In the wake of loss, their marriage faced an uncharted battle. The husband’s return to a strict church meant surrendering the simple joys they once shared—wine, laughter, and the quiet rebellion of harmless indulgences. What was once a happy life together now trembled on the edge of sacrifice, as love struggled against the weight of faith and mourning.
I (28F) and my husband (29M) met in college and have been married for 6 years. My husband was raised in a strict evangelical household but broke away from those beliefs around the time we met.
We had what I thought was a very happy marriage until my husband’s father passed away in early 2021 (he received a cancer diagnosis and was gone a few weeks later). My husband was and is, very understandably, completely devastated – he had remained very close to his father, despite no longer following the religious beliefs of his childhood.
My husband decided to honor his father’s memory by rejoining his church. Unfortunately, it is one of those churches that forbids many things I find fun and relatively harmless and classifies them as “addictions” or “tools of Satan.” For example, before his father’s passing my husband and I enjoyed having a glass of wine or cocktail now and then (maybe a couple times a week) and also enjoyed weed or edibles (legally) once every month or two.
But after joining the church my husband decided he was an alcoholic and drug addict. He also decided that his occasional porn use (we enjoyed it together to spice things up now and then) was also an “addiction.” He is now insisting that I am also an addict because I don’t want to give all these things up.
I tried to meet him halfway – I don’t care about weed and am fine never using again, and agreed not to drink at home if my husband truly wanted to have a sober household, but said I would still want to have an occasional drink when out with friends.
I will admit I like (written) erotica, which he never thought was a problem until he became religious. He also threw away my vibrator saying it was an instrument of the Devil.
The latest is that my husband’s pastor told him video games (all games, not just M rated ones) are sinful and now my husband is insisting I have a video game addiction and need treatment.
Gaming is a main hobby for me, probably around 8-10 hours a week. It’s not an addiction in my view, just something I really enjoy! I work full-time, cook, clean, exercise, etc. I’m not neglecting anything else in my life (except respect for my husband’s new beliefs, I guess) by gaming.
My husband wants me to start going to church with him. He says he will go to couples counseling but only through his church, not to a secular counselor. I told him that I understand he is grieving and struggling and I want to be kind and supportive, and if it really helps we can keep alcohol and weed out of the house, but I am not going to become an evangelical (unlike him, I was raised with atheist parents) and am not going to restrict myself to activities he finds acceptable under his religious beliefs.
I also asked him to please stop labeling habits he doesn’t like as “addiction.” Of course he now thinks I am an AH for being mean to him while he is grieving. Most of our family members and friends also think I should do what he asks in the name of being supportive.
So, AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is facing significant strain in her marriage due to her husband’s sudden and extreme adoption of strict religious beliefs following his father’s death. Her core conflict lies in balancing support for his grief and religious path against protecting her established lifestyle, personal autonomy, and established boundaries regarding activities like moderate drinking, consensual adult entertainment, and gaming.
Should the OP continue to make personal concessions to accommodate her husband’s newly adopted, restrictive religious framework, even when it impacts activities she enjoys and views as harmless, or should she hold firm on personal freedom, prioritizing secular marriage counseling over religiously mandated support?
Here’s how people reacted:
Well then, *they* can join him in going to church and eliminating all the things his church says are sinful addictions. Ignore those people, it is really easy for them to say that to you when it doesn’t affect them in any way. In the mean time, you are already being very supportive and accommodating, and you are NTA for refusing to abide by your husband’s religious beliefs. You are not being “mean” to him while he is grieving, you have done a lot more than I would be willing to do if my husband suddenly took up with evangelicals, regardless of the reason. Grief is one thing, and being a controlling and domineering partner in the name of religion is something else entirely. That’s what he is doing, and you are right to set clear boundaries with him about what you are willing to do.
I agree that couples counseling is in order, but it **must not** be through his church. That’s an instant and automatic two-against-one situation. You need an impartial counselor, and that means a secular counselor.
Sadly, you probably need to consider that your marriage may be nearing its end, and prepare yourself for life without him. You didn’t mention any children; I hope that’s because there aren’t any.
>he now thinks I am an AH for being mean to him while he is grieving
Apparently he is confusing his ability to grieve with his attempts to control you and everything in your life. He doesn’t get a free pass to dictate everything you do because somebody close to him has died. It sounds like he is struggling and needs counseling, but I get the suspicion that any counseling services offered through the church will only make his views more extreme.
This is a rough time to have to put your foot down, but you need to put your foot down nonetheless. His rejoining the church is probably an attempt to reconcile with his own mortality, but that doesn’t mean you have to be victimized by it.
Expect a LOT of pressure to convert/join the church, as he is no doubt being told he should not be “unequally yoked” (married to a non-Christian).
The message I suspect he is hearing on an endless loop is that he is worthless and shameful, and that anything that gives pleasure is a sin. He was steeped in this throughout his childhood, and that message is hard to shake.
Good luck.
How long has this been going on? The question you need to ask yourself is if you are willing to wait for him to hopefully see you’re side? Is ever going to walk away again?
I’d recommend seeing a therapist yourself to help you sort out your boundaries. Good luck
Your husband has jumped over the cliff and is totally unreasonable. We are living in 2021 not the middle ages. He is treating Op in a very controlling manner.
You’ve already made far more concessions to him then I feel like you need to. I appreciate he is grieving but you shouldn’t have to change your entire life to be supportive.
It sounds like pretty much everything you do for any kind of recreation he’s having an issue with. It’s your personal time, he should have no control over what you do with it.
And I definitely wouldn’t do the church couples counseling.. I would not trust them to have a neutral, unbiased perspective.
You are being supportive, but that doesn’t mean you have to drink the koolaid. There is nothing wrong with any of the things you mentioned, as long as it’s in moderation, and from what you described you are not addicted to any of them.
He sounds like he might be being brought in to a cult and is pretty far deep in there. It’s a rough situation to deal with, and may not be necessarily his fault, but you need to protect yourself, get a lawyer, and prepare to GTFO.
Your husband is being unreasonable and unhealthy. He may practice whatever faith he wants; being married does not obligated you to do the same. If your husband doesn’t get back to himself then sadly I don’t know if your marriage will last. I am very sorry.