Her parents watch with a mixture of pride and heartache as Cleo retreats into the comforting world of books, finding solace in stories that connect her to her mother’s childhood. Though she often plays alone at recess, she is not broken — she is resilient, carving out her own space in a world that hasn’t quite learned to embrace her yet. This is a story not just of loneliness, but of strength, hope, and the quiet courage of a young girl who continues to dream and grow, even when the world around her feels cold.
My daughter, Cleo (11) is very active outside of school. She plays soccer, takes swim lessons and will play outside a lot with neighborhood kids. She’s very social. Most of her friends are from outside of school.
At school, however, she struggles making friends. Cleo has ADHD and was bullied in 3rd and 4th grade for some of that. While it was brought under control by 5th (current grade), these kids still don’t play with her and pretty much ice her out.
While I don’t think they have to play with her, it also means that she doesn’t socialize a lot at school. She’s okay with this.
Her teacher says our daughter often plays alone at recess or reads. My wife and I were not very concerned and explained she’s very social and active afterwards.
Cleo is a huge reader. She’s currently reading her way through my wife’s collection of books from her childhood. She loves them and treasures them, knowing they were her mama’s and wants to take great care of them.
She came home on Tuesday, very upset and worried her mom would be upset with her. I asked why and she said her teacher took her book away and won’t give it back until tomorrow. When pressed for more information, she said she was reading at recess.
Her teacher walked over, took the book and told her to go play. My daughter begged for her book back and the teacher refused.
I quickly assured Cleo that she wasn’t in trouble and even called my wife at work to have her back me up. It was quite concerning that she was so afraid, as my wife isn’t one to fly off the handle.
She’s always gentle with Cleo. As suspected, my wife assured her she wasn’t upset and that Cleo did zero wrong.
The next day, I brought Cleo to school early and walked her to class, no one but the teacher was there. I told the teacher to give me the book. She obliged and tried to defend herself.
I told her to save it and she had no right. There is no rule that Cleo *has* to do physical activity at recess and we expressed no concern. The teacher said she was allowed to set boundaries for her class but I pointed out recess was free time.
It’s not like Cleo is reading during math. We went back and forth, and finally I said I’d be reaching out to the principal.
The issue was resolved quickly. I don’t know the particulars, except the principal told me that Cleo is allowed to read at recess and unless she is actively harming someone or reading during a non-designated time, she wouldn’t have any more books confiscated.
My wife and I were pleased. Cleo even more so.
My cousin is a teacher at this school, just a different grade. She says what I did is “hot gossip” in the teacher’s lounge and that I have been marked as “one of those parents”. She says the teacher isn’t paid enough and I should’ve just accepted the rule.
When I pointed out we only have 2 more months left at this school (Cleo is our only and starts junior high in august), that’s not a concern.
My wife and I feel justified, but we are wondering if I’m an asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) acted decisively to defend their daughter, Cleo, after her personal property (a cherished book) was confiscated by her teacher for reading during recess. The central conflict lies between the parent’s belief in supporting the child’s autonomy and personal interest, even if it means defying a unilateral classroom rule, versus the teacher’s perceived need to enforce standards of conduct, which the OP’s cousin suggested should be accepted due to professional pressures and the short time remaining in the school year.
Given that the principal ultimately sided with the OP, validating Cleo’s right to read during free time, was the OP justified in escalating the issue directly to the teacher and then the principal, or did this approach unfairly target the teacher and create unnecessary conflict so close to the end of the school year?
Here’s how people reacted:
I think she has every right. If she thought there was a problem, she had every right to try to resolve it. Now, if you the parent can inform her its not a problem, great but she has every right to try to encourage your kid to be more social if she thinks that’s a problem.
Would it have been better, in the year 2023, for her to somehow contact you directly (I hope to god teacher/parent email shares are universal) yes. It also would have been better for you to reach out and ask for the book to be quickly return and your child be allowed to do their free time at their discretion.
There’s no need to put anyone on defense, tell her to save it. You should be interested in the rationale behind your child’s instruction. You may not have all the info and relying wholly on your kids recollection and not even being willing to listen is how you become “one of those” parents. Teacher’s don’t mind active parents, they don’t mind parents with differing values/views; thats part of the gig. You become “one of those” when you become a parent is going to take their child’s word as absolute and show up unwilling to even hear out if there’s another issue at play. Sure, teacher could be wrong that happens. Parents can be wrong, kids can be wrong. We all can be wrong. It becomes AH when you forget this and don’t even care to understand.
I think here, because you feel like you fully know and have already resolved the issue, you were unwilling to even engage and you are now “one of those”
P.S.
Just something my kid’s counselor brought to my attention:
> It was quite concerning that she was so afraid, as my wife isn’t one to fly off the handle. She’s always gentle with Cleo.
If you’ve never been disappointed in your kid and showed what that looks like, they are gonna fear it till they know its nothing to be afraid of.
The worst thing about not fitting in / being introvert / being on your own / simply loving reading more than interacting with these specific classmates or whatever reason someone has for not joining in, is the constant pressure to do something that others want you to do because they think you should want it and you are missing out.
You gave your daughter the message that it is okay to be herself. To spend her ‘me-time’ the way SHE wants to. It is a powerful message and who cares what the teacher’s lounge thinks of that.
Some teachers are on power trips and really do not understand ND kids. Nor do they try to.
I was called into a PT conference because my son was “world building” during class. (Seriously kid has an imagination Tolkien would be proud of)
Turns out it was free time after a test that he aced.
My questions were
Was he disturbing other kids still testing?
No
Is he having trouble grasping your subject, does he need to be focusing more?
No
Are other kids allowed to read during that time?
Yes
So what’s the issue?
Silence.
ETA fixed spelling
You think kids just sit off to the side because *they* don’t like anyone? Ummm no. The loners are loners because no one likes them. Telling them to go “insert” themselves is like a social death sentence.
You did the right thing. The teacher was strangely out of line and lacking in compassion. Even if well-intentioned, she effectively punished Chloe which was wildly inappropriate.
Maybe suggesting they play, or trying to get them involved with the class, taking their book is EXTRA crossing a line
You did absolutely right and now the staff knows that you are “one of those parents” that protect their kids. That’s a big difference from overbearing or being a “helicopter parent.”
And you’re right, recess is FREE TIME. This isn’t reading or sitting out PE ie ‘compulsory exercise’ or like during another subject.
A teacher discouraging a kid from reading? That’s a new one. Apparently the principal agreed with you.
I agree that teachers are underpaid, but that doesn’t really have anything to do with this situation.
A lot of times parents called “one of those parents” and hated by teachers are just parents trying to advocate for their own kids who usually are neurodivergent or have different needs in general
Nothing wrong with reading a damn book during recess. Teacher was dumb to “confiscate” a book.
Let it be gossip, you did nothing wrong.