My boyfriend wants me to become a housewife when we get married yet I’ve got big career goals.

The user, a 26-year-old woman, is in a four-month relationship with her 22-year-old boyfriend, who is from Eastern Europe while she is from Southern Africa. They share a strong love and a common goal of marriage, despite differences in their current career stages and financial situations.

The conflict arose when the user inquired about the division of household labor and gender role expectations post-marriage, asking if they would share chores or hire help. Her boyfriend responded by stating that if she were home all day, it would be unfair for him to come home and also help with chores, clarifying that he expects her to take on the full traditional role of a housewife, cook, clean, and raise children, and not work so she has more time for him. This expectation directly conflicts with the user’s ambitious plans to pursue a Master’s and Doctoral degree, leaving her uncertain about the future of the relationship.

My boyfriend wants me to become a housewife when we get married yet I've got big career goals.

We’ve been dating for 4 months and one thing that makes our relationship strong is that we have the common goal of marriage. I am 26 and he is 22. This is an interracial relationship as he is from Eastern Europe and I am from Southern Africa.

We love each other more than anything. He has a really well paying job and me, not really, as I am just getting started in my career so I don’t earn much in my country. However I have big plans for myself as I want to pursue a masters degree and eventually a doctorate.

Now, I brought up this subject two weeks ago, and I wanted to know his take on division of household labour and gender role expectations once we get married.

I asked if we will take turns on the chores or he expects me to do everything as a wife or we will hire a housekeeper since we will both work.

“I don’t find it fair that you will be home all day and I get to work and come back to help with the chores” His exact response.

Um excuse me??

Who said anything about me being home all day?

That’s where the whole argument started. So according to him, I will take on the full responsibility of traditional housewife ie cook, clean ,take care of the children we will have.

He does not want me to work so that I should have more time for him as my husband. And apparently, to him, this is how it should be,in his culture.

Guys, this is torture to me.

Meanwhile in my modern African home, both my parents work and we have a housekeeper who helps with the chores because obviously they both have high corporate jobs which do not spare them the time for such.

He told me hiring a housekeeper is a disgrace in his society.

So according to this logic, it means I will never pursue that masters and doctorate and practically, I am killing off my entire career for marriage.

I will be a stay at home wife, doing chores all day. He will provide. And this means I cannot make my own money, I will solely depend on him.

I know this is a big red flag.I really love this guy.But I do not see myself being comfortable in this marriage, if we ever get married.

He is visiting me in August and I want to have the conversation with him again in person. I do not know what to to do and I see us breaking up because he seems unshakeable on his standpoint.

Here’s how people reacted:

Physical_Dance_9606

Oh good god, you’re 4 months in you barely have a relationship. But the good news is you’ve discovered early on that you are fundamentally mismatched on this hugely important topic.

You know that even if you talk when ge comes over and he eventually ‘agrees’, it is all hypothetical – when it becomes a reality you will inevitably be stuck with someone that flat out refuses to do anything he perceives as ‘women’s work’. He’s shown you who he is so believe him – you have the choice to stay with him and live a life you don’t want and will ultimately resent, or you walk away and make those big aspirations a reality

Coucou22022

That was me in my early 20’s also in the same exact scenario as you for a year. I chose me. Yes the break up was difficult for about a month but investing in myself was the best thing i did. Today i have my degree as a registered Nurse with a Bachelor and applying for my Doctórate program next in a specialty that i love. My Husband found me and he also wanted a partner who would go after her dreams/goals. No one can take away your education. You will feel proud and accomplished and will meet an Amazing guy who will cheer you on. Choose you beautiful girl!🧠💪

StructEngineer91

NTA, expect to yourself if you don’t leave him. He is telling you who he is and what he wants in life, and that does not align with who you are and what you want in life. Neither desire is inherently wrong, but they 100% opposed to each other. So either you break up, or one of you (likely you OP) will have to give up your dreams/goals and thus end up resenting the other and probably end in a bitter divorce. You have only spent 4 months with him, leave him, so leave him now before you waste more of your life with him and end up in a bitter divorce.

editrixe

a “goal of marriage” is nothing to build a relationship on. This man does not see your full value and, importantly, has no interest in it. You may feel you love him but you are NOT compatible. Do yourself a favour and find someone whose goal is to live the happiest life with YOU, someone who is interested in finding out your interests and goals, and not someone who has already decided what your lot in life will be without even consulting you (because the end-goal for people like that will ALWAYS be to serve *him*).

AlexMorter

As an Eastern European that grew up in that culture I can say that it will never change, even if he will try his best to go out of his way, which I doubt. You will have all this judgment and unnecessary “advices” from his side of the family and friends which later will have impact on you and your marriage. 4 months is still not that long time of dating to know exactly if you’re compatible in the relationship and I think it’s good that he shared it with you this early on so you don’t waste each other’s time.

DaniCapsFan

Long-distance relationship of only four months, and your goals are incompatible? Boy, byeeeee!

And the idea that you would not be working as a SAHM is laughable. You would be working harder than he does but for no pay, no time off, and no means of support if he dies or leaves you.

There are probably plenty of women who wouldn’t mind being a SAHM. He can find one of them while you find someone who understands that both parties must work and both parties must share the household labor.

NTA

Ok-Butterscotch-6708

You’ve known him all of four months and you’re already talking about marriage. That’s a little concerning. He is only interested in having a woman servant at home to take care of his children and home. YATAH if you don’t see how incompatible he and you are. Find someone who values you as an individual and sees you as more than a bangmaid and servant.

