Caught between respect for her mother’s suffering and her own deeply held choice to remain childfree, she confronts an impossible demand that threatens to unravel the fragile peace she has built. In this raw moment, the weight of family expectations clashes with personal truth, illuminating the complex, often heartbreaking dance of love and autonomy.
My mother (67 F) is a cancer survivor and was recently diagnosed with another, more aggressive form of tumor. Considering her history with treatment, the prognosis isn’t good. She and I aren’t close.
She has untreated mental health issues (I suspect BPD) that made my life hell growing up, and even in my adult years she’s often tried to control my life to make it more like hers.
One thing we’ve always disagreed on is the topic of babies. My mother loves babies (but not children, who have opinions) and has desperately wanted to be a grandmother from the moment she found out she was having a daughter.
Unfortunately for her, I’m childfree. I like kids. I even work with babies, and I’m good with them. But I’ve never wanted one, and I’m an only child.
I called her after the diagnosis came in to check on her, and – in tears – she declared that now is the time that I have to give her a grandbaby.
The doctor is giving her about a year to live, perfect timing if I get pregnant now apparently. She says this is the only thing that would make her feel better about dying. As usual, I said no.
I don’t want a kid. My spouse doesn’t want a kid. That’s it.
Now, several of my mother’s friends, who in the past had supported my decision, are calling me up to say I’m TA for refusing her dying wish.
They’re pointing out that my spouse and I could afford a child (true) and that we already have more space in our home than we need (sort of true), and therefore the only thing that’s stopping me from popping out an infant in 9 months is, in their opinion, that I’m a horrible selfish child.
To be clear, I’m not going to change my mind. A lot of factors have gone into my decision not to have babies, and a few old people calling me a self-absorbed bitch won’t change that, but I’ll admit that perhaps I am, in fact, a self-absorbed bitch.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing immense emotional pressure from their dying mother and her social circle, who are demanding the OP have a child to fulfill the mother’s final wish. The central conflict lies in the OP’s firm, long-held decision to remain childfree directly conflicting with the mother’s terminal diagnosis and desperate desire for a grandchild.
Given the OP’s established boundaries and personal decision, is the expectation from the mother and her friends that the OP sacrifice their life choice for the mother’s dying comfort reasonable, or does the fundamental right to bodily autonomy and life planning supersede the emotional needs of a terminally ill relative?
Here’s how people reacted:
But a suggestion? Lie. Lie HARD.
As long as your spouse is on board with it of course! But you have simple white lie method available. Trying for a baby does not always make babies, even for people that want them. And I am not suggesting you try! Just tell your mum that you’re trying. What harm can it do? The amount of stress you’re under right now is the ideal excuse when you dont conceive.
It can be difficult to cope with this situation; specially when the relationship has always been a rocky one. My story is similar to yours, except I have siblings. And I’m 5 years further down the path. I’m agnostic, my mum was a practicing Christian. During those last few months I bought her a beautiful cross for her bedside; I sat and prayed with her several times. There is no magic closure, but as the years go by, you’ll be glad you were able to give her something to hold onto on the way. All the best for you and your family in this difficult time x
Most people can’t imagine how deeply unwell borderlines are, and they expect that at SOME point they can ‘snap out of it’ temporarily – they can not.
My girlfriend is mildly BPD, she’s clawed her way to relative stability and become a nurse. I am so incredibly proud of her for it. Her mother is a complete lunatic who refuses to take her blood pressure medication and calls to blame her health conditions on her daughter constantly. The manipulation and guilt trips NEVER end.
She says things like “you’re a nurse! why can’t you help your own mother!”.
I totally understand her being sad she was never a grandmother, that’s a valid feeling, bit not to actually expect you to bring a person into the world to make her feel better.
In my view not having kids is almost never a “selfish” decision – you’re actually minimising your impact on other people (not least the kid). _Having_ them is far more likely to be selfish than not having them.
You do not want a child. One certainly does not have a child because someone wants you to. I just cannot fathom this request and the pressure others are giving you about it,
I am so sorry you have this on your head. I would tell them all to eff off. And I will tell you that you are not an asshole or a self-absorbed bitch (at least about this).
*”1 year to live” could mean 3 years or it could mean 1 month from now.*
This baby doesn’t deserve to only be alive because a grandmother it never knew guilted you into having it.
Maybe that argument will get through their insane troll logic.
NTA
Look, normally I wouldn’t advocate this, but if you want to lie and tell her awful friends and her you and your husband are trying, or that you got checked and are infertile, no one would blame you. I know what It is like to have a complex relationship with a dying parent. Sometimes? Sometimes, you just gotta say what you can to get by.
You Absolutely CANNOT bring a HUMAN into the world to placate a dying woman. Sorry, but that’s just absurd.
Edit: anyone pressuring you into having a kid should raise the kid!! Oh, they don’t want to do that?? Big surprise.