Amidst the chaos of unspoken words and fractured trust, he grapples with the aching reality of loneliness in marriage. The delicate threads of hope hang by a thread, as they navigate counseling sessions and tentative steps forward, each struggling to find a way back to each other in the shadow of crisis.
For context, my wife went through some trauma and has not been using appropriate coping skills or seeking help. Instead, she is going through a complete midlife crisis of sorts, including leaving me rather unexpectedly.
We are in counseling, but as of now she cannot commit to anything other than a walk once a week. We barely speak.
I work THREE JOBS. The original plan was to stack and stack to go travel and possibly foster children eventually. She works one job. I pay all of her and my bills with the exception of her cell phone bill and 1/4 of the car payment.
I was feeling quite resentful, because she had been ignoring all of my messages for about a week. I saw that she was ordering food through a delivery service, so I changed my password.
I saw she was also attempting to buy groceries on a similar app, so I took her off all of them. She then asked me for $150 a week for expenses. I’ve paid it for about a month, and I’m sick of it.
We had talked about going to Greece as a couple. Now, she can’t even commit to more than one walk a week with me and maybe three messages a day. No plan to get back together any time soon.
She says she’s enjoying aspects of being single.
So I’m PISSED. I want to go to Greece by myself to reap the benefits of my hard labor. I stopped paying her. My counselor told me that stopping payment is akin to abuse. But I think that working 3 jobs and sacrificing my mental and physical health so my estranged wife can do god knows what on my dime is also abuse.
I’m standing my ground and not paying her weekly. AITAH? Since I pay all of her other bills this seems quite reasonable. I’m not going to stop paying her bills (except maybe her gym membership..
that’s not essential).
Conclusion
The original poster is experiencing intense anger and resentment due to the significant financial and physical sacrifices made while their estranged wife is seemingly avoiding necessary trauma recovery and expressing enjoyment in single life. The central conflict arises from the OP’s decision to immediately halt discretionary weekly financial support in response to this situation, a move their counselor labeled as potentially abusive.
Considering the OP’s extreme work ethic supporting both parties versus the wife’s current lack of commitment to recovery and the relationship, is the OP justified in immediately stopping the $150 weekly allowance, or does this action cross a line into punitive or abusive behavior, especially when they continue to cover all other essential household expenses?
Here’s how people reacted:
4o
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In the process, I hope you can envision a future for yourself that has fewer jobs.
This might be a happier path for both of you, in the long run. It seems that you have been piling too much on yourselves, and maybe did not have a sustainable situation.
So while you’re not TAH for not wanting to pay her, you may end up having to do so anyways. Why are you guys even in counseling if she doesn’t even want to get back together?!
Yeah no, she can totally enjoy single life. But that means not having a husband pay for everything. If she complains just tell her you’re supporting her journey into single life.
You’re not being abusive, you’re just supportive.
I say this as a lesbian housewife, she ain’t entitled to shit. Get the damn divorce and move on. There’s plenty of people out there who will want you and will spend time, money and effort on you.
Your mistake is staying with someone who is with you to get her bills paid.
If she is enjoying being single then she should get the full experience. Bills and all.
I feel like she’s stringing you along so she can be single and have her bills paid.
In the US, denying her money for food while you’re the primary breadwinner is akin to abuse.
Enjoy Greece it’s beautiful. NTA
Clearly since you know how she should cope with whatever it is better than her, you could never be the AH 🙄
But OP, it sounds like your marriage is over and it might be worth lawyering up and separating legally if she has zero intention of working it outz
NTA
So she likes the single life, cool.
Let her have it as soon as possible.
You need a new counselor and a divorce lawyer.
Then make her single.
NTA