She watches helplessly as the man she loves battles his own fears, desperate for him to face the reality threatening his life. Her ultimatum is born not from anger, but from a place of deep love and raw vulnerability — a plea for him to choose health, and for them to choose a future together.
So my boyfriend (33M) has a family history of colorectal cancer. His mom was diagnosed in her early 40s and it was really bad. She survived, but it was a long, awful ordeal. He was old enough to remember it.
Because of that, his doctor told him he should start colonoscopies earlier than most people. He’s technically overdue for his first one. And lately, he’s had some weird stomach problems.
I’ve been telling him for a year to get it checked out. He keeps saying things like, “It’s embarrassing,” “I’m too young,” “What if they find something bad?” Like … yes, that’s the point of the test??
The other night, we got into it because he mentioned again that his stomach has been bothering him. I told him point-blank: “You’re being an idiot. Your mom went through hell with this and you’re ignoring your chance to be healthy.” I also said that if he won’t take care of himself, I don’t know if I can plan a long-term future with him because I don’t want to lose a partner to something that could have been caught early.
He got really upset and accused me of being controlling and dramatic. Now he’s barely speaking to me.
I feel like I was harsh, but honestly? I’m scared. The news has story after story of people dying from this because they ignored it too long. People his age, too. I’d rather him be mad at me than bury him in ten years.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in a state of high anxiety, driven by fear of losing her boyfriend due to a preventable, yet serious, health risk linked to his family history. Her central conflict arises from her direct, urgent actions—calling him an ‘idiot’ and issuing a potential ultimatum about their future—clashing with his defensive reaction, which frames her intervention as controlling behavior.
Was the OP justified in using harsh language and linking his health compliance to the future of their relationship, or did this approach cause unnecessary emotional damage? The core question remains: When does concern for a partner’s well-being cross the line into unacceptable control, especially when dealing with serious, time-sensitive medical neglect?
Here’s how people reacted:
You had a very good point. If he wont do basic medical care for himself when there is an issue, most would think twice.
He is engaging in what I would call ‘risky behavior ‘. Something that puts him at risk. Some women are fine dating and being with someone who loves to live on the edge, some can’t do that. Nothing wrong with either position, it just is another incompatibility.
Hopefully you can get him to see that having the test does NOT cause the problem. It only identifies it and allows a plan to be created to deal with it.
It may be a completely different issue than his mother’s and easily handled. But he will never know unless he goes in. All he is doing is adding to both of your stress levels which can also make his problem worse.
Maybe use an analogy he may understand. Like a leak somewhere in the house. Dripping away, causing water damage. And the source of the leak, by not being managed, is only growing and letting in MORE water, causing more damage. Where if the leak had been dealt with while small, it would have been an easy fix with little side damage. Waiting just allows the side damage to spread and grow. The leak to enlarge. Does he have to wait for the pipe or roof to give way and fall into the rest of the house???
In arguments like this I reckon it’s *much* more effective to act sad rather than angry or confrontational. I agree 100% he should go get checked out. I know if I was your boyfriend though, I would’ve much preferred concern over the hostility of being called names.
I do hope he gets checked. Cancer is awful, I know that first hand. Tell him how much you care for him and how you will constantly worry about him until he is checked. Instead of an ultimatum I might even say something to the affect of “My constant worry for you is hurting me so deeply I am seriously considering ending this relationship”. If that doesn’t make him go get checked, nothing will.
Good luck!
Maybe ask him what it is in particular that makes me feel like this embarrassing. And the end of the day he needs to take accountability and ultimately won’t do it unless he decides he will. I’d sit him down and say how I can support you so you can seek the help you need. Point blank id say if you dont seek the help, you can’t complain about the stomach problems. But maybe I am harsh 😬
Early CRC is easy to treat. Late is terrible. He’s playing with fire and being a child. “What if they find something??” My guy, the “something” is already there, growing, and NOT knowing it’s there doesn’t make it magically disappear.
People die from colon cancer who could have been saved if it was caught early. And a family history makes you WAY more likely to get it.
NTA. Yes, he’s being an idiot.
Also, speaking as a 45-yo guy who just had my first one this year, **it’s really not that bad**. You take the prep, you clear your guts, you go in the next morning, take a nap and wake up starving. Honestly, being hungry was the only really sucky part, lol.
I’m a psychologist working in medical settings and see plenty of patients avoiding workup of their symptoms. I remind them that if they have cancer, diabetes, whatever, they have it. They’re already living as if the worst case scenario is true. Testing doesn’t change that fact — it just sheds light on what’s going on and gives them the opportunity to do something about it.
His body, his choice. And your life, your choice. There is capsule cameras though (and they are more effective for most), so if finances allows it, that is a less degrading option at least. Worth being aware of that exists.
He might also benefit from getting a solid update on colon cancer treatment now vs 30 years ago, and how it is when it is caught early’ish vs at late stages. The hell his mother did go through is likely quite different than what she would gone through these days.
There’s nothing more stupid than someone putting off a test “in case the find something”. That is the point of the test, if there is something to find, it’s caught early and treated. I have Crohn’s disease. I have regular colonoscopies. The prep is pretty savage but the sedation means I don’t remember them at all. The doctors doing this test LITERALLY studied to deal with “embarrassing” body parts and they will be thrilled to see someone being proactive about their bowel health
He is being an idi*t to avoid the checks, even more so if he’s having stomach problems. Cancer seems to be appearing at younger and younger ages so it isn’t smart for him to delay. It’s very selfish.
They found polyps, I’ll find out soon if they were cancerous or benign. If cancerous, they would have been left there for at least 10+ years until I was “old enough” for a colonoscopy.
It’s 2 days of discomfort to save perhaps his life, and your heart/future. I hope he listens to you and gets one done.
I’ve been getting colonoscopies since my early 20’s due to IBS and ulcerative colitis. They suck. but they beat the hell out of finding out you have cancer too late.
This is what a boundary is, folks. Please take notes.
NTA. You were harsh, yes. But justifiably so.
The embarrassment will pass. Remind him that the medical staff performing the colonoscopy do that for a living, and they’d rather him come in too soon, rather than too late.
If he asks why then say, “because I think if you fail to take care of yourself you’re going to die first, and then I’ll be stuck all alone. So I’m taking care of myself since you won’t take care of yourself.”
He’s being a doofus. Lots of men behave this way towards preventative medicine.
Dear doofus: if you see this, stop being a doofus, and schedule your colonoscopy. It’s not that bad, and could save you from cancer.
Cheaper and more effective.
The answer is ‘then they can save your life in time.’
NTA
My bf died because he was a stubborn butt munch who wouldn’t go to the doctor or change his habits. He was 29.