After three years together, the OP discovered his wife was cheating in September. Upon returning from work, he immediately arranged for a hotel, then traveled to Vietnam, blocking her on all communication and hiring a lawyer to start divorce proceedings. Now, friends are suggesting the OP is being unfair because he left his wife financially vulnerable, as their shared apartment and all associated bills were in her name, relying on his financial support.
I know that I am not an asshole for leaving a relationship where my partner was unfaithful. That is normal and I would hope everyone respects themselves enough to get out of that situation.
This is a touch more complicated.
I fly in fly out for work. I am currently working a contract in Africa. I work for eight weeks then I get four off. So basically I’m gone for two months and home for one.
I have been doing this kind of work for about ten years now. I had a house but I was never there and it didn’t make sense to rent it out since I would not have a place to stay when I needed it.
So I sold it.
I stayed with my parents and simplified my life to the point where other than my car and one set of formal clothes for weddings)funerals I could carry everything I own in one piece of checked luggage and my carry on.
I met Louise three years ago. We hit it off and nstarted dating. She seemed okay with my lifestyle and it was nice having someone to come home to. We got married last summer. I found out this September she was cheating on me.
When I got home this time I didn’t bother leaving the airport. I checked in to the hotel for the night and left the next day for Vietnam. I rented a nice place there for my time off and blocked her on everything.
I also contacted a lawyer to start a divorce.
A few people got ahold of me to see what was going on since she didn’t know where I was. I told them that we were getting divorced because she was cheating on me. It happens. I’m sad but not ashamed.
I didn’t screw up.
We never mixed our finances. The only thing that sort of matters is that our apartment was in her name. We wanted to make sure she could take care of everything while I was gone. All our bills were also in her name.
Not my credit cards or anything. Just water, power, internet, stuff like that. I would just give her money to pay all the bills. It was good because then she had her salary to pay for herself on everything else she wanted while I was gone.
The thing is she can’t afford that apartment on her salary. I’m back in Africa and won’t be home again until just after Christmas. I’m already planning on taking my parents to Europe over New Year’s so I won’t be bothering to fly back to California next time.
I will just have my company fly me to Italy instead.
My ex doesn’t have a lot of savings. She makes good money but she likes nice things. I liked her having nice things so I didn’t mind subsidizing her life. Now she is stuck in a lease and has a car note that will eat up all her paycheck.
Some of our friends think that leaving her in that situation without talking to her isn’t fair. That she only got the apartment because she was counting on my money for the budget.
They all acknowledge that she is in the wrong for cheating. But they think I am screwing her over too much by just leaving her like I did. Cold turkey so to speak.
Do you guys think I owe her anything more? Am I the asshole?
Conclusion
The OP is facing criticism from mutual friends who believe that while his wife’s infidelity justifies divorce, his sudden departure without addressing the financial arrangements is unduly harsh. The central conflict lies between the OP’s right to separate cleanly after betrayal and his former partner’s reliance on his expected financial subsidy to maintain their shared living situation.
Considering that the OP never mixed finances and the living situation was established based on his long-term income, does he have a moral or practical obligation to provide a transition period or financial support to his unfaithful spouse, or does her infidelity absolve him of all further responsibility for the immediate consequences?
Here’s how people reacted:
Don’t get the point of view of your friends.
Yes she might got the apartment counting on your money. But you were paying counting on her fidelity. So she breaking her side of the deal voids your responsibility on your part.
Something I used to counter the friends that always suggested to “give another chance”, rekindled, be understanding and whatnot was:
“You know what, you are right but first let me have a little affair with your wife/gf. After that I will have a better understanding of other side while you can give her another chance.”
For some reason they seam not to be that forgiving when they are directly involved.
Absolutely not the asshole here. She was “counting on” your pay check, what a shame she didnt weigh that up when she decided that her husband and her vows didnt matter when she get a boyfriend. If her friends are so concerned, then tell them, that her boyfriend/s or they can help her out with her financial arrangements. Because when you cheat on someone, they tend to leave. Telling her would still have her in the same situation. You would have left regardless. Her predicament is 100% on her. Tough, she played the game and got found out.
Lucky your not tied in with kids and a mortgage
She will need to sell her car and get a cheaper one. She can also look into getting a 2nd job to support herself. Or maybe she can get money from the AP. Regardless, this is no longer your problem unless they make you pay some sort of alimony.
Anyone says it’s to mean or not fair for her, can volunteer to help her. Probably people who feel bad for her are cheaters themselves.
But you have to ask yourself how a relationship survives if you are never around. Not an excuse for cheating, but you seem to have no room in your life for a wife.
Dont give her a dime, only talk to your lawyer if its with her.
You did the right thing buddy!
Sorry it happened to you, but no man deserves that
Is it harsh? Yeah. Are you wrong? Nope. She FAFO. Let your lawyer take the lead here and you do you.
Actions have consequences. Fuck around and find out. Etc etc.
Good luck. Don’t look back.
Did you ask?
Women don’t leave good lovers.