF on Sunday because they got box seats to a Giants game and they want him to come, so he would no longer be able to come on our trip.
I thought he was joking, because he makes fun of “corporate kiss-ass culture”, but he was serious. I told him to explain the situation and that they can’t expect him to be available with less than a week’s notice.
He said he had already told them yes and he didn’t want to backtrack. So I asked him to tell them he forgot he had a wedding to attend or something like that, and he said he didn’t want to turn down the offer because it would be a “really good networking opportunity”.
I suggested he join on Friday as planned and drive back late Saturday or early Sunday to catch his flight. He said no because he didn’t want to drive 6 hours round trip just for one day.
I suggested he fly out of the regional airport nearby, which he also shot down because it would be too expensive (he makes good money so this wouldn’t be a financial burden). I was almost in tears at this point, pleading him to come and telling him how important it was to me.
When I realized he wasn’t going to budge, I stopped trying to convince him, but I did let him know I was hurt and angered by his decision.
The morning I was supposed to leave, Paul was trying to be affectionate and sweet towards me, but I’m still pretty upset, so I was admittedly pretty bitchy to him and rejected all attempts at affection.
Now he’s upset with me for “ruining” our last day together and also for pressuring him to skip his work event. I think he’s an asshole for prioritizing a baseball game over a celebration of my recovery, especially considering he’s the one that caused my injury in the 1st place.
My friends are on my side but I’d like some unbiased perspective.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is deeply hurt and angry because her partner, Paul, canceled their planned weekend trip celebrating her recovery from a serious injury, choosing instead a last-minute work/social event. This decision clashes directly with the OP’s need for validation and support, especially as Paul was responsible for the accident that caused her injury. Paul, meanwhile, feels pressured by the OP’s distress and defends his decision as necessary for career advancement, which creates a significant conflict between emotional support and professional opportunity.
Was Paul justified in prioritizing a potential career networking opportunity, even though the event directly undermined a significant milestone in his partner’s physical recovery, for which he was liable? Conversely, was the OP’s reaction of rejection and anger a fair response to having her deeply meaningful celebration abruptly dismissed by the person who caused her initial trauma?
Here’s how people reacted:
And just because he agreed to attend doesn’t mean that he wanted to ‘celebrate’ the first anniversary of the day you were so seriously injured, which you clearly still blame him for. Just because you refer to it as a fun and positive way to celebrate your recovery does not mean he was looking at the day with the same mindset.
>So I asked him to tell them he forgot he had a wedding to attend or something like that, and he said he didn’t want to turn down the offer because it would be a “really good networking opportunity”.
In other words, you asked Paul to lie to his bosses in a way which could easily – either by posts on SM or a slip of the tongue comment – get back to them as a lie. You asked Paul to tell them that he’d forgotten something important, which doesn’t show responsibility. And you asked Paul to pull out of the first networking opportunity, and the first opportunity to get to know his colleagues/bosses in a non-work environment.
It isn’t clear from your post whether Paul had forgotten about the conflict when he was invited to the game, or whether he reluctantly accepted because he felt pressured into accepting (or indeed whether he was eager to jump at an excuse not to attend the celebratory run). I wonder did you even ask him?
And as for your comment about him shooting down the cost of flying from the regional airport… Even if you have full knowledge of Paul’s savings, the past year has probably made him well aware of one event could seriously impact his ability to work, and well as the impact of medical bills. But I’ve got to wonder, are you certain you are clear on the stability of Paul’s finances? Or are you making assumptions here because his current income?
>Now he’s upset with me for “ruining” our last day together and also for pressuring him to skip his work event. I think he’s an asshole for prioritizing a baseball game over a celebration of my recovery, especially considering he’s the one that caused my injury in the 1st place.
I can understand why you are both upset, but do you really believe he is prioritising the game, as opposed to prioritising his career?
And I do hope you didn’t say last bit to him, otherwise it could well have been your last day together.
I want to say N-A-H, here but frankly your lack of understanding is leading me to YTA.
Because if he’s choosing work as opposed to celebrating your recovery, I’m going with Paul is the AH. How much accountability is he taking with the role he played in the accident?? I’m just going to go out on a limb here and say that this weekend should actually be more significant to Paul than it is to OP. It’s the consequences of his actions that resulted in her injury… Treating her recovery and this race as something that’s significant to her and her alone is a big mistake – it’s a frigging HUGE deal.
If the shoe was on the other foot… I’d have that date hard wired into my brain and as soon as the double-booking became apparent, I would have apologized to work people and explained that I had a very important personal event that weekend and could only attend on Monday. It’s a damned baseball game.
OP, you are NTA. But also, I’m not too sure if this situation is salvageable… Some f*cker breaks my back and then ninja-bombs my big come-back celebration… I wouldn’t get over it.
Let me see if I got this right: A year ago, your partner, through his negligence, caused a car crash that broke your back. You presumably spent some time in the hospital, and then hours and hours in physical therapy just to be able to walk properly again. And you worked hard enough that not only are you able to walk, you’re in good enough shape to run a 10k!
