Years of strained silence and fractured attempts at connection culminated in a moment of raw heartbreak, when his daughter rejected him with words that stabbed deeper than any betrayal. The man who had poured his heart into being a father was left grappling with a loss that was both invisible and devastating — a love unreturned, and a family undone.
My daughter (26f) and I haven’t spoken in years. When she was 15 we found out she wasn’t my biological daughter and my wife had cheated on me years ago with a friend. As it turns out this so called “friend” was suddenly interested in playing dad.
My wife and I divorced, my daughter learned the truth and I told her I still loved her no matter what. Of course she was interested now in getting to know her biological father and while it hurt I tried to accept that.
She started pulling away from me after that. Even when trying to still do things together as a family she was no longer interested. The last straw was when she was 20 and living at my house.
We were arguing because she’d dropped from her college courses, hasn’t done anything for 3 months and mad because I told her she either needs to go to school or work if she wants to stay here for free.
She told me I’m not her real dad so stop pretending like I am and she’ll just go stay with her real father. That broke me honestly. But I told her if that’s how she really feels then there’s really nothing left to say between us.
And she did move out to go live with him. I was depressed for a very long time, drank so much. My son (24m) was my only reason to keep moving forward. For the couple years I reached out to my daughter.
She wanted no contact, I learned to accept that and move on. It helped me find more peace in my life. My son stopped talking to her for a while over this and was angry with her.
They still chat sometimes, which doesn’t bother me at all. Through him I learned her biological father died in October 2019. Also that she’s engaged. She reached out to me, first that she knows that “we haven’t talked in a while” but wants to ask me if I’d be willing to walk her down the isle.
After a pretty long message about how much she hurt me in the past with her actions, I told her no. She didn’t want me to be her father anymore so I learned to no longer view her as my daughter.
This turned into a fight between us because according to her it’s not her fault she wanted to know her real dad. I agreed with her it’s not, but what was her fault was how she treated me ever since.
In my mind I know if he hadn’t passed we wouldn’t even be speaking right now. It ended with telling her I hope she enjoys her wedding but I want no part of it or her life. My son’s told me she’s ranting to my family that I’m ruining her day and she thought parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally.
My brothers seem to think now that I am being an asshole and this is my chance to be in her life again. But I have no interest in that.
Still seems everyone has a strong opinion on it that I’m making it difficult for her to have the wedding she wants when it would mean a lot to her. My son is on my side but the comments are still wearing me down and just for the sake of my sanity, am I being an asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a situation where his daughter, who previously rejected him as her father after discovering his non-biological status, now seeks his presence for her wedding. The central conflict lies between the OP’s established boundary, based on years of emotional rejection and pain caused by his daughter’s choices, and the daughter’s expectation of unconditional parental support, especially concerning a significant life event.
Given the history of emotional abandonment and the daughter’s explicit rejection of the parental role when the biological father was available, is the OP justified in refusing to participate in her wedding, or does the societal expectation of unconditional parental love necessitate his presence despite his past hurt?
Here’s how people reacted:
However, I say you’re NTA in this scenario, and I don’t see a positive reason to accept her back into your life right now. Maybe down the line, if you want to, but in this current situation, and the reasoning behind it, no.
She wants you back in her life, after you took care of her, let her have a relationship with her bio father, let her live with you for free, with EASY AND GOOD conditions that most parents ask of their children, and she decided to throw the “You’re not my real Dad!” card at you, when it sounds like all this time, you were. At least, you acted like it, and continued to be one while she grew up, even after she found out.
Now, it can be a weird time, even for a teenager, to find out their parent that raised them this whole life, is not their bio parent, and it can TOTALLY flip and rock their damn world. I only speak of that as personal experience myself, when I found out at around 13, my Dad who raised me was not my bio Dad, and I was a half sibling to the majority of my siblings (Not gonna lie, kinda feels shitty if you’ve felt left out/different from your siblings your whole life, but my parents didn’t know–), and I wasn’t sure how to take and process it. You did the right thing by letting her explore this time to go through her feelings, and let her have that relationship. However, she is using you as a backup plan and fallback because her “REAL Dad” isn’t around. And that is insulting and hurtful after she disrespected you.
