Matt has shared fantasies that the writer finds extreme and uncomfortable, noting that some suggestions genuinely scare her. When she tried to discuss her boundaries, she felt increasing pressure from him, suggesting that caring about him meant being more open-minded. After she proposed compromise on less intense activities, he became distant, leading to her decision to end the relationship, which he met with anger, calling her selfish for not meeting him halfway, causing her to doubt her decision.
So, I (F) have been dating my boyfriend, “Matt” for about a year. He’s been super sweet, kind, and thoughtful most of the time, and we’ve had a lot of great moments together. I really thought we were a great match, until recently when things got…complicated.
To be blunt, Matt has some fantasies that I would call pretty extreme or “hardcore,” at least by my standards. Look, I’m not a prude, and I’ve been open to trying new things in the past.
But his fantasies are on a whole other level some of the stuff he’s suggested honestly scares me. I don’t wanna go into too much detail, but it involves things that just make me really uncomfortable and nervous.
I tried to talk to him about it a few times, really tried to understand where he’s coming from and what he likes. But the more we talked about it, the more I felt pressured to just go along with it.
It’s like he kept hinting that if I really cared about him, I’d be more open-minded or “adventurous.” I even told him I’d be open to trying other stuff that’s less intense, but he just seemed disappointed and almost distant with me after that.
Last night we had another convo about it, and I told him that I just don’t think we’re compatible anymore. He got mad and said I was being selfish and that I’m “not trying hard enough to meet him halfway.” It actually hurt to hear him say that, and now I feel like maybe I’m being unfair to him by just bailing.
I know a lot of couples have to work through stuff like this, but I also don’t think I should feel forced into trying things that honestly scare me.
So, AITAH for ending a relationship over this, even though we were good otherwise?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is currently feeling conflicted and potentially unfair for ending a seemingly good relationship based on sexual incompatibility. Her core dilemma is balancing her genuine care for Matt against her strong personal discomfort and fear regarding his specific desires, feeling pressured to compromise her safety or sense of self for the relationship’s continuation.
The central question for debate is whether ending a relationship over fundamental incompatibility in sexual boundaries, especially when one party feels pressured or scared, constitutes an unfair or selfish action when the relationship was otherwise positive. Should an individual prioritize their deep-seated comfort and security over a partner’s strong desire for specific sexual expression?
Here’s how people reacted:
It’s very clear that you’re incompatible.
You never ever have to do anything sexually that you are uncomfortable with.
And it’s clear he’s pressuring you. That’s not okay.
Think about it. When you love someone, doesn’t it make you happy when they are enthusiastic about sharing intimacy?
Wouldn’t it make you feel bad if you had to coerce and pressure them? Of course it would. Because you’re compassionate and empathetic. If you had to pressure and coerce your boyfriend into doing something, it wouldn’t feel right to you.
So the fact that your boyfriend can totally ignore your feelings and pressure you, means that he does not have empathy for you. He doesn’t care about your feelings. And that’s not the foundation for a healthy relationship. It’s one-sided. And that’s not healthy for you.
You’re doing the absolute right thing.
Because in the end, it’s good for both of you. You’re showing you yourself the respect you deserve, and you’re also respecting him enough to allow him to be with a partner he can respect. Because he doesn’t respect you. You can’t have a relationship where the respect is one-sided. You’re doing both of you a favor.
A relationship does not equal CONSENT!
No one is judging him for being kinky. *I’m* judging him because he seems to think that just because you two are dating he is entitled to push any and all kinks and fetishes.
In the kink community, consent is a BIG DEAL. If you and your partner are interested in doing kinky things loooooong and thorough conversations need to be had about what kinks you both have, what you are comfortable with, and what you are not comfortable with. THIS INCLUDES IF ONE PARTY IS NOT KINKY AT ALL AND DOESNT WANT TO INCLUDE KINK INTO THEIR SPICY SLEEP.
Honesty, OP, he sounds like a predator. He is trying to guilt you into doing something you are not comfortable with. As soon as you give into one thing he will then push and continue until he fully gets what he wants. I think you are right to break up with him, he is just going to bully you until you do it AND THAT IS *COERCION*
NTA, RUN
What is selfish is trying to get your partner to ignore their boundaries, whatever they are, for your own gratification which is what he is doing.
Overall, he does not sound like a safe partner and I would not recommend allowing yourself to be placed in a vulnerable position with him because I do not believe he will respect your boundaries and would de-escalate and stop if you were to use a safeword
Based on the very little that you shared, he is not someone who should be doing BDSM even with a partner who did enthusiaticly consent.
You made the right call
I’ve been with my husband for 13 years. Over time hubby has wanted to try more things than me. I’ve been open to trying some, but there are a few things that I’m just absolutely 100% not into. Hubby doesn’t pressure me or anything about it. He respects my boundaries and we enjoy trying other stuff together, stuff that we both find comfortable.
That’s where you base your decision. The way he has treated your rejection of his fantasies that you voiced make you uncomfortable.
You’re NTA for holding your boundaries. He is for not respecting them.
Looks like you’re getting a lot of great advice. You’re not compatible. There’s no meeting halfway with kink. You either want it or not.
We had a Matt in our town and he was THE WORST.
Just dump him, I don’t even care
If it’s something most people consider vanilla, you might be the asshole here.
You’re right I’m not, because I don’t want to do it! NTA
Ntah