YTA (but you aren’t an asshole). Don’t do it. Its your sister’s place to do something, not yours. She seems to be on your side too. She would rather divorce the husband and have the daughter with her (which would solve the problem) than go through CPS investigation and potentially lose the kid.

You should be looking at getting them to do family therapy before CPS. And maybe individual DBT therapy for the daughter to teach some interpersonal skills that will help her. More people need to talk to the father about reducing strictness (allow an hour of phone use in evenings after work goals are met, dont ban her from seeing family on christmas day, allow some days off, allow paintings by late mother to be returned as that is ridiculous (wtf)).

Focus on persuading husband more. You could even ask him to post on this subreddit so he can get feedback from many people, thats often more persuasive than hearing from individual people who he thinks are too soft to listen to.

Calling CPS on them will cause the kinds of stress your sister is worried about and will impact the daughter too in negative (and positive) ways you cant yet foresee. Calling CPS will destroy relationships and cause huge rifts. It might even totally backfire and lead to husband distancing himself from listening to others while keeping the daughter. It is more likely to do more harm than good as this is not clear abuse and CPS wont do anything.

For that reason I am saying YTA if you follow through and do it, even if your intentions are good, the consequences are almost gauranteed to not accomplish anything productive while making things worse for everyone involved.

I think your sister needs a huge reality check. She’s more worried about her marriage than the well being of her children. When is enough going to be enough for her? If BIL is willing to do this to one child, can’t she see that he is fully capable of doing this to all the children? She knows her child needs therapy but goes along with her husband firing the therapists because they are acting in the best interests of their patient? She knows her child’s doctor recommends medication but goes along with not letting her have access to it?

Encourage your sister to seek her own therapist who can hopefully illustrate how much damage she is allowing to happen to her own daughter. Get her some books to read about recognizing signs of emotional abuse.

One quick Google and this gets brought up.
https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse

Situations like this are exactly why children will cut contact with their parents as soon as they are able to. She better get used to not having her daughter around for Christmas because that will be the new normal.

And seriously ask her what she thinks will happen if she doesn’t stand up for her daughter. Her husband is going to divorce her? So what. Why would you want to be married to someone who is willing to abuse their child? She is afraid he will get some custody of the younger children? She needs to fight tooth and nail to ensure their well-being. Get them (all the kids) into therapy to help them process their emotions and to understand the whys of what is happening. The damage has already been done. It’s now up to her to minimize the effects.

NTA – ***FULL DISCLOSURE: I am stubborn and not above nuclear options when I feel it’s warranted***

If I were Emma, I would just stop. Stop doing anything. What is he going to do about it? He’s already taken everything from her that he can. He can’t take away her basic necessities (food, water, clothing, shelter), or he would be squarely be in the abuse/neglect category and would be more actionable by CPS. The reason he’s so forceful is because it’s working, so he feels justified and empowered to do more to push her to perform. If she takes that from him, he has no power and no results to hide behind.

Another option is to anonymously call CPS for isolation abuse and have it documented. CPS will investigate and interview both your sister and BIL as well as the kids, at which point your sister and niece can voice their concerns openly to the case worker and see what the case worker can do to help. At the very least, maybe it will lay the groundwork in case BIL does go for a divorce. Your sister should talk to a lawyer before convincing herself to stay because she feels he would “definitely get 50/50 custody”. With your niblings being older, they would likely get a say in where they live and how often they visit, so 50/50 custody is not guaranteed.

I wish your family the best of luck in this. Please let us know how it turns out.

NTA

I feel so bad for her, but I’m not sure CPS will do anything. They are overloaded, and generally \*want\* to keep kid’s where they/with family as much as possible.

In some families, overly strict and ridiculous parenting is cruel, but legal, and not ‘severe’ enough to warrant intervention or removal.

All her parents are doing is making sure that Emma gets as far away from them as possible, and eliminates them from her life.

I don’t know if your BIL has any specific issues, but maybe you can talk to him about \*QUALITY\* of life. Existence is about more than simply grades, and her parents are robbing her of some very important and formative experiences. There’s also A LOT to be said about kids that are so severely restricted going completely overboard when they go to college/are finally out on their own.

If nothing else, maybe read him some excerpts from children stories, lots of cruel, overbearing parental figures to quote to him.

