Following the birth of their first child, the husband completely changed his life, focusing on education, career success, and ensuring his wife never had to work. They have since had another child and recently renewed their vows. Although the wife has reconciled with her family, they still refuse to acknowledge the husband. The couple recently bought the wife’s childhood home, where they currently live peacefully.
My wife and I have been married for 20+ years, dating since 16. Before the age of 21 I was a degenerate. I cheated, got in trouble with the law, I was abusive (never physical but definitely verbal), I was HORRIBLE.
This woman never left my side, not once. The day we found out she was pregnant, it’s like a switch flipped in my head. Wife kept our baby against her family’s wishes (they wanted nothing to do with me.
I don’t blame them). Her parents and siblings basically disowned her after that. I completely turned my life around, married her, went back to school, got a job, had another wonderful kid, got another degree, started a business.
I make sure she never needs to work a day in her life; my life now revolves around making hers easier. We just renewed our vows last year. Time passed and wife has made amends with her family but they to this day do not acknowledge me (again I do not blame them).
My wife’s family lost her childhood home when she was around 13 when her parents divorced. It’s been in her family for generations. Wife always wanted to own it again. Over the last decade I kept a tab on it.
About three years ago the house went up for sale, and we bought it. Wife and I have been living there since. Kids are in college so it’s just the two of us and life has been very peaceful.
Last month, my FIL died. Now MIL is alone and needs a new place to stay. One of my wife’s sisters never left the house or got married, and lives with and take care of MIL full time.
None of wife’s siblings can afford to take them in currently. Wife and I had a great idea, MIL and the sister can move into our house. It was their home once so it will be familiar, we have more than enough space and funds to support both of them very comfortably and I thought it was a great opportunity for me to improve my relationship with them too.
Recently I got a call from my BIL. He liked the idea, thinks that is the best case scenario for everyone, except he has one condition: all the siblings wants ME to move out. As long as their mother is in that house, they do not want to deal with my presence whenever they want to visit their mother.
They also don’t want to feel “under my roof”. I was ready to say no until he said this : That him and his siblings had to spend years of their growing up dealing with the fall out of their parents “losing their oldest daughter to me”.
The last thing I can give her is to let their mother have her kids around peacefully in the house. In their defense wife’s parents did become crazy strict on the rest of the siblings after wife left with me.
But that was years ago. We are all in our 40s now. They don’t care if my wife stays or moves with me, they just want ME gone. The family is planning to place MIL in a nursing home when her health deteriorates which we are guessing will be in a year or two.
They are not trying to claim ownership of the house, I trust my wife and her family on that, they are just that appalled by my presence and wants me to live somewhere temporarily while they take care of their mother in the last few years.
On one hand I want to laugh at how ridiculous his request is. On another maybe I owe it to that family.
Conclusion
The husband is facing a complex request from his in-laws: they want him to temporarily move out of the house he shares with his wife so that his mother-in-law and her live-in sister can move in without his presence. He feels a pull between seeing the demand as ridiculous, given his decades of positive change and commitment to his wife, and feeling a sense of obligation or debt to his wife’s family for their past suffering.
The core conflict centers on whether past negative actions, even from decades ago, perpetually disqualify the husband from sharing a home with his wife’s family, or if his substantial, proven life changes and current efforts to support them should outweigh historical resentment. Should the husband agree to leave his primary residence temporarily to allow his in-laws peace during their mother’s final years?
Here’s how people reacted:
Remember, OP, it wasn’t you that ostracized your wife from them. It was them that turned their back on her because they didn’t like you. That’s even more despicable than anything you ever did in your so called “degenerate” years in your youth. For them to turn on her because she wanted to make things work with the father of her child, especially when you made the effort to be better, that has nothing to do with anything but them protecting whatever image they think they have, and that’s still going on. Do not let them gaslight you into leaving your home. Because if you do, once you are out, they will find every reason in the book to prevent you from coming back. That may not be what they are plotting now, but that’s the course these things inevitably take. And, trust me, you will not be a bad man for making a hard stand here. If you don’t take that stand, if you leave, then you are subjecting your children and wife to the whims of people who care more about image than anything else. Don’t set that example for your kids. These people have already betrayed and abandoned your wife and kids once, don’t let them do it again. I’d say you either need to stay, or just tell the in-laws to get fucked. What they expect of you is unreasonable in every way. Even if you hadn’t course corrected your life all those years ago, even if you were still this “degenerate” you say you once were, it still wouldn’t be right for anyone to try to force you out of your house so they can use it.
