Despite heartfelt conversations and unspoken hopes for change, the relentless disregard and silent enabling carved a deep wound of betrayal. What began as a shared home slowly turned into a battleground of boundaries and broken promises, where respect was swallowed by selfishness and neglect.
I (19f) have a roommate Kayla also (19f), we have been roommates for almost 1 year. we have always had this shared refrigerator situation going on where we alternate every week or two on who buys the groceries, cleaning supplies, etc.
But we don’t cook for each other. (very important to the story)
Well, 6months ago Kayla got a boyfriend, Caleb (21m) who has been spending a lot of time in our apartment. He would leave his mess every and when I say everywhere I really mean it. He would leave his clothes on the bathroom floor and living room floor, but the biggest issue was he would eat everything, even the things that were strictly mine i.e leftover takeout, dinners that I cooked for myself.
I’ve talked with my roommate about this multiple times and she said she would talk to him but it doesn’t really seem like she even tries to talk to him. which seems like she is enabling him to continue this behavior.
Here’s where the incident happened. Two nights ago I made myself some dinner, I was following this recipe and I was making fried chicken that had some sort of sauce that contained honey in it.
( also very important to the story). Neither I nor my roommate has any sort of allergy so I didn’t say anything to her when I made it or when I put my leftovers in Tupperware and in the fridge.
well, yesterday I got back home from work, and my roommate wasn’t home. I didn’t question it and moved on with my day. A few hours later I heard the front door open, and a few moments later my roommate enters my room and just starts yelling at me say I could’ve killed her boyfriend and how I am irresponsible, and how dare I put my food in the fridge unlabeled when her boyfriend is allergic to honey.
But here’s the thing I didn’t know he was allergic to honey.
Here’s where I think I might be the asshole. I tried explaining to her that I simply didn’t know of her boyfriend’s allergy and he should’ve never been touching my food knowing he has an allergy and could potentially be put himself in harm’s way, which he did in this situation.
I also mentioned that I told her to tell him not to touch my food and she blew up on me even more saying that I am dismissing her feelings and I mentioned that she’s been dismissing mine ever since he got here.
we ended the argument with me yelling at her that I’m not responsible for his allergies and she should’ve never brought him around the apartment.
I told my friend about what happened and she told that even though he was in the wrong for basically stealing my food, I should’ve never said that to my roommate because she was in a stressful situation where a loved one could’ve died now I feel bad and think I might’ve been in the wrong.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in a difficult position, feeling conflicted after confronting their roommate about an incident involving the roommate’s boyfriend who consumed the OP’s food despite having a severe honey allergy. The central conflict lies between the OP’s justified frustration over ignored boundaries regarding personal food and the roommate’s intense emotional reaction stemming from her boyfriend’s potential medical emergency.
Given that the OP was unaware of the boyfriend’s allergy, was the OP wrong to defend their actions by stating they are not responsible for the boyfriend’s known allergy when he consumed unlabeled, personal leftovers, or was the roommate correct in prioritizing her immediate fear over the OP’s established personal space and existing grievances?
Here’s how people reacted:
I had a coffee creamer in the fridge at work that was completely labeled as mine. Someone kept drinking it. So I waited another day or so and grabbed the old one from my fridge in my house and swapped it. The one from my house was easily cottage cheese at that point.
Based on the entitled manager that was throwing up after a sip, I found my suspect. Straight up said “have we learned our lesson about stealing now”. She was pissed, tried to write me up but the union contracted with why was she even in our break room when managers were not allowed to be…she transferred stores a couple months later
If someone has a severe allergy they should not be desperately minesweeping any and every scrap of food they can shovel in.
It’s rude to eat a third party’s food without asking in any case, it’s taking advantage to do it continually, and it’s ridiculously stupid to eat random unlabelled food if you have allergies.
This is on your roommate’s BF 100%.
It was a teency bit AH to say she shouldn’t have ever brought him over but I can see that the injustice of her attitude escalated your response.
He is stealing your food.
He has been told not to steal your food.
You cooked dinner and put your leftovers in the fridge.
He stole your food and had a reaction to it.
I see a whole lot him being in the wrong.
Also, as someone with a food allergy this guy is a total moron. Even if someone knows I have an allergy I ask or read a label before eating ANYTHING anyone else has prepared. It is always on you to be vigilant when you can react to eating something.
You are in your own home, you are allowed to cook whatever you like, and her bf is 100000% wrong for taking your food. You don’t have to watch what you cook in case her bf steals. He is the one with the allergy, he should be clever enough to know it’s a bad idea to eat food that he has not clue how it was prepare. It was super stupid on him and his allergic reaction is entirely his fault.
NTA. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
I’m allergic to fish/shellfish and I always ask what’s in the food I’m about to eat. If I go to a restaurant or someone’s house that’s making dinner, I inform them of my allergies. It’s MY responsibility to watch out for myself. Your roommates friend needs to do the same.
Don’t feel bad, hopefully that taught him not to touch other people’s stuff without asking permission.
It may be worth you while finding a different apartment as it appears your roommates behaviour will not change.
SHE’S FIVE.
If a 5 year old can advocate for herself, so can a grown adult.
NTA.
Your roommate sucks.
Your roommate’s boyfriend sucks, and owes you money for stealing your food.
You don’t owe your roommate’s thieving boyfriend anything.
Can I have the chicken recipe?