Yet, as her niece navigates the turbulent waters of young adulthood, a new challenge arises—entanglement with a rigid Christian group on campus threatens to pull her away from the family’s delicate balance. This story unfolds at the crossroads of faith, freedom, and the fierce protection of those we hold dear.
I (40sF) have two younger brothers. We were raised in a very conservative Christian home (think early evangelical movement). My brother “Sam” was pretty obviously gay, but he had a lot of shame and forced himself to marry a woman from church.
They had my niece (now 19F). Unfortunately, my brother made some bad choices, and he developed a drug habit which caused him to OD when my niece was four. Our parents are now deceased, and my other brother is career military and gone a lot.
I’ve done the best of my siblings, and I have a well paying job and plenty of savings. I have no children.
Because of these circumstances, we (my SIL, niece, brother, and I) are a very close knit family. I’ve always helped my SIL financially here and there, and I’m paying my niece’s tuition at a state university.
She’s a good student, and I’m happy to relieve the burden on her mom.
The problem: my niece is getting involved with a pretty conservative Christian group on campus. She was not raised religious, and I’m an atheist, but I respect that some people find religion meaningful and enriching.
However, I feel like she’s been adopting homophobic and sexist attitudes (e.g. “complementarity” of the sexes), and I think it’s coming from the group. She also opposes marriage equality now, on the grounds of religious freedom.
This could just be a teen rebellion thing, but she doesn’t know her dad was gay. I can imagine how much he’d hurt if he were alive.
I’ve tried to argue it out with her, but she always deflects. Now, I’m considering pulling her spring tuition in order to make my point. I don’t want her going to university if it’s making her a crueler, more ignorant person.
That’s not the purpose of education.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a significant conflict rooted in her financial support for her niece’s education clashing with her disapproval of the niece’s newly adopted conservative religious views, which OP perceives as discriminatory. OP feels responsible for ensuring her niece receives a beneficial education, leading her to consider withdrawing tuition payments as leverage against these changing beliefs.
Is threatening to remove essential financial support, specifically college tuition, a justifiable method for an aunt to influence her niece’s core moral and religious beliefs, or does this action violate the fundamental trust and support structure of their close family relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
Don’t cut her tuition for the spring semester. She has no time to find alternative funding and this is a commitment you made to her. Unless you explicitly have an agreement about what your standards are for payment and she didn’t meet them, you’re an ass. Pulling the finding might also push her further into this group, because they’ll be the ones she goes to and they’ll just blame your atheism. I really doubt that taking away her funding will change her mind.
Think of this the other way: you’re very christian and she became an atheist and stopped going to church. She started supporting gay marriage. Turning her away would likely spur her on towards her new group and further away from you. Taking away financing last minute would still make you an ass (unless you had an explicit agreement that she go to church, for example).
Talk to her, and if you want to not pay for her next year of schooling, you could do that. But make sure she has warning and can plan. This has so much potential to completely remove your relationship.
As a side issue, how do you know your brother was gay? Obviously he had serious problems in his life, but I’m curious how you know he was gay, as opposed to other things that wouldn’t have been compatible with conservative Christianity.
However, OP, I would suggest first explaining to your niece what happened with her father. It may help break through to her. If she continues being homophobic and sexist regardless, explain that you don’t feel comfortable funding bigotry and give her the time to find alternative funding (scholarships, etc.) Dropping funding won’t change her mind and she’ll probably still be mad at you, but it would be an asshole move to continue to support bigotry. Giving her a transition period is probably the best thing you can do to at least salvage the relationship with the SIL, if not your niece.
She’s presumably already signed up for classes, and has possibly already started school. Refusing to pay for future semesters is one thing, but cutting off her tuition *for the current semester* to “make a point” is cruel. You’d be forcing her to either take out loans, which can be a bitch to pay off, or drop out of school, neither of which she had planned for. You’re going to drive those homophobic beliefs deep into her skull. And really, all you’ve done to try and help her see the problem is argue with her? It would be so much more helpful to talk to her out of a place of love, and maybe tell her how her father suppressing his sexuality ruined his life. Cutting off her tuition for this semester won’t help with anything.
Then say your aunt, who from your perspective is a follower – if not a member – of this “liberal elite” cuts you off, forcing you to drop out of education, possibly stunting your opportunities for the rest of your life.
Do you:
a) Realise the error of your ways and change your views.
OR
b) Believe your life has been ruined because you didn’t have the right views, entrench yourself further in the groups you’ve become interested in, and spend literally your whole life being resentful and reactionary?
YTA.
Flip this around. Your niece decides to be atheist after going to university. You would undoubtably be TA for basically gate keeping all beliefs in your family.
You’ve also unfairly described your niece’s views in a way that many here will automatically view her as TA.
If you want to reinforce the “intolerance of the left” concept that your daughter probably believes, this is a great way to do so.
I can’t imagine my parents doing anything like this. My parents are religious(unlike me) and if they did something like this I’d cut them off forever.
Something Christian parents still haven’t learned is your cannot control and force your beliefs on your kids, stop trying to do it yourself.
Just to be clear, I think you’re a terrific person who has done more than could be expected of a sister. I just worry for your niece and your relationship if you go this route.
Cutting off her education won’t teach her any lessons about tolerance, compassion, or acceptance nor will it make her sympathetic to you and your beliefs. She will likely cut contact with you completely over this. Be a source of wisdom and knowledge to her if this girl matters to you. Be there to gently counter whatever beliefs you disagree with.
You’re effectively making membership in your family contingent on religious and political views. Imagine if the tables were turned and your very conservative family threatened to disown you because of your politics: You wouldn’t want that done to you, no?
I get they’re shitty beliefs, but not as bad as believing every one has to have the same beliefs ad you.