You will certainly not be the asshole if you refuse. Although, might argue, with absolutely no disrespect at all intended, that it would be an asshole move to subject your wife and kids to the in-law’s whims in your own house.
Guaranteed they will take the house. The MIL and sister will live there, then the siblings will manipulate and gaslight to take the house. Think about this: you said you were toxic, and your wife picked you… why? Probably because toxic is what she knew from her own home life! You became good, but I BET her family is toxic and they’re proving it now.
So my recommendation is the following. Let the family in law know that you won’t gravel for their approval and you won’t beg for their forgiveness. You have changed and grown, and you are doing well and your family is doing well. They can keep things as they are, and it’s not a problem at all. Or, if they want more help, they can ask for it. But you won’t be displaced from your house. They can take it or leave it. You’re offering help, so accepting is on them.
And just who is going to pay the bills after you leave? Do they expect you to pay for the “family home” and the bills you would have from living somewhere else?
The only reason your MIL & SIL have the opportunity to move back “home” is because you and your wife bought it.
They’re out of their minds. Your sibling-in-laws need to grow up and get over what happened all those years ago. If your wife doesn’t have a problem with it, then neither should they and besides, they don’t get a say in anything.
If it’s that much of a problem, they can stay the hell away from your house while your MIL and SIL live there and not visit, or they can all pool their money and pay to house and support their mother and sister. Either way, you are not going anywhere.
Absolutely do not move out of your home that you paid for!
How about a 3rd solution?
Have your MIL come and stay for a little vacation to spend some quality time with her daughter. Don’t move out!!
If you can afford it, hire a nurse to help with her needs like bathing, dressing, medications, etc. if your wife isn’t able to help her with that, if it’s needed.
See how the “vacation” goes while you continue to live there.
If she’s rude & abusive to you don’t let her move in.
Let them go on with their lives as they choose to be miserable assholes rather than admit that you are an amazing husband and father and that you completely turned your life around 20 years ago!
It’s been over 20 years now, people change and grow, obviously you have, if they can’t respect that it is your house and that you’re so willing to help out, they can get fucked,
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter if they feel under your roof or not because it is YOUR roof. You worked your ass off to turn your life around, it’s time that they showed a little respect and acknowledge you for the person you have become, not the person you used to be and not the monster that the wife’s parents 10000% portrayed you to be all these years, as I’m sorry but there is absolutely no way that they didn’t twist things to be even worse sounding
You rushed your life around in a spectacular fashion, and have maintained it for decades. I get that you made trouble for everyone before that, but you bought back the family home and are now going to be providing a safe place for your MIL to live you her final years. Your BIL is being a giant AH. He should be grateful that you’re helping his mom out. He’s got a lot of nerve.
Stay where you are. It’s your home, and if BIL and your wife’s other siblings are going to be entitled AHs, let them. It’s their problem, not yours.
At 21, your brain isn’t done growing. Forgiveness after 20+ years where you have proven that you have changed is reasonable. Asking you to leave your home for years over behavior that ended 20 years ago is crazy and entitled. Tell them to figure out how to care for her without your home. Because fuck no.
1) you move out and your wife stays, can your marriage survive that?
2) you both move out and you have a hell of a problem paying for a house you don’t live in and some squatters. ‘Under your roof.’ Well that’s cos it is. You move out they won’t consider it your house anymore.
What’s your wife say to all this? She seriously cannot be entertaining this.
This is *not* the “best choice for everyone” if it means you have to leave the home you’re offering to open up to them.
And that’s besides the lint that this is one of the most insulting requests over ever heard.
You made a generous offer and they want to tell you what to do?
No. Absolutely no. If they don’t like the situation, they can all pool together and take care of her.
This boils my blood.
Same thing if you leave, and the rest of the family moves back in “to be with mom.”
NTAH