Yet beneath the surface of celebration, tension brews as choices about weddings and finances reveal deeper wounds and unspoken grievances. Loyalty, approval, and the desire for harmony clash, exposing the fragile balance between love and judgment within this family’s story.
My son is getting married to a wonderful woman. We loved her since the first day we met her. She was very nice and polite and very good with my granddaughter. My granddaughter is 15 and she never got along with my son’s partners so it’s nice to see the amazing relationship between her and her future stepmom.
We were all talking and wedding came up. We asked them what they are planning to do and they told us they can’t afford their dream wedding and their dream honeymoon so they are trying to decide which one to choose.
I offered that they could do both and I’ll pay half the price.
My other son asked me why I’m paying for their wedding when I didn’t pay for his. I told him that I didn’t like his wife and he knows it. She has been very cold towards us since the first day we met and she hardly ever speaks to us.
I can’t be expected to pay for a wedding I don’t approve of. He said I’m showing favoritism. I told him I’m not, I didn’t pay for his brother’s first wedding either so in order not to show favoritiam I’m willing to pay for his next wedding.
He blew up at me and called me an asshole and left.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels justified in offering significant financial support for one son’s wedding because they approve of his fiancée and value the positive relationship she has with the granddaughter. This action created a direct conflict with the other son, who interpreted the offer as clear favoritism, leading to a severe emotional outburst and confrontation.
Does the OP’s decision to base financial gifts on personal approval of a spouse outweigh the fundamental expectation of equal treatment between adult children, especially when such favoritism causes deep family division?
Here’s how people reacted:
I overlooked quite an important fact. A’s paid wedding was his second wedding. He had a first wedding with someone else before. B had only one wedding, and is still with his wife now, and like one of the responses to my comment said, his wife from 18 years (this will be important later). There’s no favoritism, not between A and B at least.
B has no reason at all, thus, to tell that OP shows favoritism to A over himself, because this is simply not true!
Even my point that he said that “he will pay for his next wedding” being disrespectful is not really the truth. It may be like the other Y T A comments said: “He said that because he wanted B to divorce from his current wife”. But it could also be misinterpreted, and just be: “if there’s an another wedding, I’ll pay for it, like I’ve done for A”
Another thing to mention: B has been with his wife from 18 years! In 18 years, things can change drastically (for example, the family’s financial outcome). Since the first day, B’s wife was cold and quite harsh, and that’s why OP don’t like her.
So, to resume everything I’ve now said, the reasons why OP didn’t pay for B’s wedding at that time are the following:
1/ OP don’t like B’s wife, because she’s cold and harsh, thus he doesn’t approve their relationship (I will come into it later)
2/ It was B’s first wedding, it would be unfair for him to pay B’s first (and maybe only) wedding when A’s first wedding wasn’t paid.
3/ It’s been 18 years since B’s wedding. 18 years! Like I said, things change in that many time! Maybe, in that time, they didn’t have enough money to help financially for the wedding!
The only point OP was the AH in that situation (he’s still a big AH though in that case) is that he doesn’t approve a 18+ years relationship, and the wedding, because he doesn’t like B’s wife. How not liking someone in the relationship can make you disapprove a marriage that long? B and his wife are together since maybe I was born (I am 22), and you still didn’t approve that? Did you gave him at least a shred of support? It’s more than just money here, in fact, it’s respect for your son!
I’m still on the YTA side, but for a whole different reason now. B is still a bit of an AH for the favoritism part, at least about the financial part, but nothing as major as OP. So, my verdict stays YTA, not E S H.
No one is entitled to a gift, and demanding one does not look good for your other son. That said, you are showing extremely blatant favoritism towards one son/daughter in law over the others, which is going to destroy your relationship with those you deem lesser. That makes you the AH here – you don’t get to pretend to be surprised when you treat someone like that and they have a bad reaction.
You said this to your son? That’s AH.
Look, you’re allowed to use your money as you see fit. Your children aren’t entitled to your money. However, if you show favoritism, you are going to ruin your relationship with the not favorite child/ren.
YTA because of what you said
YTA. And frankly, I can’t help but think your current DIL might be entirely justified in keeping you at arm’s length
I would have voted n-t-a if you only said “it was different time. If you want, I’ll pay for the next one too”. But insulting his wife was too far for my taste.
Grace and diplomacy is not for every situation. This one should have been. YTA
*OP:* I gave a lot of money to one son for a wedding, but not the other, because I like other son’s wife more. I don’t think that means I’m playing favorites.
*AITA commenters*: What? That is the **definition** of “playing favorites”. YTA!
*OP*: \[shocked Pikachu face\]
This isn’t about your sons’ wives, it’s about your sons, if you’re prepared to treat them this differently over this I’d bet money it’s not the first time you’ve shown favoritism.
Oh damn. That hurt me and I’m not your son, lol.
YTA for saying that, but the petty in me respects that shade, lol.
YTA. For the blatant favoritism AND for telling your son that you think there might be a divorce. That‘s really insensitive and mean.
Your comments were nasty and mean spirited though. If that’s the way you behave and speak to people, I’m not surprised your other daughter in law is cold towards you.
Lol. NTA. You are not obligated to pay for stuff you don’t like.
NTA: Is it favoritism? Yup, between the wives, not the sons. It’s your money and you can choose how you spend it.
Not because you’re paying for the wedding, but for treating your other son like that. No wonder your dil doesn’t like you.