When his sister confronts him with brutal honesty, telling him that change must come from within, the fragile dream he clings to begins to crack. It’s not just about editing a profile; it’s about facing the painful truth that self-improvement is the only path to the future he yearns for.
My brother Bill (30M) has been trying online dating for three years but with no success. We live in a more rural area, so there aren’t that many single women around his age to begin with.
The ones who are available, well Bill didn’t think they were good enough.
He asked me to edit his Hinge profile so he can attract a mate. I looked it over and… damn. His profile has paragraphs of what he’s looking for in a woman: skinny, cute, under 30, average to high income, and lives locally.
She must be into anime and gaming. The only pictures he’s got are grainy selfies or pictures with one or both parents. Mostly our mom.
Bill lives with our parents and has been working as a door greeter at Walmart since he was 18.
I told Bill that he doesn’t need to overhaul his page, he needs to overhaul his life. No woman meeting his wants would want to date an obese thirty-year-old living off of his parents and working a job Walmart normally gives to old people to stay busy.
Bill freaked out on me and told our mom. She’s upset because I tried to tear him down when he needed my help. She wants me to apologize, but what’s there to apologize? I just told Bill what was wrong and that he should consider changing his life if he really wants what he wants.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) expressed deep frustration with their brother Bill’s unsuccessful online dating life, directly linking his lack of success to his current life circumstances and unrealistic expectations for a partner. This honesty created a sharp conflict, resulting in Bill feeling attacked and their mother demanding an apology for what she perceived as tearing him down instead of offering support.
Was the OP justified in providing harsh, reality-based feedback about Bill’s life choices when asked for dating profile help, or did this cross the line into unnecessarily damaging his self-esteem when he was seeking assistance? The core debate centers on the balance between brutal honesty and necessary emotional support in family relationships.
Here’s how people reacted:
I’ll be honest, you don’t sound like you love your brother very much.
Honesty without tact is cruelty.
Your brother, in his own way, was trying to escape the rut he was stuck in and reached out to you for help. That shows that your brother valued your opinion, and he knew he could not do this by himself.
Were his expectations realistic? No, most definitely not. Are there many other things your brother should work on before he is considered dateable? Sure. Was there another way to tell your brother that without being intentionally cruel? Yes, there was.
That was a teachable moment and possibly a bonding one for you and your brother. So when he was down and trying to reach out to you for help, you kicked him and ground him into mud.
I’m not saying that you should love your brother unconditionally and should spend time trying to fix him. That is not your responsibility unless you make it so. Clearly, your parents tried and failed to do this, and no one else is willing to step up. Your brother is a grown adult. He is not owed this anymore by anyone.
What I’m saying is that there is a certain amount of respect you should have towards your brother simply because he is a human being with emotions. And you failed in this.
Because as it is, it sounds like his standards are too high.
It’s like he’s trying to look for caviar, on a imitation crab budget.
Or walking into every store and complaining they all smell funny without realizing he stepped in something.
He needs more hobbies, and he needs to learn a good work ethic is attractive.
You are 100% not the asshole. It was tough love. If he wants to find someone he needs to get his life in order. You weren’t making fun of him, you were being honest.
I’m not sure if I’m only noticing it now, but there seems to be an abnormal number of adults from 20 well into their 30’s that act like, and are still treated like teenagers.
I mean you were harsh as hell, none of it untrue though. He seems to be asking for a lot with not very much to give in return!
Personally I would probably have chosen not to respond /hello rather than to say all of that, even though it’s true.
Can’t judge you the AH though, he asked for your help and you gave him the truth.
He’s demanding a prospective partner be skinny, under 30 (which is yikes, how young does he want to go…), have lots of money and all these other unrealistic expectations. But what does he have to bring to the table? Nothing.
Is he skinny, under 30 and earning a medium to high income? No! So why should he expect his partner to have all of that.
I have a friend who is in a similar boat only he wants a woman who will move to a rural “village” because he grew up there. I told him we’re not in our 20s and most women have themselves established. He also is pretty acne filled at over 30.
NTA, maybe you were too harsh in your tone.. there’s always a softer way to express your opinions n, especially when it’s hard for someone to accept it.
“I AM A MEDIOCRE MAN AND THESE ARE ALL MY DEMANDS!!”
More people need someone to say this to them. NTA