For over a year and a half, the OP has urged her husband to get a vasectomy, as hormonal BC is not an option for her due to medical reasons. When bringing it up, the process seems to restart repeatedly, with excuses preventing the procedure. This issue is compounded by the recent, unplanned loss of a pregnancy around 19 weeks, which was emotionally devastating, especially as the husband offered little support during the event. The OP is now left doubting their relationship and future, feeling extreme emotional turmoil after a recent sexual encounter where her husband allegedly removed his condom without her consent.
I, 35f, have 4 children with my husband, 30m. I am having a hard time writing this, I keep infodumping unimportant details and have to re-write. Basically, every time my husbans has been in charge of BC we end up with another child.
We used Condoms when we got pregnant with our twins ( 6) and we had no pregnancies for 2 years because I had an IUD. Car accident injury ended up needing us to use Condoms for a while.
Pregnant immediately. Baby was born (3). I got pregnant again IMMEDIATELY(2).
For almost a year and a half, I have been pushing him to get a vasectomy. There is ALWAYS a reason that it’s not the time. He had to reschedule an appointment ONE time and then it just never happened.
Every time I bring it up it seems I am starting from the beginning. I can’t be on hormonal BC because of medication issues.
Early this year I went through a pregnancy that I lost. It was a Rollercoaster of emotions because it was not planned and we live in a state where a choice wasn’t an option, and while I wasnt opposed to another child in the future, not NOW.
I was dealing with a lot of anger from my husband and parents and then everyone just refused to acknowledge the pregnancy. I lost the baby at about 19 weeks. He left me to go to work in the middle of it.
I should have gone to a hospital, but couldnt unless i was going to take all of my kids with me. He then took a day off of work 4 days later for a stuffy nose (so basically alone still with him in the house).
I have not recovered emotionally.
Two days ago we wakes me up for intimacy and I ask to make sure he has a condom. He asks really? It’s in a different room (the bathroom). I have to ask a second time, I even use the words “I can’t get pregnant again” so gets one.
He doesn’t put it on until I remind a third time. Part way through he says something like “I just can’t” and it is only at the end that I realize he has removed the condom when a mess is made.
I didn’t say anything at the moment. I don’t know why I didn’t seem to really process what was going on. I was tired when it started, I enjoyed the activity, and I told him I love him even after I realized what went on.
I am having problems because I am so upset with him but I am so excited to be around him I forget how violated i feel. I feel insane. I feel like it’s Stockholm syndrome and I am watching myself through a window.
I watch this person posses me who is just so happy to talk to this person who used to be the only thing that ever made me feel safe.
I have been alternating between being angry with him and shaking with rage, and sobbing. He is at work and I have sent him a text that we need to talk tonight right before I typed this out.
He gets off of work in 5 hours and I have just been shaking and a wreck. I am so scared I going to wind up pregnant again. Losing the last one almost killed me (literally) and I don’t want him to touch me again until I know his touch wont kill me.
It feels so at odds because he’s my only safe place. My only comfort, and he’s the one who hurt me.
I don’t think this conversation will go well. He is so reasonable untill eyes are on him for accountability. But it has to happen now, and frankly I don’t know if our relationship will handle the conversation going poorly after everything I have gone through this year.
I am tired, and now I’m going to be scared untill I bleed again. Does he not care…? I just don’t think trust him anymore after this, and I think I am having a hard time accepting that.
I don’t think there is any other step forward to repairing this relationship than him getting fixed. I don’t think anything else will be enough ever again.
I am sorry this post is a mess. I am a mess and this is the best I can do. I feel like I’m going to have an anxiety attack just posting this I need to get my wits about me so I’m not all emotional when I talk to him, I just want to make sure I’m not crazy.
Please and thank you.
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a state of extreme distress, oscillating between intense anger and a desire for comfort from her husband, which she recognizes as conflicting with the violation she feels. The central conflict is between her need for absolute certainty regarding contraception—demanding a vasectomy as the only acceptable next step—and the husband’s consistent avoidance of this permanent commitment, which has now led to a profound breach of trust.
The core question for consideration is whether the husband’s repeated failures to secure contraception, culminating in a potential non-consensual act, are fundamentally incompatible with rebuilding trust and maintaining the relationship, especially given the severe emotional toll of the recent pregnancy loss, or if the established emotional dependency prevents the OP from accepting the depth of the betrayal.
Here’s how people reacted:
Get a tubal ligation.
He. Won’t. Care. That it’s actually surgery and has risks.
He . Doesn’t. Care.
Got it and I’m really reevaluate your relationship.
We women are so bad at being honest with ourselves about what we perceive. Reach out ourselves, and we are uncertain and all the wild. We are usually having clear perception. While they play games.
Please trust yourself.
And please please please understand this. Most women think that it’s impossible to have a happy life and take good care of their children when they’re single. But it’s a failure. It’s not and it’s not. It’s peaceful and it’s organized and you have one less child to take care of and suddenly there’s nobody in your life undermining you were undervaluing you covertly, or overly. please trust yourself. And when you’re getting surgery with anesthesia, remember that. Remember that that’s what he chose because. he. Doesn’t. care.
The taking off the condom thing. . .what would you tell your daughter/s (if you do have girls) if their husband’s did that to them?
If you don’t feel like leaving his ass after that thought have the convo. You have plenty of kids you love but after the miscarriage you know you are done and want him to get a vasectomy. Alternative is you get tubes tied but it is easier on men and he can get one that is reversible. And to ensure you don’t get pregnant you won’t engage in vaginal sex.
But I vote leave his ass.
I’m sorry for your loss and and the POS man you married who may have a breeding fetish.
Why have you not considered alternate forms for BC if you won’t leave him? It’s easy for everyone else to say to leave him, but, from the context of the OP, that’s not likely. Unfortunately, that means the OP must take action herself! Fuck that guy
A vasectomy is a TINY procedure and he gets to masturbate to deliver a gallon sized sperm sample in the weeks following.
It sounds pretty clear more babies aren’t what you want and you have every right to feel that way. You mentioned stockholm syndrome, why would life without your husband be so bad if this is where you’re at?
No sex period without the vasectomy. Although not fun much it’s less evasive than you having your tubes done.
Stop having children with this man. Stop having sex with this man. Stop being married to this man. He is a danger to you.
NTA
This sub will blame you for everything. I was called crazy multiple times today for implying that men should do vasectomy.
Do what you need to to leave him safely – because this will continue to happen.
You, and your children, all deserve to live better than this.
No further discussion is required.
His stealthing on the other hand is despicable behaviour – you should probably be thinking about moving out.
This sounds like reproductive coercion and abuse.
He’s deliberately getting you pregnant.
If you stay with him, get your tubes tied.
NTA
You have a right to say no to sex for any reason.
He raped you and doesn’t care. Please get the morning after pill.
And find someone else.