You found an event to celebrate all you’ve overcome (and you should celebrate!) and then your partner tells you he has to go to this corporate event. You ask him to not go early. He says no. You offer him multiple alternatives to make it possible for him to do both. He still says no.
Ultimately, Paul chose “networking” and not being stressed about travel over supporting you overcoming adversity that he directly caused. You have every right to be upset. And you should not have to suppress that anger because Paul’s feelings are hurt.
Congratulations on your 10k and your amazing recovery. I’m in awe of all the hard work you’re put in over the past year. I hope you can take this weekend to celebrate with your friends and their partners.
It’s the US, and not Korea for example where network events are basically a must.
He made a commitment to go with you and bailed on it for a work opportunity that could show up later on. That’s a special date, if his employer can’t understand that, is it a workplace he wants to work in ?
Also she offered so many alternatives and he just couldn’t be bothered.
The sight trouble that would cause him to was valued higher than his partner feelings.
I get that it’s your inner monologue, but it’s good that you’re working on your resentment. You shouldn’t late it tarnish your relationship or you’ll never be able to move on.
But honestly on his side tho, if that were me just the guilt would have made me stick to that plan.
If I knew I had caused something like that, and my partner was healing from it, I’d celebrate it with them.
This is really something I don’t understand where people are like “well it wasn’t my intention so people should just move on”. People are so individualistic that makes me so angry.
A lot of people are saying iata because I was pressuring him to skip his work event. When I realized how important it was to him, I tried to compromise with him to be able to make both events happen. It was his refusal to compromise that was upsetting.
**edit: thank you everyone who gave thoughtful replies! It was helpful seeing it from different perspectives. There were of course some pretty laughably terrible replies- my personal favorites were the one calling me a gold digger lol and the one which told me I’m responsible for the car crash because I wasn’t policing the behavior of the grown man who was driving the car.
ETA – I read the driving as being 6 hours each way. It’s 6 hrs round trip. Sorry, but that’s even worse. he could EASILY drive back on the Saturday afternoon, have a chilled evening on Saturday relaxing and get his flight. That’s 3 hrs driving EACH DAY. Plenty of people do more than that on their daily commute. This is BS of the the highest level. OP ignore all the people here saying “oh but he’s going to be sooooo stressed poor dear driving 3 hours is soooooooo hard he can’t possibly be expected to cope with that”
Bottom line is he prioritised the _extra_ day, not the whole trip, with colleagues over a prearranged, emotionally significant experience with you and your friends. He sucks.
He also drove so poorly/ irresponsibly that you broke your back… never mind resenting him, I’m surprised you haven’t exploded. Get therapy, but not because he deserves a free pass from the guilt. Get it so you can move onwards and upwards from this schmoe.
NTA.
People are acting like the 6 hr round trip is insurmountable. But it wasn’t even same day, it would be up Friday, back Saturday, fly Sunday. Who wouldn’t do a 2 X 3hr drive for something so important for their partner?
I’ve driven my friends further in a day to go hiking. Which included hiking. And then going to work the next day.
Dang my friend’s bf had to move 7 hrs away and he did that trip return over a weekend, and one time up one day, back the next. For no special occasion but because he wanted to be with her. She even told him not to because she was worried about that last one.
I’m shocked by your partner’s lack of care here.
While I understand the importance of networking, especially at a new job, he should have at least had the courtesy to discuss it with you. He’s not the AH for going, but he is definitely the AH for this.
Have fun on your trip and congratulations on your recovery!
You’re using guilt to get what you want. You mentioned it twice, in one post, that it was 100% his fault that you broke ur back. I can’t even imagine how many times he has to hear it. And a whole weekend to celebrate you, in a town 3 hours away? The guilt is working I guess.
YtA. You can move your celebration, he can’t move his event.
Also, what he says about corporate culture doesn’t mean he shouldn’t do what is expected of him at his job. Especially a new job. I understand your trip is important to you, but staying gainfully employee sounds equally important to Paul. Giving him the cold shoulder, playing childish games and ruining the last moments you had together solved what exactly?!
Having said that, he was provided a couple of alternatives that were more than reasonable. And why is HE paying for a flight/travel for business?
NTA.
But, he has shown you where you rank in his priorities. I would imagine if you look back in your relationship you’ll find you’ve taken the backseat more than not.
He was at fault for an incident that could have killed or paralysed you. Thankfully, you’re making great progress.
It’s completely understandable why this event would mean so much to you.
Paul shouldn’t have agreed to go the day earlier without talking to you first. Instead, he immediately told them he’d be there. He didn’t prioritise you at all and is blaming you for the fallout.
Guilt tripping him for the rest of your life with him won’t be good emotionally.
Is the whole celebration of your progress a moment to rub his nose in the fact “he caused it”?
Good luck.