The daughter’s silent tears and refusal to visit her grandparents reveal the emotional toll of this fractured family dynamic. While no one is cruel, the rigid expectations and cold judgments create a chasm of misunderstanding and pain, forcing the father to navigate a delicate path where love, respect, and loyalty constantly pull him in opposing directions.
My daughter is 13. I am married to my wife who has very feminist values. I also have my parents who are very traditional. My parents are extremely strict and can come off as cold but deep down they are loving, they don’t show it as much.
They are the authoritarian type, just like when I was growing up but I learned to respect my parents even if I was unhappy with them, and I’m a stronger person for it.
I know my parents don’t like my wife and they make it very clear. If she had her way she would cut them off from us and I know how unhappy they make her but they are my parents and I would never abandon them.
My daughter has made it clear from the time she was little that she hates my parents. She would cry and refuse to get in the car to go see them so I would have them over. They aren’t cruel but they will put their foot down when my daughter acts up.
They don’t let her speak unless she is spoken to first. They often judge what my daughter wears and does.
I usually have had them over when my wife is at work so she won’t speak up about them like she has in the past. I know my daughter doesn’t like it but I want her to at least be able to see her grandparents and I hope she will be glad she did.
Yesterday my daughter revealed to my wife that for the past few years I have been having my parents over a few times a month. My wife originally thought I was having them over only once a month and wasn’t making our daughter have anything to do with them.
My wife is pissed that I have been lying to her which I understand. But now she is saying to completely cut contact with my parents and never bring them around again. Despite their flaws, I deeply respect and love my parents.
My daughter chimed in, sobbing and saying that I should put my parents in a nursing home and leave them to die and when they die she will stomp and dance on their grave.
I’m at a crossroad right now. My wife and daughter are sobbing and pissed at me and want me to abandon my parents, the people who gave me life and shaped me into the man I am today.
AITA reddit?
EDIT 1 – Wow. The comments and DMs have really gotten to me. I love my daughter and my wife more than anything and I know I have made some big mistakes. One of which was lying to my wife and not defending her or my daughter.
Which going forward I will set boundaries with my parents. I don’t plan on cutting them off but nobody will be made to see them. I owe huge apologies to my wife and daughter. It’s late here but when they wake up I will talk to them
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is torn between honoring his traditional, authoritarian parents, whom he credits for his strength, and protecting his wife and 13-year-old daughter from their cold and judgmental behavior. The central conflict escalated when the OP was caught lying about the frequency and nature of the visits, leading his wife to demand a complete cutoff of contact, which the OP strongly resists out of filial duty.
Given the extreme emotional reaction from his daughter, the wife’s demand for separation, and the OP’s own commitment to his parents, where should the boundary lie: Is the OP obligated to completely sever contact to preserve his immediate family’s peace, or is there a viable path to maintaining a structured, boundary-heavy relationship with his parents without forcing his wife and daughter to participate?
Here’s how people reacted:
*You have shown your wife that she cannot trust you to co-parent with her.* You demonstrated that you DO NOT CARE if she says no, you will simply go around her and lie about it. You do not respect her as your wife or as the mother of your child.
*You have shown your daughter that you do not care about her boundaries and feelings.* Her opinion simply does not matter. When she tried to assert agency by refusing to get in the car to visit your parents, you brought them to her home, where she should always be safe, instead.
In the comments you say you are torn on who to be loyal to. Dude. What the heck. YOU MADE A COMMITMENT WHEN YOU HAD A CHILD. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR HER EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING. Her needs must /always, without exceptions/, come before your parents’ wants. And this IS a need. For a 13 year old developing into who she is going to be as a person, being treated as a human being whose feelings matter is so important. Your parents are not treating her like a human. By forcing her to interact with them and LYING TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT IT you are damaging her development, not to mention your own future relationship with her.
You also mention something along the lines of you want them to see how amazing your parents can be. Dude. That was on your parents to show them, and they clearly haven’t. There isn’t enough here about your wife’s relationship with them to comment on, but they have emotionally abused your daughter. How in the world was that supposed to make her see them as amazing?
Like, you posted on AITA but don’t seem willing to reflect on why you might, in fact, be TA. You are an adult. When you start a family you commit to putting them first.
1. You have a good relationship with your parents which is cool, but trying to force them on your wife and daughter is not ok. Your daughter is 13, old enough to know that she does not want to associate with these people.
2. Your wife is a bit out of line and y’all need to have a serious conversation. I understand that you don’t want to just cut your parents off but she needs to understand that too and respect it.
3. Your daughter… where to start. To reaffirm, she’s old enough to make the decision that she doesn’t want to spend time with them, so stop trying to force it. That being said, if you’re being truthful about the dancing on their graves bit, you might wanna get that child into some therapy. Coming from someone who also had dark thoughts at that age, you can’t allow that to go unpunished or unchecked.
“My daughter has made it clear from the time she was little that she hates my parents. She would cry and refuse to get in the car to go see them so I would have them over.
They aren’t cruel but they will put their foot down when my daughter acts up. They don’t let her speak unless she is spoken to first. They often judge what my daughter wears and does.”
I sincerely hope this post is an exercise in creative writing. If not, you maybe in the running for asshole of the year. I won’t even comment on the lying to your wife part. You are actively participating in a cycle of abuse, wow, your poor daughter.
Lying to your wife about the visits was so so wrong. Yeah that’s an extreme reaction and your wife is asking too much of you by asking you to cut them off but you should proceed by visiting them personally and alone. Their old fashioned views are not a long term gift to your daughter. It’s utterly ridiculous to say she cannot speak until spoken to and to go off and judge a thirteen year old girl. They are not healthy for your daughter. Deal with it. Love them if you want to but don’t try to make it seem like they are better than they are. And quit lying to your wife.
1. For years, you actively did something that you knew your wife would not approve of behind her back, presumably because, as a woman, she’s also had issues with them
2. It is abundantly clear that you, in no uncertain terms, only have a relationship with your parents because you are a man. I’m 100% serious in my belief that if you were a woman you would not have a relationship with your parents
YTA for allowing your parents to treat your daughter like a second class citizen
Your parents put their foot down IN YOUR HOME?
“They aren’t cruel but…” seriously?
You lack respect for your wife but the respect, loyalty and empathy you lack for your daughter is far worse. YOU ARE A FATHER. Sorry but you are weak, snaky and alround someone your daughter probably rightfully feels a bit ashamed about.
What values do you have? It’s not honesty, nor transparency, not itengrety. This is not even just about feminsm. YOU messed up here.
YTA
also
>They aren’t cruel
> They don’t let her speak unless she is spoken to first. They often judge what my daughter wears and does.
Your parents are cruel motherfuckers. I would dance on their graves too if I was your daughter.
Yeah. YTA. Pick who you want to be loyal to; your family or your parents. You can’t have both and your family is going to leave you if you keep trying.
“I’ll never abandon my mommy even if she abuses my wife and daughter” is not just massively co-dependent. You’ve failed your bare minimum requirements as a husband and father, and you’ve become an abuser yourself.
The fact your daughter can’t speak unless spoken to and that you ignore the obvious pain she is in is absolutely horrible and I guarantee it will ruin your relationship with her as he gets older. You’re just showing her you don’t care about her feelings at all.
It’s her home.
It’s your wife’s home.
You have lied, made their house an unsafe for them.
YTA.
Real question, would you allow a man to treat your daughter that way?
YTA. You’ve let your child be treated horribly and you lied to your wife.