The daughter has saved $30,000, and the parents have already contributed $15,000. She is still short about $35,000 for desired elements like the villa rental and catering, and she has asked her parents to take out a personal loan to cover this remaining amount, promising repayment over several years. The user is hesitant due to personal financial goals, leading to doubt about whether refusing this request makes them unreasonable.
My daughter is 26 and getting married next year. She’s been planning this elaborate destination wedding in Italy that would cost around 80k total. She’s been saving for years and has about 30k put away, plus we’ve contributed another 15k from what we had set aside for wedding expenses.
The problem is she’s still short about 35k for everything she wants – the villa rental, catering for 100 guests, photographer, her dress, flowers and so on. She came to us last week asking if we could take out a personal loan to cover the difference.
She says she and her fianc will pay us back over the next few years.
My husband thinks we should help her out since “it’s her special day” and she’s always dreamed of this kind of wedding. He’s pushing me to agree to the loan, saying we have good credit and can get decent rates.
But I’m absolutely against taking on debt for a wedding. We’re in our 50s, still paying our own mortgage, and I want to focus on our retirement savings. I told her she needs to either scale back her plans to fit her budget or find another way to fund it.
Maybe a smaller wedding now and a big celebration later when she can afford it.
Am I really the asshole for refusing to go into debt for my daughter’s expensive wedding dreams?
Conclusion
The user is emotionally conflicted, standing firm on their financial boundaries regarding taking on debt for a non-essential expense like an elaborate wedding, while their spouse supports helping the daughter realize her dream day.
Is the user acting unreasonably by prioritizing their retirement savings and current mortgage obligations over co-signing a loan for their daughter’s desired $80,000 wedding budget, or is refusing to incur debt the responsible decision?
Here’s how people reacted:
Elaborate dream weddings with high dollar costs is unrealistic, often selfish, entitled, or spoiled. Daughter saved $30k, her parents kicked in $15. Unless her fiancé or his family can contribute more, she needs to use $45k and quit expecting her parents to give her a loan. Too many champagne dreams on a lesser budget becomes the primary focus and overpowers a wedding for an extravaganza event.
Off site expensive bachelorette parties, off site wedding venuesâŠthink about the poor wedding party members, what are their excessive expense to appease her dreams. What about how much guests have to pay for travel, accommodations, etc. There are many gorgeous venues, sites in the USA that would fit her budget and be more considerate to all others involved.
Social media influences arenât about the life long commitment between two loving people, itâs about how big a splash the bride can make to impress.
“…will pay us back *over the next few years.*”?
They need to start acting financially responsible NOW, and wed within their means. You could still be paying off the wedding long after the ink has dried on their divorce papers. (Likely, because they will soon enough be fighting about how each other are blowing their money.)
It is an absolute no, and if your husband does not get solidly next to you on this (not behind you, NEXT to you), he is an AH.
I also get that the brides parents should be paying for the wedding, so matching her $30k wouldâve been appropriate in my eyes. Especially since sheâs 26 and was even able to save $30k for her own wedding is amazing within itself. You as parents in their 50âs also knew at some point your child was wanting to get married, so preparing for that shouldâve been just as essential for you as it was to her. For the remaining $20k since you canât afford or rather donât want to be in debt (totally understandable), then thatâs when we ask the grooms parents to cover the difference.
This is a chance for her to practice budgeting for what she can afford.
If her plan is to get someone else to take on this debt or even, if she’s sincere, taking on that much debt at the start of her marriage, the whole thing is very likely to go up in some very expensive flames.
If she cannot afford what she wants, she needs to reset her mind to want what she can afford.
Seriously, did she pick out a husband that will go with her decorations? Or is she sincere about wanting to share a life with a partner and celebrate it with family and friends? Not only are you NTA, but the prospective husband should take a look at the situation and start making escape plans – unless he’s just as shallow and vain, in which case they’re perfect for each other’s first spouses.
NTA NTA NTA NTA. You and your husband are great parents, you’ve done more than enough. Taking care of yourselves is the biggest gift (and relief) you can give to your kids. Even if they’re weird/spoiled/make no sense/have no GD idea how LUCKY they are! Some of us are out here bawling our eyes out at the thought that we won’t see or hear from our folks ever again even for one second. Let alone crying for an extra 35K loan!
NTA. She’s ridiculous and needs ro step back and rethink if she wants a marriage or a wedding. Most folks can’t afford both.
If this is something that someone can afford without going into debt, then go for it. But if you end up taking out loans, needing gifts, and obliterating savings for it – priorities are a bit (a lot) out of whack.
No you are absolutely 100% definitely NTA
Your husband seems to be quite the pushover though.
Most couples regret spending a ton of money on their big day once itâs over. I would suggest scaling it back big time!
To me itâs outrageous that this young lady has the nerve to expect you to take a loan out for her wedding⊠no way in h*** I would expect that from my parents. They need to stick to the budget they have or figure out this great deficit on their own.
Totally too much!
She is concentrating on the wedding and not the marriage.
If they split up in a few years they are not going to want to pay for a wedding that ended in divorce. And you and your husband will be left holding the loan for her âDream Weddingâ.
Donât sacrifice your future for her dreams.
Good luck
My sister had a destination wedding.
She only invited our immediate family and her husband’s immediate family. No other guests. Any body else that wanted to be part of it got a zoom link.
That’s how you make something like that work without taking out a loan. Finances come first.
a friend of mine was still paying off bills from her first marriage when she got married the second time.
NTA, she can take out her own loan.
Time to grow upâŠ