Her husband’s relentless questioning pierces the fragile peace they’ve built, turning their dreams of family into a battlefield of guilt and doubt. There is no right answer, no way to ease the ache of such a choice. She stands at the crossroads of loyalty and future, carrying the unbearable burden of a decision no parent should ever face.
I have been trying to write this out for a couple of days, because I truly feel like an awful human being and I have so much trouble putting this into words.
This involves me (27f), my husband (27m) and my son (7). My son has a different dad, and his dad his completely out of the picture.
Me and my husband has been talking about kids for a long time, and about half a year ago he started asking me a question I have refused to answer. The question is ”If we had a child, and you had to choose your son or our child to save, who would you save”, it’s a bit different from time to time, but it’s about if we had a child and I was put in a situation where I could only let one of them live; who would it be.
I have refused to answer this question because it is honestly off putting and weird, it’s just uncomfortable. There is no answer to it, none. So for six months, I have refused to answer and he can pester me about it for half an hour before he lets it go, then it can take everything from an hour to a week before he asks it again.
A week ago, he asked it again, but this time he had already asked it six times in a day. So this time, he had been pestering me about it the whole day, I couldn’t even speak before he told me to answer the question, if I asked him something he said he would answer my question if I answered his.
He said it’s just hypothetical and he would just like to know my answer, just for fun. After this had been going on I blurted out that I would rather save my son. He got stunned by my answer, before he got mad at me.
He said it was just a funny question and that he never expected me to put my own child infront of our child, that I was weird for answering it. He has barely talked with me since then, I know I did wrong but at the same time, I was so tired of this being brought up so damn much.
Was I the asshole here??
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing deep distress and guilt after reluctantly answering a recurring, highly stressful hypothetical question posed by her husband. Her central conflict stems from feeling pressured into choosing between her existing son and a potential future child, leading to an answer driven by exhaustion rather than considered preference, which subsequently angered her husband.
Given the husband’s relentless insistence on answering a question that deliberately forces the OP to devalue one child over another, is the pressure applied by the husband the root cause of the conflict, or does the OP’s honest, albeit painful, answer reveal an insurmountable incompatibility in their foundational views on parental love?
Here’s how people reacted:
“He said it was just a funny question”
Is he laughing?
“he never expected me to put my own child infront of our child,”
What child? It’s a hypothetical question.
“that I was weird for answering it.”
He asked you six times that day alone. Seriously, why did he keep asking so much if he didn’t want you to eventually answer?
I honestly think he was expecting you to put what ever “new” family you made with him ahead of your “old” family. Which is not only unreasonable, but it was cruel of him to even ask you once, let alone many times to the point where you broke down and answered.
Is this a guy you want to have a kid with? He’ll probably keep pestering the kid to answer which parent they like more.
So what if you said your son? He’s the only one that actually exists right now. Of course your mind will go to him if you’re pushed to choose between him and some non-existent child.
It just raises so many red flags, and I would not have any children with this man if I were you OP. Not only is
he getting angry over some hypothetical scenario he forced you into, but he’s showing his true feelings towards your son. If you have a child with him he will want you to always put that child above your son. Always.
And let this old Crone share a bit of hard learned information with you: he’s pestering you with that question to establish that your son, his step-son, is less important than any bio kids you might have with him. He’s trying to set the precedent that you will automatically sacrifice your son because he’s not his biological child with you. This is a huge red flag. If you accept this, he will constantly work to undermine the relationship that you have with your son, working toward the ultimate goal of erasing him completely.
This man is not a good partner.
Don’t have a child with this guy. I’d reconsider staying with someone like this, but if you do, be very watchful of how he treats your little boy, especially as he grows towards adolescence.
He didn’t keep pushing and pushing you to answer because “it was just a funny question and he didn’t expect you to answer.”
He wanted you to answer that you would put a hypothetical child you might have with him ahead of your existing child, which is A H behavior.
He has been thinking about this a lot, which is why he kept harping on it.
From his question, I would guess that he plans to put any child (or children) he has with you ahead of your child, and he will be upset if you don’t also.
There is a difference when you actually have another child, then choosing between them becomes impossible. But this question should never have been asked in the first place. He is the AH.
The real answer is, you would save whomever you could but it’s unlikely that you would ever be in that position. It makes sense for you to say “my son” over a hypothetical child who doesn’t exist. Once your future children are born you would love them as you love your son who is already living, but your husband will love “his” children differently from “your” children and thinks you should too. That’s why this matters to him so much. Remember that.
there is no way to answer that question to make him feel good and you not having to lie.
**I , as a mom, can say that I will 100% save my already alive child over a fictional pretend child.**
NTA. Husband is a massive a-hole. He’ll hold this against you. And will weaponize it against you. He’s also most definitely going to mistreat your oldest child (or “other” him) once you have children together. For your sake and for your son’s sake, leave this man.
On another note. Please don’t have children with this man. You already have a deadbeat baby daddy, don’t make it two.
NTA but only if you open your eyes and get your son away from this man who clearly doesn’t care for him, and clearly doesn’t know what ‘no’ or ‘respect’ mean.
But here’s the thing – his brain is obsessed with that question, I’d see that as a red flag. He would favour one child over the other – I wouldn’t have a child with this man.
This is a huge red flag as to how he views your child!
Who asks a parent such a question- an AH!!
There is no correct answer. The one I can- due to the circumstances involved?!
Your husband is a dumb shit mate