When the OP questioned whether he considered an embryo the same as a child, he confirmed this view. As the OP is a STEM major and her boyfriend is pre-med, this stance caused significant distress and disgust for her, leading her to immediately end the relationship. Now, mutual friends suggest the OP overreacted and should have simply agreed to disagree, leaving the OP to question her reaction.
We were watching a segment about Dr. Caitlin Bernard, the doctor who helped a 10-year-old rape victim get an abortion. My boyfriend said he thought abortion should be completely illegal, even in cases like that.
He made it clear he supported that extreme mindset (that kirk guy level). I asked him if he thinks embryo are the same as a “child” and he said yes. I am a stem major so that irked me, as well knowing he is a pre med and it made me feel disgusted.
I was shocked. I told him I couldn’t be with someone who held views like that and left him right then and there.
Now some mutual friends think I overreacted and say I was being too harsh, that we could’ve just “agreed to disagree.” But I don’t think that’s something you can compromise on.
AITAH?
Context: We are from Canada, so it baffles me that his opinions are this extreme.
Conclusion
The original poster ended a relationship immediately after discovering her boyfriend held an absolute anti-abortion stance, including viewing an embryo as equal to a child, a view she found irreconcilable with her own values, particularly given their academic backgrounds. The central conflict lies between the OP’s belief that certain fundamental moral issues are non-negotiable and the expectation from mutual friends that she should have tolerated this deep difference in opinion for the sake of the relationship.
The question for debate is whether such a profound disagreement on the fundamental moral status of a fetus, especially when one partner is pursuing a medical career, constitutes a valid reason for an immediate breakup, or if the responsible action would have been to attempt to coexist with the opposing viewpoint, as suggested by their social circle.
Here’s how people reacted:
This isn’t even ‘I see value in a heartbeat’ or ‘what if the dad (in two consenting adults) wants to raise the child himself, I agree it’s not fair to the women, but I think the man should have a choice too”. This is I support abuse and value cells more than a raped child. Because forcing that child to carry to term against her will is furthering abuse.
I’m sure he also believes that abortions shouldn’t be performed as a life saving measure, potentially even when the child may not make it regardless. The men discuss how many organs have to be failing for abortion to be considered a reasonable life saving procedure. I don’t understand why anyone would believe a corpse should have more rights then a living woman. If someone declined being an organ donor, it doesn’t matter how many lives they would save. Even after death, their body their choice. In pregnancy, a single life for a single life, why is my living one less important then that corpse?
What if it was his 10 year old daughter that was raped? Could you imagine. I doubt he would feel any different if he knew her. And if he cares so little for the wellbeing of that child, I guarantee you he wouldn’t care about yours. I wonder if he would choose you or the baby if asked to make the decision.
When hearing a story like that, if a man doesn’t get angry, feel sorrow for that child, or feel sick to his stomach, then I genuinely believe he doesn’t respect women.
Context: How long were you together? Because the less time it is the more absurd that someone would think YTA. If it’s been a while, there had to be other clues and red flags.
You’re not overreacting at all. Some beliefs are dealbreakers, and this one is huge. You’re not breaking up because you had a minor disagreement, you’re ending a relationship with someone who openly believes that a 10-year-old rape victim should be forced to carry a pregnancy. That’s not just a difference of opinion, that’s a massive moral chasm.
You’re allowed to have boundaries. You’re allowed to not want to be with someone whose values fundamentally clash with yours, especially when it comes to bodily autonomy and human rights.
Also, the fact that he’s a pre-med student and still holds those extreme views? Honestly disturbing. We need more doctors who respect science and patient choice, not less.
Your friends telling you to “agree to disagree” clearly don’t get how deep this goes. You did the right thing.
But to be clear I don’t think this is even a sad reason. First, it’s okay to want to date with someone whose moral values align with your own. Second, if you were to get pregnant, you’d probably have to deal with him pressuring your to keep the baby, so that could obviously dramatically affect your life. Third, down the line, if you had children and, say, your daughter got pregnant as a teenager, depending on the state of law in 20, 30 years … his position could also dramatically affect your family.
So definitely don’t sweat it.
Honestly, even if an embryo was equivalent to a person, it still doesn’t mean someone should be obligated to risk their life or health for them, pregnancy is incredibly risky for an elementary school aged child. There are people dying in hospitals every day who might have been saved by organ donation, the government doesn’t arrest us and harvest our organs without our consent to save lives. Without bodily autonomy, you really have nothing.
Our opinions and differences are what makes everything in life interesting. How boring a world would we have if there were no differences?
More importantly. You don’t want someone that agrees with you on everything.
Maybe he sees abortion as murder?
Either way, all you had to do is say:
We don’t agree on this topic and it looks like neither of us will change our minds, so let’s not discus it with each other or around one another.
Then at least you aren’t the guy that threw away a relationship because you disagreed on one topic that will never be something you have to make a decision on.
He outright said, while watching a show about a 10 year old rape victim, that that child should be forced to carry that fetus. That that child should be forced to give birth, and more than likely die doing so.
A 10 year old rape victim.
Leaving him isn’t dramatic enough honestly.
Good riddance. Also take a look at your friends because you might have conflicting values.
I’d leave too! This isn’t something you can agree to disagree on.
I’m concerned that he is pre med, in a country where abortion is legal.
But not the AH!
I think this is a perfectly normal reaction and a common dealbreaker.