Family Quarrel Brews As Man Decides To Waste Money On A Bathroom Rather Than Help His Wealthy Brother Who Spends Lavishly

As the tenth anniversary approaches, a father dreams of turning his humble home into a sanctuary, a place where his growing family can find comfort and warmth despite the limitations of a single bathroom. With every penny saved, he plans a haven—a two-person tub with jets, heated floors, and a heat lamp—to celebrate love and years of togetherness.

Yet, amidst this hope and quiet determination, a shadow looms: his brother’s financial recklessness and their mother’s constant comparisons threaten to cast doubt and tension over what should be a joyful milestone. In the heart of this family’s story is a struggle between aspiration and reality, love and judgment, simplicity and extravagance.

Family Quarrel Brews As Man Decides To Waste Money On A Bathroom Rather Than Help His Wealthy Brother Who Spends Lavishly

My tenth anniversary is coming up and my kids are getting old enough to be a pain in the butt regarding our single bathroom.

I have been saving up and for my tenth anniversary I am getting a bathroom installed in the basement. I am going all out. Well, as all out as I can afford.

I am getting a two person tub with jets, in floor heating and a heat lamp so my wife can dry off and stay warm.

Anyways the issue is that my brother is having money problems. He called me and asked if I could spare any money to help him out.

He has a tendency to live beyond his means. We have similar jobs and salaries but he has a huge house with three and a half bathrooms. He drives a $150,000 truck that he will never use to tow, haul, or go offroad with.

His wife’s engagement ring cost as much as my motorcycle.

My family lives in a bungalow my wife and I bought. It was built in 1956 and it is cozy for us and two kids.

But my mom constantly compare our lifestyles. She loves showing people pictures of his Christmas decorations and stuff. And she shares his vacation pictures. That sort of thing.

The bathroom budget is $25,000 but it will probably go higher when the contractor starts working.

My mom is backing him up. She says that I don’t spend any money so I should have some saved to help out family. She is saying he might have to sell his truck or downsize his home. I told her that’s not really my problem.

He makes a little more than I do a year so he should have savings too. She said that he needs to have a big house so he can entertain since he wants to kiss ass all the way up the ladder.

That might just be my interpretation.

I don’t want to lend him money and watch him waste it and be disappoint my wife. She deserves a bathroom where she can take long baths without the kids, or me interrupting to use the toilet.

I could cut corners and lend him some money but I really don’t want to do that. Even if it means he has to sell his stuff.

Here’s how people reacted:

Middle_Ladder_9970

NTA in my opinion. For one, being a college broke student who parties a bit too much, I still handle my shit and don’t go further than I can logicistally afford. Buuut I do have a friend who can’t make those decisions; her mental health a lot better but she still struggles with being left out or hurt at not being included. But it got to the extent with her that I had to make the hard decision to cut her off from stuff; t wasn’t fun and luckily she was understanding of my decision but still. Being an adult, you can’t avoid ur issues forever or push them onto others. You’ll destroy yourself otherwise.

I think you made the right decision. You’ve been supportive but should stick to the boundary of you won’t always bail them out bc they can’t be responsible. I get addictions and all that clouding judgement (I’ve been there) but you have to make that decision for urself at some point and not place all the blame and accountability on others.

I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It sucks; ur stuck between a rock and a hard place. Like I mentioned above with a friend: I placed the boundary to stop covering drugs too later on so it affects both of us now. Focus and stick to what is best for u and ur fam. I wish u all the best~

Single-Initial2567

My (now ex) partner was making the most money out of 6 adult siblings. She was shamed repeatedly for it. It was something like she was acting too big. But her siblings would constantly”borrow” money. They all had some issues with spending too much. They never once paid her back and I watched her cry over that all of the time. If she said no, her mom would call and shame her until she broke down and did it. Mom was also doing fine financially but asked us for money several times per month because she “*needed*” that new dress or shoes. She had 10 times my wardrobe.

I finally let my partner blame me so she could say no sometimes. And if we gave them money, it was not a loan because then my partner wouldn’t have to get hurt by them never paying her back.

Spend your money on the things you want with the money you earned, OP.

Individual-Body9953

NTA. I’m all about helping family, but the help starts by your brother helping himself.

Say you gave the money to him. Where’s it going? Why? How long till it’s paid back, if ever?

