Then, just when the wounds seemed too deep to heal, a new chapter began. A year ago, Jane met someone who shattered the cycle of disappointment, offering a glimpse of the love she had always longed for. Her journey from despair to hope is a testament to the strength of the human spirit and the power of unwavering friendship.
I have this friend, let’s call her Jane. We’re in our mid-thirties now but we were roommates since freshman year in college. She’s one of my closest friends and I know her super well.
And I know that for all of her twenties, she had horrendous luck with her love life and was extremely insecure about it. She always wanted to get married and have kids and kept ending up with douchebags who would cheat on her, or man who straight up didn’t like her (daddy issues) and crying about it…
and I was always there for her through it and reassuring her how she won’t die alone. But her love life kinda became a punchline in our group of friends and sometimes she’d go along with it, especially once she got into her 30s and was still single.
She’d say like “haha yeah guys we all know I’m gonna die alone” all the time and I know she was torn up about it, but we were always reassuring her that its not the case and she was in therapy about it.
Anyways, about a year ago she finally met an incredible man and they fell in love almost instantly. He proposed to her last week and she’s just completely over the moon, I’ve never seen her this happy.
This weekend we all went out to celebrate and all our friends were saying how we’re so happy for her after a long and difficult road, and it was really emotional. For context, I’m still single, no boyfriend, and I want to get married too (but I’m not a pathology like she was) and so I said “I can’t believe JANE will get married before me!”
She started crying and stormed out and the evening was completely spoiled. I tried calling her this weekend but she was hysterical and said that I didn’t have to point out that she’s so unlovable and its a miracle she tricked someone into proposing.
Its quite sad… but that’s not what I meant… that’s her own baggage. I apologized but also suggested she should talk to her therapist about that reaction and now she completely refuses to speak to me and won’t answer my messages.
A couple others in our friend group are on her side, while some have said that she’s overreacting and will come around. AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a serious rift with a close friend following a seemingly offhand remark made during a celebration. The OP feels their comment about getting married before their friend was misinterpreted, while the friend views it as a painful reminder of past insecurities and self-worth issues, leading to a complete breakdown in communication.
Given the history of the friend’s insecurity regarding marriage and the OP’s acknowledged but seemingly innocent comment, the core question remains: Was the OP’s statement an insensitive jab that exploited known vulnerabilities, or was it a justifiable expression of surprise and happiness that the friend reacted disproportionately due to unresolved personal trauma?
Here’s how people reacted:
>her love life kinda became a punchline in our group of friends and sometimes she’d go along with it
I can’t believe she put up with you all these years.
>For context, I’m still single, no boyfriend, and I want to get married too (but I’m not a pathology like she was) and so I said “I can’t believe JANE will get married before me!”
You think she’s a pathology. What the hell you mean by “pathology” is a mystery but I’d guess you mean something between pathetic and pathological? And you don’t think it’s an insult?
Ooh, and then to top if off you twisted your apology into an excuse to tell her she needed therapy for her overreaction.
Listen, she’s been dreaming if this for years. You gate crashed it with a horrible joke-not joke. Instead of apologizing profusely you blamed her.
My take is that she didn’t just have a history of toxic boyfriends, she had a history of toxic friends. I hope she and her fiance have a lovely wedding 💕.
She has been in bad relationships, finally found someone to love and you have to put her down “as a joke”. It’s not a joke if she’s laughing. It’s not a joke if she’s in therapy. It’s not a joke IF YOU KNEW SHE WAS FEELING TERRIBLE ABOUT IT. You don’t get to blame this on “her baggage”, especially since you have added to it. Don’t call yourself her friend if you don’t start acting like it. You sounded jealous in this moment and made the situation about you, putting her down, AGAIN.
You are also single and in your mid-thirties. But somehow all the jokes are about Jane.
I’m going to go out on a limb and say that you think you are more attractive than Jane. And what you are really upset about is that your “ugly” or “fat” friend or whatever found love before you did. How dare she get engaged when you haven’t found anyone yet.
Hell, it doesn’t even matter if you are or aren’t more attractive than her. The point is, you think you somehow are more deserving of love than her — it’s the only reason you’d get upset at the idea of her getting married before you. It’s like you think she somehow cut ahead of you in the marriage line or some bullshit.
Regardless of outward appearances, your friend Jane is attractive where it really matters. Which is probably why you’re still single.
Even in this post you’re still putting her down by saying “It’s quite sad” “she should talk to her therapist” etc and trying to build yourself up as the strong person instead of the incredibly jealous person that your unlovable friend found someone before you.
This girl is supposed to be on one of your ‘best friends,” she has been in therapy over this issue, and when she finally finds happiness you make a very cruel and insensitive joke.
You may have been trying to be funny, but in her eyes you are basically saying it’s surprising she got married which means something is wrong with her, etc. etc… Not exactly a fun thing to bring up at her celebration party.
You are worse than a “pathology”, you are dead jealous of your friend. She was concerned about her own happiness. You, on the other hand, can only compare yourself to someone else and feel the need to put them down to feel better. It is one thing to want something good to happen to you too and something else entirely to have to bring others down to get it.
You should seek help.
Edit: YTA
Good grief dude. Why would you treat your friend like this?
“Her love life became a punchline”
“I can’t believe *Jaaayyyaaaaane* is getting married before me!*
She was so happy and your reduced her down to the punchline again.
And then you blamed it on her baggage (which you and your friends gave her by the way) and told her to go to therapy.
YTA a million times over.
Also, usually a tell-tale sign that you’re an asshole is if you say “I’m sorry BUT”.
What an awful thing to say. You’re not Janes friend that’s for sure. No friend would *ever* crash such a happy occasion like this. And if that’s not bad enough you have the audacity to tell her **she’s the one over reacting. She needs to go to therapy.** No. you need to go to therapy and grow tf up.
“Wow, I can’t believe you’re upset that I commented I’m surprised you found someone to love you! You should talk to a therapist about it because there is absolutely no reason why it would reasonably upset someone to have that said in front of a group. You obviously need help!”
You have one chance to look in the mirror and see clearly, apologize with no “But-” and hopefully live this down. Get to it.
Also I love how you rubbed it in more and diverted the blame by telling her she should talk to a therapist for being understandably upset with you.
> I apologized but also suggested she should talk to her therapist about that reaction
YTA