The mother, described as having been emotionally and physically abusive during the poster’s childhood, recently called stating she was evicted and needed a place to stay, though the poster suspected she was currently intoxicated. When the poster declined to offer housing, the mother reacted with anger, calling her names and accusing her of being heartless, leading to relatives now pressuring the poster to take her in. The poster is now questioning whether her decision to protect her own space was wrong, given her mother’s desperate situation.
I (29F) bought a small house last year—nothing fancy, but it’s quiet, safe, and mine. For the first time in my life, I feel like I can actually breathe.
Now for context: my mom (52F) is an alcoholic and has been for as long as I can remember. My childhood was not a childhood. I was more like her emotional punching bag, personal therapist, maid, and sometimes target when she got too drunk and angry.
She used to scream at me for “wasting space” or “ruining her life.” I remember being maybe 9 or 10, dragging her off the kitchen floor after she’d passed out from drinking again, terrified she was dead.
She never remembered the things she’d say or do. Or maybe she did and just didn’t care.
CPS was called once—by my 5th grade teacher—but my mom cleaned herself up just long enough to fool them. Then the punishments got worse when they left.
I left home the minute I turned 18. No contact for years. She only reached out again recently, and I kept things surface-level because I’m still working through the trauma. Therapy has helped a lot, and I’ve spent years trying to build a life that’s calm and not ruled by chaos.
Last week she called sobbing, saying she got evicted and has nowhere to go. She begged me to let her stay “just for a little while.” I asked her what happened. She wouldn’t give me a straight answer, but I could already hear the slurring in her voice.
I told her I was sorry, but I couldn’t help her.
She snapped. Said I’m a cold-hearted bitch, that “after everything I’ve done for you, this is how you repay me?” That I’m heartless for letting my own mother sleep in her car.
Now a few relatives are blowing up my phone, calling me cruel and selfish, saying she’s my mother and she has nowhere to go. But none of them are offering to take her in. Just me.
I feel guilty. I don’t want her to suffer. But I also know what it’s like to live with her, and I’m scared that if I let her in, I’ll never get my peace back.
AITA?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is experiencing significant guilt stemming from her desire to maintain the safe, calm environment she worked hard to create, contrasting sharply with her deep-seated obligation and fear regarding her alcoholic mother’s immediate homelessness. Her conflict centers on choosing between personal safety and the traditional expectation of providing shelter to a parent, regardless of past harm.
The core question for debate is whether the responsibility to protect one’s established peace and mental health outweighs the immediate, albeit potentially temporary, obligation to house a parent who has a history of causing severe trauma. Readers must weigh the proven damage of reintroducing chaos against the moral weight of leaving a family member without shelter.
Here’s how people reacted:
If you really feel the need to give in, then set boundaries. Go to a lawyer and get an agreement made up. Require her to be able to pay a certain amount towards utilities/rent. Whether it’s a grocer, or cleaning up garbage, she will have to hold a job to ensure that she can cover her portion. To ensure that she can uphold her side of things, she can’t be out of a job (with no offers) for two weeks, or she’s out. She is not allowed to bring any alcohol in the house and you are allowed to check her room for it. She is going to AA meetings. She also has a curfew (to ensure she isn’t just out drinking all night). Obviously talk to a lawyer first, but give her the same treatment that a shelter will give.
If she was doing okay, then a women’s shelter would be willing to take her. They just have strict rules, like some that I listed above. It doesn’t sound like she wants to stop drinking, so helping her out is only enablement at this time (unless it’s helping her seek professional help). It’s hard to watch, but she will only change when she wants to.
I can’t advise against taking in a homeless alcoholic any more strongly. She’ll stay more than a little while and have tenants’ rights, even without a lease. No, from jump.
On a different note: Mom, you meant to say ‘after everything I did TO me, not FOR me.’ For everything you did TO me, I broke away and am still healing, and yes, this is the ‘toll’ you have to pay. Call it payback if you wish, but this isn’t revenge. This is the toll paid to cross the bridge to my survival. I survived because of everything you did TO me. Not FOR me. I survived in SPITE of your parenting, and I have to continue to survive. I’m impressed you’ve made it so long without me as your punching bag. A full decade. I’m confident you’ll do it again. You’re broken, but not stupid. I wish you nothing but peace and harmony, which I have, but won’t share or destroy.
You can’t heal from your trauma from her with her being in your life, especially as close as she is expecting.
She can live with those relatives who think you should be abused even more.
Too bad, so sad.
APS should help look after her like CPS didn’t help you.
NTA
Stay true to yourself. Alcoholism haunts families for many generations. As an aside, be aware of your own drinking. I have quit all drinking because I don’t want to be my mother.
You need to put yourself and your mental health first. Go NC with your Mom and her flying monkeys.
Updateme
Remindme
It’s amazing to hear you’ve come out on the other side. You might have struggles but you’re winning at life! ❤️
Good luck sweetie!❤️
Even if your mom was the world’s best mom, if she’s an alcoholic who’s drinking, saying no would be the right call.
And btw, NTA.
yeah there it is, fake story