NTA. It’s wasting resources if you feel your niece should get to eat sugary cereal and watch cartoons. It’s not wasting resources if your niece is being controlled so much and deprived of social interactions. That is not a healthy environment for her, or for her siblings to witness (and think is acceptable behavior). If your family is religious, maybe ask for a session with BIL and a priest? Otherwise…CPS is a good options if you aren’t able to take your niece for the next 2.5 years. You could be all “I’m so strict because I’m ADHD, and I need help with my kids, having niece would be great!” But….I doubt that would be a viable option, if getting straight A’s is the only goal here. Ugh, I’m so sorry.

NTA. CPS may handle it or they may not. That said, it’s not a bad idea to document it if the situation continues to escalate. And if they would have handled it you will regret not turning it in. It will either get closed at intake or it won’t.

As your sister why the other two children are more important than the oldest. 2 years is still two years of mental anguish and prison like conditions.

If she won’t stand up to him she is guaranteeing that she won’t be a part of her daughters life once she’s able to get out. And there’s a reason certain kids go wild in college. They get so starved for what they were denied they go overboard. They are setting her up for failure.

Call CPS use the words emotional and mental abuse. Say that she can’t even talk to her grandparents and that she is locked in the house at all times. Tell them about the breakdown on the phone call. AIR. IT. OUT! Explain he is keeping medication from her. Explain that he is using the abuse to control his wife as well (cause that is whats happening) if CPS does nothing, call for a wellness check. Make sure to let it be known she has a place in your home.

Why would her husband *definitely* get 50/50 custody? Surely most judges would take the preferences of a 16 year old teen into account, especially if she was very emphatic that she was miserable with her dad and his awful treatment of her was literally the entire reason for the divorce.

I don’t think you’d be an ASSHOLE for calling cps, so NTA, I just doubt it would result in anything changing. Worst case, the family eliminates contact with you.

Ideally, you and other family members should try to talk some sense into BIL or at least convince m to consult with her doctor *and* family therapist.

But, according to your sister, that might not be possible and completely isolating a 16-year-old from the world is not being strict, it’s abusive.

Yeah, I would start by talking to the school and take it from there, this kid needs help.

NTA but explore all options before escalating.

NTA for thinking that urgent intervention is needed…but yeah, unfortunately, I suspect CPS isn’t going to be able to do anything, especially if your sister and the rest of the family are prepared to cover for her husband. Your focus likely needs to be on what you can do to make sure Emma can maintain contact with the outside world and that she knows she has somewhere to go if need be.

NTA- but I doubt they’ll do anything. Being she’s over 13, she should have the say on whether or not to go with her father in case of divorce, though. Also, 50% freedom is better than none, and the Mom and Dad are going in the right direction for a no contact adult daughter. If the Mom doesn’t put her foot down, and NOW, this is her future. SHE needs to make the choice.

NTA, yet I doubt anything would come from it.

It seems like your BIL took your advice the last time. Maybe you could influence the situation again. Maybe even get him to let her take meds. Especially wgen you can convince him that you were able to easily lay off the meds once pregnant. (Doesnt matter if its true, as long as your BIL belives it)

NTA. This does feel abusive to me, but I’m unsure CPS can or will do anything. Can Emma talk to a therapist or a guidance counselor? It may take third party non family intervention by a “specialist” for your BIL to see what he’s doing here as actually harmful.

NTA

Your BIL doesn’t understand anything at all about ADHD. This dude is transparently abusive. What he’s subjecting your niece to is barely a life.

Edit: Removed all references to addiction. Sorry for unintentionally spreading disinformation.

NTA – but don’t be surprised if CPS doesn’t do much. Yeah, this is hyper strict but I don’t know if you can call it abusive.

I think you can expect that your niece will flee the house the first moment she gets when she turns 18.

YTA.

>my dad says “it’s not against the law to be strict” and my husband says I would be wasting resources calling them since it’s “not serious enough” for the courts to get involved

They’re right.

YWBTA. You don’t tell other people how to raise their kids. It’s a rule. If it’s abuse you sure can contact someone but a 16 year old crying because they can’t do anything they want is not abuse.

>isn’t worth the kids being in a broken home

Sounds like that home is already cracked at least.

Your sister needs to sort that shit out with her husband.

INFO: Why do you think he would get 50/50 custody. Normally courts take into account the minor’s wishes when they are that old.