But beneath the surface of this harmonious arrangement, subtle tensions begin to stir with the arrival of Michael, Thora’s new husband. What started as a promising alliance, filled with hope and mutual respect, slowly unravels as jealousy and unease creep in. A simple summer talent show becomes the stage for unspoken conflicts, threatening to disrupt the delicate equilibrium painstakingly maintained for the children’s happiness.
I share two kids Indie (10m) and Colbie (8f) with my ex-wife Thora. We have remained very close and she and I don’t follow a strict parenting plan. We do our best to have the kids see us both as much as possible.
We celebrate every birthday, every Christmas together, and we show up to support our kids together as much as we can make work with our jobs. The kids love it. Sometimes it will be my parenting time but they want Thora and so they spend that day with her, or vice versa.
Works so well for the kids.
Thora married Michael in November 2021. He and I got along in the beginning. He clearly loved Thora and was great with the kids, which is what Thora and I cared most about. But then this past summer some things changed with Michael.
An example is Indie was singing and playing an instrument at this little talent show his summer camp set up. Thora and I both went, so did Michael, who took the day off work. Michael did not look happy to see me and once Thora was not within earshot or sightline, he was visibly tense and I swear he groaned at some point near me.
Then Thora had to go out of state to see a friend of hers who was very sick. The kids chose to stay with me and I don’t believe Michael was happy about that. I tried to ask him about it but he swore things were fine.
In November Indie and Colbie had a busy month with different stand out things within extra curricular’s and school. I was lucky enough to attend 9/10 of them with Thora attending 8/10.
Michael got to attend 3/10. All three were ones I could attend and it felt very much like he didn’t want me there.
Late last month when Michael and I were the ones attending a school function for the kids that he asked me to show up to less of the kids events and let him and Thora do some of that stuff with the kids as a family.
I told him they already do. He said not when I’m around. That I am getting in the way of him being a parental figure for the kids. I told him he was a parental figure and the kids love him.
He said they will never consider us equal until they see him instead of me at some of these events. He said it’s important for the more “stable family unit of four”. I told him I was not willing to miss the kids events.
He did not take it well and accused me of interfering and alienating their chances of a family unit. He texted me after the event with things he wanted me to miss (including Indie’s Elementary school graduation in May).
I told him it was not happening. He told me Thora wanted this too.
Thora knew nothing of this and told me the kids would be so upset if we did what Michael wanted, which I knew also. She was angry at Michael. Michael is angry at me still. He called me an asshole.
I don’t want to believe I’m an asshole but I know this is not the norm for every divorced parents situation and it makes me ask if I am TA for not letting them have some of those events just them.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in a difficult position, balancing a highly collaborative and child-focused co-parenting relationship with the discomfort and demands of their ex-wife’s new husband, Michael. The central conflict lies in Michael’s insistence that the OP reduce their presence at joint family and school events to establish Michael as the primary parental figure in a perceived ‘family unit of four,’ directly challenging the established, close, and beneficial dynamic the OP and ex-wife have maintained for their children.
Is the OP wrong for prioritizing their children’s established comfort and their active involvement in their lives over the new husband’s desire to limit the co-parent’s visibility at shared events? Or, should the OP concede some appearances to support the new family structure Michael demands?
Here’s how people reacted:
*You* are their father and it sounds like you and Thora are working hard to make sure your kids know how much their parents love them. You’re doing a great thing.
*Michael* wants a nuclear family, mum, dad, 2 kids. You don’t fit in his family. You aren’t undermining his position as their *stepfather*, you’re stopping him from *attempting to replace you* as “dad”. He wants your children to turn to him instead of you. He feels as though he’s entitled to a stronger bond because he’s married to their mother. He’s projecting and *he’s attempting to undermine you*.
You need to talk to Thora. Just tell her that you’ve thought that Michael was upset with you for a while and you weren’t sure what you’d done, but he finally spoke to you. That he wants you to spend less time with the kids so he can “bond” with them. So *she* should try and figure out some way for them to spend time together *during her time* because you aren’t giving up time *with your children* for him.
Michael on the other hand, he is an insecure AH and Thora had better have a very stern talk with him about what he has done which is essentially trying to control your parenting rights Someone has already said it but he needs to do something about his insecurity. He went into a relationship with Thora with both eyes wide open – hmm or maybe he didn’t
Please continue to tell your ex about any messages or conversations her current husband is having with you. He’s disrespecting her by going behind her back and removing her from the decision making with her own kids. At least he’s involving you. She deserves to know.
You and your ex sound like awesome co parents. I can’t tell you how much that will help your kids. Keep putting them first. If your ex is as awesome as you describe I don’t think this marriage will last anyways.
Here’s the thing. The family unit of four exists of you, your ex-wife and the 2 children you have together. THAT’S the family unit. Doesn’t matter if you’re still together or on your 4th divorce, that family unit will always exist. Michael coming in opens it to a family of 5, and he needs to blend in.
NTA, you’re a good dad.
He doesn’t get to tell you, their biological father to “leave room” for he who has only been around a couple of years.
State of him asking you to step aside from being a present father.
He’s an asshole. And lying to you about what your ex said shows him to be a liar too.
Manipulating his way to you being a less present father? Yikes!
Even if it did make you the ahole, would you sacrifice that time with your kids for Michael? Is Michael that important to you?
NtA. Michael needs to know his lane and stay in his lane.
Nobody in their right mind would ever ask a biological father with a healthy parenting relationship to be *less* involved in their children’s lives.
A narcissist or someone being selfish might, but not someone with an even keel.