Behind closed doors, his family witnesses the clash between love and frustration, as his sharp words and misguided beliefs create invisible barriers that keep intimacy at bay. In this delicate dance of care and conflict, they grapple with the challenge of helping him see beyond his own perspective, hoping to unlock the warmth and empathy he struggles to express.
I’ve got a younger brother (24) with Aspergers and he’s very high functioning albeit with his quirks. Recently I’ve moved back home during the stay at home orders to look after my parents.
My brother still lives with them. I find out he’s been trying to date in recent months and confessed it’s been pretty unsuccessful for him. He even got to go on a first date but his date literally got up and left after about a half hour.
I know exactly the reason why and it’s not flattering. For one thing my parents coddled him since he was a kid because he was on the spectrum and was the only boy in our family. My mom in particular always told him he was smarter and more advanced than everyone else who’s neurotypical.
This has led to his belief today that he genuinely is smarter than everyone else, especially women who he thinks are inherently irrational, illogical people.
So I know how he interacts with women like me or his other sisters. He tends to say very hurtful things first and when we get upset, he will then say things like “you are being irrational/hysterical/illogical, I’m just being honest and you can’t accept it.” This is like his catch phrase over the years and drives us absolutely INSANE.
Anyways when he asked me I basically said, “listen the truth is your way of talking to women can come across as extremely demeaning and borderline sexist.” I told him he acts like he can read every woman perfectly when he’s pretty much always wrong.
This struck the wrong nerve with him and he later complained to my parents that I attacked him over things he can’t control.
Now I’m in hot water for “ruining his confidence” and I feel both bad and kinda relieved at the same time. This was the first time in my life I told him how annoying his behavior is because growing up our mom always blamed us whenever he got upset.
But maybe I was too harsh? AITA for telling him what I said?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) expressed direct, critical feedback to their younger brother regarding his perceived demeaning and sexist communication style towards women, behavior which they believe stems from parental over-coddling related to his Asperger’s diagnosis. The brother reacted negatively, claiming the OP damaged his confidence, leading to parental disapproval of the OP’s intervention.
Was the OP justified in confronting their brother about his harmful communication patterns, even if it risked damaging his already fragile confidence, or should the OP have remained silent to avoid conflict with both the brother and the parents who enabled the behavior?
Here’s how people reacted:
My older brother is the one with Asperger’s, I feel for him in a lot of ways because he has a much harder time socially and has no friends. I know from when he did have friends and partners that he treated them very well, but for the majority of my life he was abusive, angry and unreasonable, his anger issues still pop up every now and then, but overall he’s changed quite a big in the last few years. He’s about to turn 26 and my parents still treat him like he’s 10 and give special treatment, they always make excuses for his behaviour (except my mom is the one that actually acknowledges the abuse, my dad does not and makes excuses for him). I know from so many experiences how frustrating it can be, I know when they’re adolescents that they do need more help, but they get help so they can adapt to the neuro-typical world, so they should no longer be coddled beyond a certain age, unless their Asperger’s is low functioning. I’m the only one who tells it like it is with my brother, him and my parents don’t appreciate it, but he needs to be made aware of these things, or he’ll never make a conscious effort to make a change. Your parents need to take responsibility and realize he’s not a child anymore, in my opinion, you did the right thing here, kudos to you.
**Yikes.**
>He tends to say very hurtful things first and when we get upset, he will then say things like “you are being irrational/hysterical/illogical, I’m just being honest and you can’t accept it.”
Uhm.. Just because they’re women? He needs a reality check.
>Anyways when he asked me I basically said, “listen the truth is your way of talking to women can come across as extremely demeaning and borderline sexist.”
You said it a lot nice than I would’ve done. It isn’t just the way he’s talking, it sounds like he *is* sexist.
>This struck the wrong nerve with him and he later complained to my parents that I attacked him over things he can’t control.
He can obviously control it. He’s high functioning, going on dates, talking to you guys, understanding. He’s just not acting like he’s in this century.
Also, he went to your parents to complain? He’s 24. If he wants to complain, he can complain to his friends, or to *you* since you’re the one he’s mad at.
You’re NTA. Nope. His own actions are leading to dates going the way they are.
Now, I can understand some of that. Despite being female myself I had a long time when I felt like in general women were illogical and overly emotional. I never believed all women were like that, just that it was a trait more common in us than men. I also was incredibly arrogant and at one point unfortunately legitimately believed I was smarter than most people. I’ve been humbled a lot but even now I catch myself thinking someone is stupid without considering their background or the many areas in which they are most definitely smarter than I am.
Your brother both being coddled and on the spectrum means his thinking is far more black and white on the subject than it should be. He deserved the reality check and hopefully coming from someone he knows loves him will make it sink in.
Having Asperger doesn’t mean you’re ”more intelligent” then other people. Your mother has done the most awful thing you can do when raising someone who is on the spectrum: making him believe he’s special for being on the spectrum.
In fact, his problem doesn’t seem to be a part of Asperger but with being a general asshole thanks to upbringing. Thinking less of other people is not a symptom of autism. Thinking woman are illogical and irrational is not a symptom of autism. Being so lazy as to blame the world instead of changing yourself is not a symptom of autism.
These are thing that have been taught over the years thank to your mother. The only thing to change him is if people stop treating him like he’s special. You’re NTA for doing that.
And the point of a date is to get people to like you.
So, for starters, your brother isn’t as smart as he thinks he is. And that’s not some ignoring social cues shit, that’s “do the barest minimum of research into how people work.”
The WORST thing you can do for someone with any sort of challenge or disability is to create an environment where they are *unable* to develop the skills they *need* in order to participate in society.
In sum, NTA.
That said, please don’t use the term “high functioning.” It is harmful and has no basis in science. It is just a way of saying someone is good at masking, and masking is exhausting.
Could it have been done more tactfully? Maybe. But I think your brother is dangerously at risk of being an incel if you aren’t straight with him.
Edit: spelling.
Your parents are the ones who really suck here. They have done him no favours by raising him like this.
NTA.
You didn’t insult him. You gave a dose of truth. Of he wants to be in a relationship he needs to fix his attitude towards women.