The current conflict centers on Jen’s strong desire for the OP’s ten-year-old daughter to join a cheerleading group she volunteers with. When the daughter expressed disinterest, the OP intervened to stop the pressure from both the ex and Jen. This resulted in verbal confrontation with the ex via a messaging app and a direct, emotionally charged confrontation with Jen in public. The OP is now questioning whether her firm stance against this forced bonding activity and her blunt response to Jen were justified.
My ex (44M) cheated on me (40F) and ended our marriage so he could be with his affair partner/wife Jen (42F). This happened several years ago when our kids were very young. My ex gets our kids 6 days a month.
He works out of state frequently so this was the most consistent schedule where our kids would be with a parent (me or ex) instead of being left with a babysitter or his wife.
According to my ex and Jen she is sterile and can never have kids. I never asked but they offered this up in hopes I would “share” the kids with her more and encourage them to embrace Jen as their second mom.
I have not done this and I have told them we are not friends and they are not to expect favors from me after going behind my back and doing what they did. Jen was someone I knew before learning the truth.
She was dating someone in my ex’s friend circle and made a point to get to know me. I found out why after. She was expecting us being friends would help me not to hate her afterward.
I bring all this up because of what’s currently going on. Jen was a big cheerleader in her youth and volunteers with local cheer groups. She wants my daughter (10) to get involved in cheer.
My daughter told me about it the other week because Jen was trying to make her go and my ex was backing Jen on it. She told me she didn’t want to and she needed my help. All the kids are aware of the fact stuff like that has to be agreed on by both me and their dad.
I reached out and told my ex our daughter will not be put into cheer against her will and that he needs to stop pressuring her to join. He didn’t respond back the way he’s supposed to (through app) so I noted his reply on the app and got a lot of cussing back.
Jen tried to call me but I didn’t answer. She approached me a few days later while we were in the same store and she told me I can’t keep punishing her by depriving her of my children.
She said she’s been in their lives since they were little and she has every right to bond with them and share stuff with them like that. I told her she does not get to force my kids into stuff like that against their will.
I walked away and she followed me around for a bit and told me how it was her dream to share cheer with a daughter and all the crap that I don’t care about. I told her she should have a daughter of her own if she wants to share it and leave mine alone.
She stopped following me after that and I heard from ex a few times after saying I was cruel to say that to her when I know she can’t have children. AITA?
Conclusion
The OP is firmly positioned between protecting her daughter’s autonomy and managing the intense, boundary-violating demands of her ex-husband and his new partner. The core conflict lies in the expectation set by the ex and Jen that the OP must facilitate their desired familial role, despite the painful history of the divorce, and the OP’s commitment to prioritizing her children’s wishes over this external pressure.
The central question for consideration is where the balance of parental rights and necessary boundaries should lie in this post-divorce arrangement. Should the OP continue to enforce strict separation and veto any joint activities that involve Jen, or is there a point where accommodating the children’s relationship with their father’s partner becomes a necessary, albeit uncomfortable, aspect of co-parenting, even when the motivation seems rooted in Jen’s personal desires?
Here’s how people reacted:
I’m also a firm believer in not forcing relationships one way or another. My dad abandoned family when I was 2 and tried to come back when I was 18 with some new girl. There was a reluctant willingness to get to know him but the more he tried to force his wife upon us, the more distant we grew.
Relationships will always have a way of sorting themselves out whether we agree with them or not. The saving grace if there is any is that it sounds like this woman wants to be involved and a part of this child’s life which is a lot more than so many kids get in these sorts of situations.
You don’t owe anyone anything and you don’t have to do anything to make anyone’s life easier. Although, letting go of the anger, being able to rise above and work together in some way would probably be freeing for both yourself, your children, and the evil devil worshipping ex friend ex spouse.
Only you know what’s right for you and what you’re capable of. Just food for thought, life could be so much better once you’re able to leave the past where it is and accept the present situation for what it is. You can hold onto anger but that’s not going to benefit anybody.
Not because of the affair. Not because of her idiotic manipulation and behaviour. But because you’re standing up for your child’s right to not be forced into activities they don’t want to do.
Too many biological parents try (and in some cases succeed) in bullying their children into activities that are what the parent wants with little or no consideration for what the child is interested in. Our kids are different people, and it’s important to be supportive of their interests and recognise that they may not like the same things we do or did. So even if she had her own daughter, she might not want to do cheer.
Was what you said harsh? Yeah. But, she invited it upon herself by trying to guilt you into allowing her to force her will on your child.
She doesnt’ get to dictate terms over your children, she can’t change that she cheated, but there are many ways to both adopt, foster or help out other children that don’t involve cheating and ruining a marriage.
Even then if her adoptive/other kids didn’t want to be cheerleaders, she’d be a terrible mother to force them into doing things they dislike just because she liked it and that’s not how to be a good parent.
In the end all that counts here is the will and want of your children. If they don’t want to engage in cheerleading they shouldn’t. If they want to bond with your Exs wife they should but it shouldn’t be forced on them and your Ex’s wife definitely doesn’t have ‘a right’ to them bonding with her.
Its not rocket science, forcing children into anything be it a sports or a parental,relationship is never gonna work out for the one doing the forcing
Im not touching the cheating thats a separate issue
I bet with you for my house that she would have let your ex get her pregnant before you even knew that they were cheating on you behind your back.
I swear to you, this scum of the earth would have done anything to get him and to hurt you in the process. And now she is projecting her own failed dreams onto your child?
Hell to the NO. You being cruel? What a joke!!!!
(Grooming doesn’t necessarily mean sexual. It’s can be to manipulate, isolate, encourage dependency so they can be exploited)
In this case exploit a child to see you as their mother
If your daughter wanted to play chess competitively, would Jen be there helping coach that? Or is she only interested if she gets to live vicariously through your daughter?
NTA
screw her. we should all be glad she’s sterile so she cannot inflict her issues on a child. she’s too damn narcissistic to be a parent
you kicked her right in a sensitive spot *that she deserved to be kicked in*
“Hey I know i slept with your husband which lead to the end of your marriage, but please be whilling to share your kids with me…oh and let me force your children to do activities they arent really into”
Ya NTA Op, you did nothing wrong
Kids are not objects or puppies to share; your ex is their father, and you are their mother—that’s it.
cruelty and sadism can be noble values in certain situations including this one. that woman obsession over your kids is alarming though. your ex needs to learn a lesson and be punished for his dirty mouth.
NTA. Keep it civil in front of the kids but there’s definitely no need to be friends with them.
Actions have consequences. Who would’ve thought?
She can’t force your kids to help her realise and live her dreams.
And NTA obviously.
Adoption is a thing, if she really wants to share cheerleading with her own kid…
In this instance it is hard to say. You do you.