You are allowed to be hurt and feel your feelings. She doesn’t get to demand from you to be her Dad now and walk her down the aisle, when she already decided you were not her Dad. If you want her in your life, I would recommend trying to talk with her about how you felt, and why her words hurt, and what not, and explain that you feel like the backup plan. You want her day to be perfect, but you don’t get to be yanked around like this.
Also, before even this, did she invite you to her wedding prior, or is she just now essentially inviting you just to walk her down the aisle?
To quote the parlance of the kids these days, she fucked around and now she’s finding out.
Of course it’s not her fault she wanted to know her biological father. It’s absolutely her fault that she ended up burning the bridge with her dad. You raised her for over half her life not knowing she wasn’t yours, she should have been a lot more grateful for the part you played in her life than she was.
It’s an interesting idea, isn’t it? That familial love should be unconditional. But more and more often we’re seeing people (correctly) realising that cutting out toxic family members is okay, and that nobody is ever obligated to set themselves on fire to keep other people warm. The thing with that is, while it’s often used to cement to kids that they don’t need a relationship with their parents, the street goes two ways: it’s absolutely fine to realise that it also means parents don’t need to maintain a relationship with their toxic kids.
She doesn’t get to cut you out of her life as a father when it suits her and then decide you need to resume the role no questions asked without complaint when the guy she replaced you with isn’t around any more.
The exchange you had when she was 20 and you told her to get a job and she cut contact is actually something that happens to a lot of biological parents, so as unpleasant and unreasonable as her behaviour was, it’s not particularly unusual, and reconciliation is possible.
Does she have a responsibility now that she’s older and wiser to put all that angst and confusion behind her and handle the situation like an adult? Yes, and that’s what she’s trying to do.
Wow, OP.
I’m so sorry to read through your story and some people may disagree but I really don’t think you’re TA.
You attempted contact throughout the years, but it wasn’t you that became distant, it was your daughter. She wanted to get to know her bio dad (nothing wrong with that), but at the expense of becoming distant and eventually having no contact with you, her dad who had been there for her since she was born.
Now the bio dad isn’t there to walk her down the aisle. OP, if she wanted you at her wedding you would have gotten an invitation, and not become a stand-in for deceased bio dad. Why can’t her brother walk her down the aisle? Personally, I think she just wants her wedding to look good, irrespective of how you feel.
NTA at all.
Of course it’s your right to totally cut her out of your life but I think what you said to her is cruel. She’s basically lost a father three times in her very short life.
She could have had two dads. She decided she only wanted one. Now she has none and she can only blame herself. Imagine going back to an ex and saying, “Hey, I was engaged to the person I cheated on you with, but they just passed away, so will you be my fiancée? You loved me once, so you still should, right?” Like, that situation sounds absolutely ridiculous, but people apply dumbass logic like that to family all the time. If she didn’t love you unconditionally, why should you love her unconditionally? She decided you weren’t good enough, because you weren’t blood related, yet she expects you to still care for her? She’s truly selfish, and I am so sorry for everything she put you through.
She removed herself from your life on her own when she didn’t need you. She was perfectly content with never talking to you again. Now that she suddenly needs you she comes running back, not for your sake but for her own. As you say, if her bio father hadn’t passed away you wouldn’t be having the conversation at all. You learned about her being engaged from your son, not from her. She only wants you for her own convenience. Why can’t her mother walk her down the isle? Or her brother? If you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t have to.
It might be worth sitting down with your daughter and a family counselor and working through those issues. Or not. That’s up to you.
It’s a little hypocritical that she’d go from the “you’re not my real dad” and wanting no contact to claiming that “parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally.”
You are not “ruining” her wedding day. She is. To ask you to be a part of her life now sounds like it’s only for show because she needs someone to walk her down the aisle. The traditional “giving her away” doesn’t apply here and it’s hypocritical on her part. I think you’ve been hurt enough and don’t need or want to get burned again. I’m sorry all that happened but you need to keep going forward and not look back.
>She told me I’m not her real dad so stop pretending like I am
>she’s ranting to my family that I’m ruining her day and she thought parents are supposed to love their kids unconditionally.
She’s not your daughter but you should love her unconditionally because she is your daughter?
And you are almost certainly right. She was an adult when she decided that she didn’t want you in her life. It’s sad that it was a bad decision, but it was her decision.
NTA.
Unless she needs money.
Do what’s best for your sanity.
She was a grown woman when she said those things, not a small child.