This isn’t a case of your brother losing his job unexpectedly or a case of the significant other losing job or worse. It’s a case of him not knowing how to manage money.

If I were you, the help id offer is some money management classes and suggest he sells the unnecessary truck/house.

As much as I hate the term, I think this is a perfect case to fit into the category of “live within your means”.

IstoriaD

NTA — I’m a big believer in people having to suffer the consequences of their own actions. Now, if your brother had a true unforeseen financial issue, like a huge medical expense or job loss, I could see a situation where it would be the “right” thing to do to help him out. But clearly, this is a constant reoccurring result of bad money management, so how exactly is he supposed to learn if people keep bailing him out?

Brennan_Boru1031

NTA He can and should sell his truck before taking away your savings and interfering with your bathroom plan. You mother is being an AH to interfere. Why doesn’t she help him out if she thinks that way? You owe him nothing, let him figure this out himself and enjoy your home remodel. Almost nothing is as satisfying as after the remodel is done. (During, not so much…)

Comprehensive-Win677

NTA for all the reasons other people have already pointed out.

You are not wasting your money. You are improving your assets and providing something tangible for your wife and children.

He has options. He just doesn’t want to use them. Let mom help him out.

And PLEASE read up on grey rocking. Your family knows way too much about your finances.

No-Priority6243

Do the brotherly thing: help bro set up a budget, sell his truck, downsize his home, and purchase an economical used vehicle, but don’t give him one cent. He is a spend thrift and mommy thinks you should enable him in his financial adventures. He will drag you down with him. Bro and mommy are the ones who are in danger of assholism.

weepscreed

Wait, your brother makes more than you and he thinks you should give HIM money? So he can continue to live in a McMansion and tool around in some ridiculous behemoth truck that he doesn’t need? That’s bullshit. He should sell his truck, buy a used Toyota, and give YOU money so you can take a shit in peace. NTA

[deleted]

NTA – his money/spending issues are not yours to fix. Fine that he asked, but he has to *gracefully* accept “no” as an answer. He’s not and he’s getting your mom involved, which is even worse.

Why should you and your family make sacrifices because your brother can’t manage his own money?

Intelligent-Ad-7527

NTA!!!! Your golden child brother and your mom however are entitled AHats. Like in what world is it their right to claim your money. Sell the giant wasteful truck to someone who can afford the gas! Like the audacity of them! Build that bathroom for your family!

Comprehensive-War743

NTA- you can do whatever you want with your money. You earned it and saved it to use however you want to.
I think there’s a good chance you won’t see a cent of it returned if you lend it to your brother.
Let your Mom bail him out if she wants to.

astarisaslave

NTA, I wouldn’t waste my hard earned money on someone who lived beyond their means either because it means they brought the money problems on themselves. And I don’t mean to be rude OP but clearly your brother got his taste from your mom.

Wise_Equal_8892

NTA, just tell your mother that when your brother downsized then he, too, can save money but if she still thinks he deserves help then she can take out a loan or another mortgage. Stand by your wife and happy anniverary!

AgeLower1081

NTA. Spend the money you budgeted on the second bathroom. If you fall into financial difficulties, your brother is in no position to help you. If he needs money, either a bank or mom should help him out.

canbritam

There’s a saying if “failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.” So basically “failure to live within your means is not my problem.” And just repeat ad nauseam.

FluffyAssistant7107

NTA Your brother’s money issue is his issue not yours.. You don’t owe him anything.. Plus he probably can’t afford to be able to pay you back

Snoo63030

NTA, don’t lend him anything, your brother needs to learn.You build that wonderful bathroom for your wife & children who are your priority

Human-Engineer1359

Get your bathroom. He’ll just have to sell his 150,000 truck and learn to live within his means. NTA.

Conclusion

The original poster (OP) is facing significant conflict between fulfilling a long-term financial goal for their marriage—a luxury basement bathroom—and a request for a substantial loan from their financially irresponsible brother, strongly supported by their mother. The OP values the investment in their relationship and personal savings over bailing out a sibling whose lifestyle choices created his current difficulties, leading to strained family dynamics.

Is the OP justified in prioritizing their planned significant anniversary investment and personal financial security over lending money to a sibling whose spending habits are unsustainable, even when pressured by a parent who believes family financial support should supersede personal saving goals?