In that cold early morning moment, the promise of love and partnership shattered, exposing the raw ache of loneliness that had been quietly growing in the shadows. His quiet packing was more than just a physical act—it was a heartbreaking declaration that she and her children were not enough, leaving her to face the painful truth of where she truly stood in his heart.
I’m 29f. My BF is 30m. I have 2 kids that are not his biologically and we have been together 4 years.
Last week his buddy invited him and I to go on a 4 day couples retreat with him, his wife and his other friend and his GF. Apparently there is couples massages, romantic dinners, etc.
We were due to leave today. My BF mentioned it to me so I started looking around for babysitters.
Unfortunately I was not able to find a sitter. Their dad hardly ever takes them and their grandmother is just as much of a deadbeat and only sees the kids to post photos on FB and act like grandmother of the year.
Normally when we make plans he will reach out to his mom or SIL because they are the only people in our area. He didnt do that, so I called them yesterday to see if they would but obviously they couldn’t.
I figured I since I could not go, he would not go on the couples retreat.
I wake up this morning at 5am to him packing. I asked him what he was doing and he said “Uhm, packing? I need to leave here by 7am to meet up with George.” So I asked him why he still intended to go on a couples retreat when his partner couldnt even go and I asked him if he had even wanted me to go since he didnt bother helping me look for a sitter originally anyways and he said “if you wanted to go, you would have found a sitter.
I dont have time for this.”
This really bothered me a great deal. He kissed my forehead and left. 15 minutes ago I get a text from him which included pictures of his suite that had flower petals, champagne, even a heart shape bed.
I texted back and said “Have a good time.” He took this as an attack and said “Dont be clipped with me. Its not my fault you didnt find a sitter.” So I responded with “I wasnt being clipped.
And it would have been nice if you could have helped find a sitter. I know they arent your kids but if you wanted me to go you should have put in effort.” He responded with “You’re being an asshole right now and quite frankly, your being overdramatic as well.”
AITA for getting upset with the fact that he went without me?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is clearly upset because her boyfriend chose to attend a planned couples retreat alone after she was unable to secure childcare for her two children. The central conflict lies in the differing expectations regarding shared responsibility; the OP believed his attendance was contingent on hers, while the boyfriend emphasized her sole responsibility for finding a sitter, dismissing her feelings about his lack of support.
Did the boyfriend violate an implicit agreement by attending a couples event without his partner, or was he within his rights to attend since the childcare failure was solely the OP’s responsibility? Should a partner be expected to sacrifice planned joint activities when childcare issues arise, even if the children are not biologically theirs?
Here’s how people reacted:
You say typically he is the one who gets his own mother or SIL to watch your children. You did not bother to ask them yourself until *the day before?*
You’ve become over dependent and you just expected him to do the legwork for you, framing it as “helping” you find the babysitter. No, you expected him to arrange the childcare for your children all by himself when he always does it for you and it’s always his mom or sister doing it.
Yes, he’s been in the kids’ lives for 4 years, but you two are not married and he is not their stepfather. He has no legal right to them should this relationship ever end. They are not his kids, they’re yours, and procuring childcare is your responsibility.
He is being petty sending you those pictures and could deal with his anger over your complacency and should have communicated clearly beforehand about your lack of mental labor on the childcare procurement front. But you made it clear you’re entitled to him, someone who’s not even a parent to these kids, making babysitting arrangements and his family babysitting your kids for you. And why should he have to tell you to look for a babysitter for your own children? He is not your manager.
When he comes back, if you don’t want to lose him, you two need to go to counseling, and you both need to admit to yourselves and each other about how you two are going to communicate better and share the load more equitably.
I think he definitely read the room wrong sending the pics. I don’t see any reason for him to do that on purpose so I think he was just dense there. It’s not unreasonable they hurt your feelings/rubbed it in.
Also, communicate, don’t just assume. When you realized you had no babysitter you should have asked if he planned to go without you.
Sucks the kids dad/grandma aren’t helpful, but you also only had a week to find a babysitter so I am not surprised no one in the family could help. Maybe find an actual babysitter you can pay to rely on. A reasonable compromise for the future might be that people need to give you a little more time to find a babysitter so these trips are possible for you.
p.s. Wish you could get a sitter and join him unannounced. That might answer a bunch of questions.
You can’t go on a trip and that sucks but it is what it is.
As of now, he is under no obligation to stop doing things he’d like. He is not married to you and those are not his children. To ask him to not do what he’d like, even if you are dating, isn’t fair.
Maybe this isn’t the right relationship for either of you.
He could have helped getting a sitter even if they aren’t his kid.
It makes no sense to go on a couples retreat without your partner.
And the way he talked to you isn’t really that great.
it sounds like he may not have wanted to ask them for another favor (and isn’t that communicating to you)
Edit: holy shit. Never thought my most upvoted thing would be pointing out a red flag!