As everyone else engaged in the shared experience of choosing and enjoying their meals, his stubborn refusal to adapt became a symbol of disregard, not just for the menu, but for her special day. In that moment, the celebration felt less like a gathering of loved ones and more like a test of patience and respect, where one person’s inflexibility threatened to unravel the warmth of family connection.
I (26f) recently had a birthday. Some family and I went out to dinner to celebrate. The guests were me, my husband, my parents, his parents, my two brothers and sister, and my husbands brother.
My brother in law is weird about eating out. He’ll only order a burger or fries and chicken nuggets in a food place, no matter how fancy, no matter how much choice there is. He goes so far as not even looking at menus in places and will ask for nuggets and fries by default and will be very difficult if a place doesn’t have those on the menu.
I know this but I won’t accommodate it when it comes to something I’m supposed to enjoy. When my husband and I were discussing the dinner I told him to let his brother know they didn’t do burgers or fries at this place.
Cool. He still says he’s showing up.
The dinner arrives. Everybody’s looking at the menu except him. He waits and waits and when we’re all ordering he asks the server for fries and nuggets. He explains they don’t have those and then my brother in law asks about a burger.
They don’t do those either. He asks could they make up some fries just for him and the server explains they can’t accommodate those. He starts sulking and my husband makes apologies and says they’ll get the final order to them asap.
Brother in law goes off about how shitty it was I didn’t think of him with dinner and we should have made sure there was something for him to eat. I pointed out he was told and he chose to come.
That it was not my job to accommodate for his pickiness when eating out and that his taste was not a priority during my birthday dinner.
Brother in law calls me a selfish asshole and walks off. My mother in law tries to excuse his outburst that he’s hungry while my father in law can’t stop apologizing. My husband confronted his brother after, his brother said he was still pissed at me, my husband said we were the ones pissed and he’d made a scene during my birthday dinner.
Their mom is saying I could have been more accommodating and it’s only fair to consider guests when inviting them out.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) experienced a conflict where her brother-in-law (BIL) demanded specific, limited food options at her birthday dinner, leading to an outburst when those options were unavailable. The central conflict is the OP’s desire to prioritize her own celebration by selecting a venue, versus the in-laws’ expectation that she should accommodate the BIL’s highly specific and restrictive eating habits, even at the cost of the birthday event’s atmosphere.
Was the OP justified in choosing a restaurant based on her preferences without ensuring a suitable fallback meal for her guest with known restrictions, or should she have prioritized accommodating the guest’s needs to avoid disrupting her own celebration? Where does the responsibility lie for managing dietary accommodations during a special occasion?
Here’s how people reacted:
Honestly that makes it a bit more iffy to me. My sister and I are the only ones in my family to eat sushi, and I would definitely be considered (by my family and by myself) an asshole if I wanted to have my birthday dinner at a sushi restaurant knowing that.
How about the rest of the people that went? They’re all good with Indian food?
Eh, I dunno. If he’s the only one that doesn’t eat Indian, I don’t think you need to cater to him for your birthday dinner.
But the fact that he’s picky really doesn’t even matter here, honestly. Some people just don’t like Indian food, nothing to do with being picky.
What you said, OP, about him knowing the restaurant and what it serves beforehand also applies to you, IMO. Why are you seemingly shocked that he didn’t eat and was upset when you invited him to an Indian restaurant, when you know he doesn’t eat Indian?
I guess I’ll leave this at INFO.
If he’s the only one that doesn’t eat Indian, then eh I guess N T A cause you shouldn’t have to cater to only one person and he’s obviously the asshole for being upset, calling you an asshole, storming off, etc.
I dunno. Even with one person not liking it, I do think it’s kinda rude to pick a restaurant that serves food that you know not everyone who you want there eats.
If there’s other people in this group that also don’t like Indian food, then E S H, him for the reasons above and you for picking a restaurant that multiple people in the party wouldn’t eat from.
It’s one thing to consider guests. It’s quite another to be expected to cater to everyone’s childish whims. If there’s some serious underlying issue in play here, then someone needs to clue you in on it. Otherwise, it’s silly to expect the entire group to default to chicken nuggets and fries like they’re 12 years old. It’s not even his family, it’s an event for you (his in-laws).
He knew what he was getting into. He wasn’t blindsided. If he is truly incapable of eating anything else and not making a scene, then he should have been adult enough to politely decline the invitation.
I think you phrased it just right.
Instead he was really childish about the whole thing and and threw a fit about it.
I get it, my son is the same way and your brother in law probably has the same eating disorder, but your in laws can’t keep making excuses for him. He needs food therapy or he’s likely not invited out anymore; it’s the same way with my son eating out somewhere is almost impossible because of his ARFID.
Your inlaws made excuses for him, but he knew ahead of time and still made a scene.
NTA
You did take his pickiness into account when you told him that burgers and nuggets aren’t available!? It wasn’t a surprise to him. You would be a slight A H if you didn’t tell him (only slight, as the Internet exists with menus available to check).
Seriously, your BIL needs therapy. I’ve seen this type of eating issue before, it’s usually related to a trauma of some kind in their youth and is often more than just food.
>Their mom is saying I could have been more accommodating and it’s only fair to consider guests when inviting them out.
You did accommodate him by informing him ahead of time that those items weren’t available on the menu. You didn’t have to do that because checking the menu should be something he does for himself knowing that he’s so picky. He still choose to come, knowing those items weren’t available. That’s on him.
At the very least he could have called the restaurant before hand and asked them if they could make something for him.
It sounds very much like your BIL needs to grow up. If I was in his position I’d have politely declined your invite for the obvious reasons.
ETA it was YOUR birthday aswell. And he made a scene. I would not be accommodating to someone like this regardless.
Is there some sort of mental health issue here? Mental disability, Autism (or spectrum disorders) or something?
Likely you’re N T A, since you brought the issue to the family, but trying to decide if there is an E S H here.
What kind of grown ass man ONLY eats chicken nuggets or burgers? Thats the diet of a child. It’s on him if he cant be bothered to eat like a freaking adult. He’s the problem here not you and hubby.