Her family’s insistence to include her sister, despite the emotional scars left behind, threatened to unravel her carefully woven dreams. In a world where love and frustration collide, she stood at the crossroads of vulnerability and strength, desperately yearning for a space where her light could shine unshadowed by the harshness she knew all too well.
I (18f) got into this prestigious art show that I am really excited about. It opens up on Friday and there’s going to be a party, but I didn’t tell my family because I didn’t want my sister (24f) to come.
Long story short, my sister’s autistic. She’s really smart (she went to an Ivy League School!) but does not do well with social cues. Usually, this leads her to belittling me and being mean.
My parents always tell me to get over it, and that since she’s autistic, she can’t help it. But she doesn’t unleash on them the same way that she unleashes on me, so I don’t think they really understand.
Every time something good happens to me she just kinds of shits on it/me and she never, ever apologizes. Anyhow, my parents found out about the art show and got mad at me for not telling them.
They told me they’ll be coming to the opening with my sister (since she’s currently living with us). I ended up breaking down and begging them not to bring her. I worked so, so hard for this and since she thinks that my paintings are silly in the first place, I know she’s going to try bringing me down in front of my friends and teachers.
I asked if they could just wait until after the party and go later (the show will be up for a week) but they said they’d be coming to the party. They also said I was being ableist by wanting to exclude my sister.
My sister found out and started screaming at me and calling me an asshole for not letting her share in this moment with me. From my point of view, I just want to have a happy night and celebrate this accomplishment, but idk.
Everyone in my family’s pissed at me so maybe I am the asshole?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing a difficult conflict between celebrating a major personal achievement and managing anticipated emotional harm from a family member with autism, whose past behavior has involved belittling comments. The OP attempted to avoid this distress by not inviting the sister, leading to anger from the parents who prioritize inclusion, framing the OP’s actions as ableist.
Given the sister’s history of negative social interactions directed specifically at the OP, is the OP justified in prioritizing their mental well-being and the integrity of their celebration night, or do family obligations and considerations for a sibling’s disability require the OP to endure the potential negative consequences?
Here’s how people reacted:
EDIT: I want to add that autistic people have diverse personalities like neurotypical people do. So, autistic people can be sweet, mean, compassionate, cruel, funny .etc. There isn’t one personality that comes with being autistic. Your sister is probably an abusive person who is also autistic. Your parents saying that she’s abusive because she’s autistic is VERY ableist and they are enablers.
EDIT CONTINUED: In terms of social communication, autism makes people very socially awkward around neurotypical people. Or we might say rude things without realizing they’re rude. Since there is a pattern of her constantly berating and belittling you, that is indicative that she is abusive rather than this just being her autism. Autism does not make a person abusive. Autistic people can be abusive, but that’s not because of their autism.
MORE EDITS: I’m going to give an example of a story that follows a category of something that has happened many times throughout my life. When I was 11, I went to summer camp. This was before I had any idea that I was autistic. I was constantly told that I was being rude to counselors and campers. I honestly had no idea how or why I was being rude because no one told me, they just said I was being rude. I didn’t understand why any of the things I was doing were rude. They just said I was being rude. I couldn’t understand what about my behavior was rude but I felt deep shame about it. But since I didn’t understand why my behavior was rude, nothing about it changed. I was also being bullied for other stuff related to me being autistic (lack of understanding social cues, special interests.etc), not the rudeness.
The toll this took on me got to a point where I had a giant meltdown and the camp owners, not knowing I was autistic, took that as a “tantrum” and threatened to kick me out of the camp. So, then I just talked a lot less for the rest of the summer (rather than changing my behavior, because I couldn’t figure out why it was rude), and also for the coming years I went to that camp. Reports kept coming in that I was rude, but because I didn’t know why and I felt EXTREME shame about it… I stayed quiet, it didn’t happen as much as before.
The reason I am telling this story is because I want to show that autistic people may not know why their behavior is considered rude by other people, but we DO feel very shameful when someone informs us that it was rude. And we want to change the behavior however we can. But we don’t always know how to.
On the other hand, abusive people (autistic or neurotypical) DON’T feel shame. They intentionally treat people like crap. That’s what your sister is doing. If it was the autism, then she would treat everyone else like that. But she’s not. She learned that your parents don’t care when she treats you like that, so she does that. It’s NOT the autism.
Make a list a head of time of the different times your sister has said something. Turn it so you aren’t just blasting them. Have it more, “when this _________ is said, I feel ____________(put down, belittled or however you feel). Good luck on the show and the talk to them.
Your parents are the enablers not you
Autism is not an excuse for being mean like that, your sister is using it as an excuse because she is choosing to select you as the recipient of her hate and spite, if she has the ability to tell who is who and acts differently/accordingly she is just being spiteful and toxic, (likely stemming from jealousy)
I would look forward to moving out and not looking back asap
There is a huge difference in having trouble with social skills and intentionally hurting another person. I don’t believe your sister insults you and puts you down because she’s autistic and your parents not listening and respecting you is not okay.
Be proud of your work and surround yourself with your friends and peers who can support you. Maybe even explain how your sister hurts you and what to expect from them if they come to the show. Congratulations on your art show, try to remember how hard you worked and that you deserve this 💜
Her autism is no excuse for her to be mean and belittling towards you. Shame on your parents for allowing it; it’s probably just easier for them to tell you to suck it up rather than actually deal with her.
NTA for not wanting someone who’s going to be mean to you at your show (congrats on the show!) but YTA for saying she’s mean *because* she’s autistic.
You’re entitled to choose who supports you at these events. You’ve explained the concerns you have, and your parents completely ignored the issue without even acknowledging the validity of your feelings.
All three of them can take a hike.
I’m sorry that happens to you too often.
Being autistic isn’t a free pass to being an abusive asshole.
My daughter’s autistic. She still gets sent to her room for a time-out when she’s being inappropriate.