The daughter frequently reports that her stepmother is overly strict, forcing her to handle most of the household chores and childcare duties, sometimes resulting in missing school. The situation escalated when the daughter was yelled at for forgetting the dishes while studying, and when she tried to explain, her father joined in the yelling. The final incident occurred when the stepmother slapped the daughter, leading the user to confront the stepmother, which resulted in the user also slapping the stepmother.
So, for some context, me (32 F) and my ex (32 M) had our daughter (16 F) back when we were in highschool. We broke up after graduation, but remained friendly for our daughters sake.
Me and my ex are both married and have kids with our new partners. I have one 9 yr old daughter with my husband and my ex has three young ones under the age of 6 with his wife. My daughter alternates between our houses each week, switching each Friday.
Everytime I get her back, she complains about how her stepmom is really strict and rude. She has my daughter always cleaning most of the house and watching her younger siblings all the time.
There was even one instance where she stayed home from school to watch her younger brother who had a stomach ache.
My ex’s wife has never liked me by the way, since she always thought it was weird that me and my ex are friends (even though we’re only friendly for our daughters sake). So sometimes I feel like she’s hard on my daughter out of spite for me.
I never got too upset about it though. I know having three young ones can’t be easy and that she just needs my daughters help around the house a bit. But she takes it too far. She always saying that me and my ex were too soft on our daughter growing up so now she’s disrespected and spoiled.
Which by the way, isn’t true. I may not have beat my kids with belts, but I still disciplined them and they both had their fair share of spankings. They both have grown up to be respectful young ladies and I’ve never gotten a complaint from their teachers.
Anyway, my daughter’s stepmom gets super upset if my daughter forgets to do just one chore. (Which she does so much already. She cleans the bathroom, washes the dishes, does laundry, mows the yard, takes out the garbage, etc.) On top of all that she still has school work to get done.
Well, Thursday (Dec 12), my daughter got yelled at by her stepmom for forgetting to do the dishes that night, even though she only forgot to because she was studying for an upcoming test.
When my daughter tries to explain herself, my ex jumped in and got mad at her for talking back. They were both yelling at her and when she tried to speak up for herself when her stepmom slapped her for being disrespectful.
Well, yesterday, my daughter drove to my home from school to spend her week with me. She told me about what happened and she was really upset about it. I, was pissed. First of all, I wouldn’t even let my husband slap her, so to know her stepmom did had me furious.
She can do whatever she wants to her children, but she has no right to put her grown hands on MY child.
So I drove over to their house to confront her stepmom about it. Stepmom got really defensive and ended up getting in my face talking about how I should’ve raised her better. My ex took her side of course since that’s his wife.
Me and her said some things back and forth and after physically trying to push me out of her house, I ended up slapping her and asking her something along the lines of, “How does it feel when you get slapped?
You don’t like it do you?!”
I’m not proud that I acted like this and I even called my ex today and apologized for making a scene in his home. I even told him I’d be willing to apologize to her, but he told me that she was adamant on the fact that she was right and she would not be apologizing to our daughter.
She’s the type so say, “I don’t need to explain myself to a child” so I guess that also means she doesn’t feel the need to apologize when she’s wrong too.
I still feel like I should apologize, but I’m not sure if I want to if she won’t admit she was wrong. I’m not sure what I should do. I want to remain friendly with my ex but I’m not sure I can stand her treatment towards my daughter anymore.
So Reddit, AITA…?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is currently conflicted, feeling regretful for escalating the confrontation by slapping her ex’s wife, yet remaining furious about the physical discipline inflicted upon her daughter. While the OP has apologized to her ex for the scene, the stepmother refuses to apologize to the daughter, creating a stalemate where the OP feels obligated to apologize further but unwilling to do so if the stepmother does not acknowledge her own wrongdoing.
The central dilemma is how to balance maintaining a civil relationship with the ex-partner against the need to protect the daughter from perceived mistreatment by the stepmother. Should the OP proceed with an apology to the stepmother despite the lack of reciprocation, or should she prioritize standing firm on the principle that physical discipline by a non-parent is unacceptable, even if it damages the co-parenting relationship?
Here’s how people reacted:
And don’t let the police tell you this is a civil issue, that you just need to file with the family law court. Make it clear that you do not believe that your daughter’s status as a child diminishes her right not to be assaulted. Pro-actively contact child social services if the police do not contact them for you.
Your daughter is of an age where she should be able to choose where she lives. Get sole custody and request that the abusive stepmother not be present when she has to stay with her father. While the custody case is pending, get a restraining order forbidding the stepmother or her father from touching your child.
Do better and protect your daughter from these toxic people.
I understand you want to stay friendly with your ex, but what does your daughter want? If you were to go back to court and the judge said she is 16a she can pick where she goes and when, what would she choose?
I have to say, you are a better woman than I- nobody lays a hand on my kids! There would be hell to pay if that was my child.
NTA
She’s out here playing dictator with *your* kid, slapping her around like she’s auditioning for a bad soap opera. Nah, you don’t get to disrespect someone else’s child and then play the victim when mama bear shows up.
Your ex is spineless for siding with his wife, and her “I don’t owe a child anything” attitude screams insecurity. If she won’t apologize, she’s not owed yours. Protect your daughter and set boundaries, because someone has to.
What you have now done if given them ammunition to fire back that you’re violent and unfit to have her. Way to go.
Your daughter is 16. A judge should listen to her if she no longer wants to visit their house…but you have seriously weakened your position in protecting your daughter from them now. You’re a major dick.
Wow, what a mess.
First of all, I can’t believe your ex just stood there while his wife slapped your daughter. And then had the nerve to take her side. Seriously, what is wrong with some people?
Secondly, I don’t think you need to apologize to your ex’s wife. She physically put her hands on your child. Period. That’s unacceptable, regardless of the circumstances. And no, “I don’t need to explain myself to a child” is not a valid excuse.
You have every right to be upset and protect your daughter.
And your ex should lose costudy for letting your daughter be used as a slae and be physicaly and emotionaly abused by his wife…
Pleaseee dont send your daughter there anymore, God only knows what they will do to her next
If some b\*tch puts her hands on my child, I will not apologise for anything I will do in return.
All that aside, your daughter shouldn’t go to her Dad’s anymore. She physically isn’t safe there, not even to speak of the fact that she is used as a free maid and babysitter.
NTA. I would have had her arrested on an assault and battery charge for that.
You should have put a hard stop to it long before she got slapped.
She should not be doing so much especially as she’s in school and shame on her father for not standing up for her.
One slap from his wife is one too many. NTA.
Secondly, if your daughter is 16, she should be old enough to choose where she wants to live.
There’s no reason to apologize. Let it go.
GET FULL CUSTODY.
YTA