Entire_Channel_4592

Honey. You don’t love this man. You are infatuated with each other. Its the puppy love stage. Its wonderful. But its temporary. That’s where the real compatibility comes in.

You aren’t compatible. Thats okay.

Find someone who wants the same things you do. You are so young.

TootsNYC

A woman who does not work outside, her home is handicapped in a big way.

It’s not just about what you want to do with your life, but about whether you will have any money. Whether you would ever be able to leave if you needed to. Whether you would feel confident in spending the family money

Penelope_Ann

You’re just incompatible. Find someone who will support your goals in life & let him find someone from his culture. 4 months is a relatively short period of time & while of course it will hurt to break up now he’ll likely be just a blip on your radar in a few months.

thatgirlrdrr

Nta. Break up so you don’t waste any more of each other’s time. Also, even if you wanted to be around stay at home mom, his views are messed up. He would still need to help with some chores. You guys were smart to discuss this, so now act on what you uncovered.

rememberimapersontoo

he didn’t even take the time to know you well enough to know that is a life you will be unhappy in. this man has no real connection to you. you will find someone else who makes you realise that what you had with this guy didn’t even come close to love

saltygardengirly

Get out now! This man is TAH and wants to control and manipulate you for the rest of your life. You do not share values or goals.

Girl, this is YOUR life. And you’re SO young. Don’t let this man get in the way of your dreams and finding Mr Right!

onlytexts

This is not a red flag, this is simply two people who dont see life in the same way nor they share the same idea of marriage. That’s it.

You have been together for 4 months, you made a question, he was honest.

NAH but you two are not compatible.

Midlife_Crisis_46

NTA. Look, this is not the man for you. I’m sorry to say that, but you are NOT compatible. He is not going to respect your goals and needs. I think you should end it before you get in even deeper and find someone who shares your values.
UpdateMe

ChiWhiteSox24

NTA – just want to point something out; you telling us unwarranted that you two “love each other more than anything” that’s an immediate sign that things are off. You two just aren’t compatible and I would be thankful to learn this 4 months in.

Brave-Quantity371

This is definitely a conversation you need to have when you see him. There doesn’t seem to be much compromising available on this subject. Make sure you guys honestly discuss your expectations for your relationship and each ither.

Archelon_ischyros

Having only read the headline (because, really, what else is there to say?), a marriage with this dude isn’t for you. You need to find someone who is more aligned with you and your goals, and views marriage as a partnership.

WittyFee7028

Don’t do it.Thats a big red flag right there.Nothing gives more peace than making your own money.Once you agree to all that,that’s how you will be stripped of your independence real quick.Let him go now

permanentcondition

He has told you everything you need to know about him. He will regard and treat you differently once you are married. You love the guy you are dating. You will not love the guy you marry. If it is him.

DeadGodjira

You may want to cut him lose now girl. He will do everything he can to keep you and have you act the way he wants. Men like this aren’t just red flags, they are red neon lights that are flashing.

Afraid_Ad_2470

As someone with a master in business and a great career, no matter who or how wonderful the guy seems to be, that would kill my desire to be with him if he wants me to be a housewife. Yuck

Holmes221bBSt

Hun just leave him. You’re young. You both will never be happy with each other and will end up resenting each other. If he wants a house wife, he can search in his culture pool.

Visual-Lobster6625

>We’ve been dating for 4 months and one thing that makes our relationship strong is that we have the common goal of marriage.

Your views on marriage aren’t the same.

Goddamitdonut

NTA. Good on you. 4 months is nothing and he doesn’t sound mature enough at 22 for marriage. But now you know hes not for you and not marriage material

Poor_Olive_Snook

Wanting to get married one day doesn’t make your relationship strong. You’ve been together only 4 months, he is practically a stranger. Cut your losses

pompanodoe

You do not share a common goal. You’ve only been dating 4 months! You don’t even know each other yet! It’s way too early to discuss marriage!

Heraonolympia123

It’s been 4 months. Just move on. It sounds long distance anyway so cut your loses and tell him before he comes visit in August.

SquareGiraffe7373

Not a 22 year old with ZERO life experience and no career to speak of telling his 26 year old girlfriend to be a SAHW..

Mountain-Status569

Love is not enough for marriage. You shouldn’t be together if you’re walking different paths in different directions.

AreaMiserable9187

You don’t have a common goal – you have completely different views. That’s okay! But he’s not for you.

Turbulent-Thought366

Sometimes, love isn’t enough.
This is one of those times.
Be true to yourself and set yourself free.

TenDollar_Banana

Tell him to find a Time Machine and live in the 1950’s if he wants that with you 🤷‍♀️

Guinnessjenny90

You have been dating for only four months and talking about marriage already?

Barkingatthemoon

Eastern European women work , where did he get the idea ???

Bao-Hiem

NTA, leave him. He ain’t gonna change his ways soon.

Fancy-Blueberry-4339

4 months lol
Get to 3 years then post again please

Manlypumpkins

Tell him (2) incomes means retire early for both

PieMuted6430

Stop using chatGPT to write bullshit stories.

EffectiveCut4684

NTA. Run, run fast and don’t stop.

Conclusion

The user is facing a significant conflict where her strong desire for a shared, modern partnership that supports her career ambitions clashes directly with her partner’s deeply held expectation for a traditional marriage based on his cultural background, requiring her to potentially sacrifice her entire professional future for marital stability.

Given the partner seems unshakeable in his stance that she must become a full-time homemaker dependent on him, the central question for debate is whether the foundational love and shared goal of marriage are enough to bridge this fundamental disagreement on gender roles and career autonomy, or if this incompatibility necessitates ending the relationship before marriage.