A is more than just a dutiful child; he is the steady anchor amid sibling storms, the peacemaker who steps up when tensions rise, and the compassionate heart that puts others before himself. In his father’s eyes, A embodies the silent power of kindness and maturity, proving that true leadership is not about the number of chores done, but the character shown in every moment.
I (43M) have four kids. The two oldest are twin boys (both 14M) and then we have two girls (10F and 7F). All of them are pretty responsible kids, and consistently do their chores as they’re meant to.
There is a little chart that says what all their jobs are, with each of their roles being proportional to their ages. The boys take on the largest number of responsibilities, which each of them alternating jobs every week.
Officially, their allowances have been as follows for a while:
Boys: both $15 a week
10-year-old: $10
7-year-old: $2, mostly for symbolic purposes lol
Obviously, as the girls age, they’ll start making more money, just as they’ll start doing more work around the house.
But here’s the thing. One of my boys (call him A to differentiate) is a real leader in the home. He’s just naturally brilliant with people, is constantly dealing with conflicts between his sisters and his brother, takes charge in rough situations, and is really considerate of others.
He’s always been the “frontman” between his brother and him, with him speaking for both of them while his brother hangs back. Though we’ve never told him to, and though it’s not his responsibility, he’s always been a real help to his mother and me in keeping the house running smoothly.
His brother (call him B), on the other hand, is much more reserved. He keeps to himself. That’s not a problem, but we do recognize that A takes on more “emotional labor” in the household than B.
So, my wife and I have been giving A an extra $5 a week for the past year, so he’s been making $20 while B’s been making $15. We think that’s fair, since A’s taken on more responsibilities in the house, even if they weren’t responsibilities we told him to take on.
The boys both have debit cards (got them when they were 13), so we put the money directly into their accounts and neither of them see money getting exchanged. A does know he makes more money, though.
Last week, however, B found out his brother was making more money than him. They were online shopping for video games, and B questioned why A was able to afford stuff he couldn’t (A hasn’t really spent his extra money, so it’s accumulated a fair bit).
A admitted to him that he’s been making more.
B is absolutely furious with us. He says that it’s totally unfair that they’ve been doing the same amount of chores, but A’s been making more money. But we don’t really know how to explain to him that A deserves recognition for the less easily quantifiable work he does in our family.
Conclusion
The father is facing conflict because his son, B, feels his allowance is unfairly lower than his twin brother A’s, despite both performing the same listed chores. The parents believe A deserves extra compensation for unassigned but valuable emotional labor and leadership within the family, creating a direct clash between objective task completion and subjective contributions.
Should parents compensate children differently for unassigned emotional labor and informal leadership roles when baseline chores are equal, or does this practice undermine the principle of fair, equal treatment among siblings performing standardized work?
Here’s how people reacted:
First of all from what you said it sounds like youre giving him 5 dollars extra to do your parenting for you.
Second of all, this work that he does is not a chore that he is performing. Peacemaking between his siblings is not a chore and frankly you are setting them up to hate each other. Children should make money according to the given tasks that they have performed. Serious YTA for treating it like a workplace where one employee gets a bonus and another employee doesn’t. It’s not a workplace they are children.
Thirdly and most importantly, you’re rewarding one child for being more like what you desire instead of celebrating how each child is unique. Shame on you for that man.
Edit: i woke up to a gold and a silver award! Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Many twins seek differences between each other, and you’ve now given them one that mum and dad value twin A more than twin B.
I get where you’re coming from with the emotional labour stance, but by “rewarding” twin A for his personality, you’re inadvertently showing twin B that you prefer twin A’s personality more, and by extention that you prefer twin A over twin B. Emotional labour is not something you can healthily apply to your kids. That’s between you and your wife.
You’re showing twin B that his personality isn’t worth rewarding, and that he isn’t worth as much as their twin.
You’re also giving twin A an ego boost, which has a chance of going wrong. They could take it out on their twin by putting them down, and having “proof” that their parents think twin A is more valuable than twin B. Not exactly a dynamic worth encouraging.
Oof.
Why wouldn’t he feel betrayed and honestly, probably loved less (you put a value on it) by you and your wife. That is clear favouritism.
I know B can learn A’s skill, but at 14…
In the real world introverts get shit on a lot and passed over because of poor networking skills despite having the adequate competencies but do you really have to execute that reality in your home to a 14 year old…
You’re basically punishing son B for not being as outgoing as son A which, now that he knows his brother “earns” more, will do mental damage. I know this from experience.
Allowances are for physical tasks done not emotional ones.
It seems you’re rewarding A and penalizing B based on personality traits.
Resolving conflicts with his siblings etc is not his job, the household chores are.
You’ve given one of your sons an extra $260 for being an extrovert.
Duh, YTA