The issue arises after the meal is ready, when she calls him to the dining area. He immediately sits down without getting cutlery, condiments, or drinks, leaving her to manage these final steps while feeling overwhelmed, despite having previously mentioned this to him. She is now questioning if her request for him to handle these tasks while she finishes serving makes her unreasonable.
So I (f31) love cooking beautiful and complex dinners for my partner (m42). We’ve been going out for a few years now. The issue is when I’ve finished cooking and call him in the front room (kitchen/diner), he immediately sits down and doesn’t usually think to get cutlery out, condiments or drinks for us.
So I end up scrambling around getting quite overwhelmed, which is something I’ve told him.
A few weeks ago he said, “You really don’t like serving me, do you?”. I was pretty surprised but he’s right I don’t like the ritual we’ve gotten into when it comes to meal time. I do think cooking, prepping meals, making desserts and/or baked goods is an act of service in itself too.
So now I’ve bought it up a couple of times that I would like him to get his food from the kitchen area and it’d be nice if he could get the cutlery, condiments and drinks while I finish serving up.
He’s very resistant and said he doesn’t get it. He says this has never been a thing for him in his life before and doesn’t understand my issue with it. I’ve explained but he ends up not really responding and gives me a look like I’m being unreasonable.
I’ve even asked him if he thinks I’m being unreasonable. Which he hasn’t directly answered but said that again it’s never been a thing for him, so he doesn’t know.
He’s also said that he doesn’t want to stand around or get in my way. Which I can understand but it’s only a few seconds to a minute, tops, to serve whatever dish and he could help out with cutlery, condiments or drinks as I said.
I’ve told him I’m going to put this on here, I feel like because of his reaction I might be the asshole? I also think that maybe I’m right to be a little frustrated and maybe he’s the asshole?
I want that we do love and appreciate each other generally. I do like making these meals most of the time. They very often take me at least an hour. He washes the dishes.
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) feels frustrated because her partner resists a small request to help with the final stages of meal service, which she sees as a necessary addition to her significant effort in cooking. Her partner views the request as new and unnecessary, leading to a conflict where she feels her needs regarding shared task completion are being dismissed.
The central question is whether the OP is being unreasonable in expecting her partner to handle setting the table (cutlery, drinks, condiments) after she has completed the demanding task of cooking a complex meal, or if the partner is being dismissive of a reasonable request for shared effort during the ‘service’ phase of the dinner routine.
Here’s how people reacted:
NTA of course, it’s just a thing to work out. Doesn’t matter how you work it out, just that you can talk about it, come to agreement in a respectful way, that’s the goal, in my view.
But I don’t understand why you let this behaviour stand at all. You say you’d told him you end up scrambling and getting overwhelmed, but I don’t get why you didn’t just refuse to let him treat you like a servant.
Just don’t serve him. Literally that simple.
Tell him dinner is ready, get your own meal on the table, and leave him to it. You are complicit in the way you allow him to treat you. There’s nothing for him to “not get,” he’s just employing weaponised helplessness to manipulate you.
I don’t normally care about age gaps, but it’s pretty obvious here is one of those dudes who can’t get anyone his own age because those women tell him to fuck off with his bullshit so he’s gone for a younger, less confident, more naive age instead.
there’s a difference between a woman doing it because she either really likes just doing it, or sometimes does it out of kindness for her partner and a woman who does it simply because it is expected of her from her partner.
it’s a sense of entitlement. he wants you to do the nice thing for him and “serve” him but he can’t do the nice thing for you and help set the table? since when is helping set the table “getting in the way”? the good is already made, just put the plates and forks down jesus.
you’re NTA.
He sounds like a self-important superior asswipe. If there isn’t a good answer to these questions and you can’t negotiate an arrangement that works, think hard about what that means for you.
I’m assuming you don’t have kids together – think hard about that too – he will either expect your children to worship him, or expect you to wait on them as privileged beings in his likeness. And he wont share the actual load of parenting.
And if you are planning to be childfree for life and don’t mind being looked down on by your supposed partner? Keep at it I guess…
The cook is responsible for the meal and setting the table. Beverages are the person’s responsibility. We almost always have drinks (water for me, diet coke for her) in hand during the day. The cook’s job ends when the food hits the table. The other person is responsible for everything afterwards. This includes washing the stove/grill, putting away the left overs (if any), cleaning the cooking utensils, and clearing the table.
While our arrangement matches more closely with your partner’s expectation, we alternate cooking. So the “before a bite / after a bite” split works fairly for us.
Expecting to be served is so pre-boomer – when the guy worked outside the house and the woman did the work inside house. Come to think of it, my pre-boomer Dad would help set the table and get kids to help, too. He also did dishes until kids were old enough to help with that.
Hun, there is a reason someone his age won’t date him. Women his age won’t put up with that bs. He has two arms and two legs and can serve himself.
It will be a cold day in hell the day I spend hours making a full meal and my husband says some crap like that to me….hell no! Girl, you are not his trad wife, his maid, his servant or his mom. This is just red flag one, I can’t imagine how many others there are not you haven’t mentioned.
Imagine having to do all the dinner stuff and handle a kid or two. How helpful will he be then? IMO he needs to grow up and get with the program. You guys are supposed to be a team, everything should be a group effort in some way shape or form.
As others have suggested, it he won’t help, don’t serve him.
It that doesn’t work, scale back your meals – make him Ramen noodles and hot dogs and see how long it takes him to complain and then say “it’s been an issue before”🤷♂️
But stop enabling him.
Girl, if you have to come to Reddit for this you already know your future if you keep this areshole.
Ditch the controlling man child.
What an entitled arsehole.
Exactly what positive atributes does he have?
In the meals I make. If he can’t be a partner then why should I?
I audibly groaned here. NTA
NTA