This year, the OP is scheduled to work Christmas but has Thanksgiving off, which she is excited about as it is her first holiday off and she plans to celebrate with her newly engaged fiancé and both families. When a coworker, June, who has two young children, asked the OP to swap her Thanksgiving shift, the OP declined. When the OP refused, June insisted her children deserved to have their mother there, and accused the OP of breaking the informal office code, leaving the OP questioning if her stance is fair.
28F. I recently got engaged and have been at my current job for a little over two years now. I love my job, and feel honored to do it, but one downside is that we’re needed 365 days a year and so it’s common to work on holidays.
The general rule is that individuals who are new are first in line to work on Thanksgiving and Christmas. There’s also an informal expectation that individuals without kids will cover those shifts so parents can celebrate with their families.
People at work especially seem to care about moms being home with their children.
This year, I’m scheduled to work on Christmas but get Thanksgiving off. This is my first holiday off since I’ve been on the job, so I’m very excited. One of my co-workers, June, was in the same hiring class as me.
She’s a few years older because she started grad school late, and is married with two young kids. On Friday, she approached me and asked if I would be willing to cover her shift on Thanksgiving so she could celebrate with her kids.
I was a bit upset, since I’ve been looking forward to celebrating with my family, fiancé, and future in-laws this year. As I mentioned, I just got engaged, and this is the first time our families are doing a blended holiday.
I explained the situation to June, and she said that her daughters deserve to have their mom with them on Thanksgiving. I suggested celebrating the holiday on a later date with her family because I wasn’t going to be covering for her.
June was annoyed, and said I was breaking the informal code of the office.
I spoke to my mentor about this (she’s in her fifties and has kids) and she thinks I should have agreed to cover for June so her kids could be with their mother on Thanksgiving. I said that the expectation isn’t fair, since June was the one who decided to have kids and also chose an intense line of work where she sometimes has to work holidays.
Additionally, it’s unfair that individuals who chose not to have children are penalized for the decisions of others and expected to always work holidays. She asked me to take a step back and realize it’s not about being fair to June or me, but doing what’s right for the kids who already don’t get to see their mother as often as they’d like because she’s serving our country.
She said if I chose to have kids one day, I may think about it differently. I’m pretty clear about the fact that when I decide to have kids, I won’t expect my co-workers to pay the price for that decision.
I’ll note that my job is certainly a public service, and the institution prides itself on doing what’s best for the country rather than for ourselves. I’m alright with sacrificing my time and sometimes even safety to help the general public, but also, I don’t think I should be pressured into working every holiday so my co-workers can be with the kids THEY brought into this world.
AITAH?
Conclusion
The central conflict revolves around the OP’s desire to uphold her personal plans and resist what she perceives as an unfair workplace expectation that penalizes childless employees for the personal choices of parents. While the OP values her public service role, she feels pressured to sacrifice her own important family celebration to accommodate a coworker who invoked parental obligation.
The core question for debate is where the responsibility lies: should workplace culture prioritize parental needs over individual time off entitlements, or should employees who choose parenthood manage the resulting scheduling conflicts without placing an undue burden on colleagues without dependents? Is the OP justified in prioritizing her own newly blended family celebration?
Here’s how people reacted:
And holy crap – think of people who want kids and can’t have them. Or someone who had a kid and something tragic happened. “Hey Joe – I know you had Thanksgiving booked off but since little Joey is no longer alive, you’ll have to work.”
Next time you’re asked, please remember that “no” is a complete answer. You don’t have to explain why you aren’t working. “Can you work for me.” “No.” If a manager or HR presses the issue, say you have plans that have been prepaid and can’t get a refund. If they insist, tell them that they will be reimbursing you for the prebooked plans and compensating with additional paid time off.
And it isn’t about celebrating on the actual day. It is getting family together whenever you can. I celebrate with part of our family the week before Christmas. I used to celebrate with my mother on Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. We didn’t care what date was on the calendar.
If you haven’t checked with those you were celebrating with to see if it could **easily** be moved, this is where you’d be a slight AH. If they can’t easily move it, then not the AH at all.
Why would your family (whatever that looks like) be less important than hers?
I’ve dealt with many a situation where someone says “I get special treatment because I have kids” to which I say “your family consists of children for whom you are responsible. Why is that more important than mine? I’m responsible for many that have no relation to me yet they depend on me?”
What matters is that you know your family loves you and will do what they can to be present for you even if it’s at unusual times.
> I explained the situation to June.
That was your mistake. Explaining gives people an opportunity to try to convince you. Just say no I can’t.
> I suggested celebrating the holiday at a later date with her family
This is what she wanted you to do. This is just kinda rubbing her nose in it. You aren’t telling her something she didn’t think of so it sort of makes you seem rude. Again, NTA, but next time, don’t give suggestions like that.
You were scheduled to have Thanksgiving off, made plans, and do not need to cancel your plans. You could offer to swap with her. You work Thanksgiving and she works Christmas. I am guessing that would be a bigger no (although an actual fair trade).
My partner works shift work. In fifteen years, we’ve never spent NYE together (they get the choice between Christmas and NYE/NYD). Just part of the experience when you get into that line of work.
People didn’t care to have Christmas off but needed thanksgiving off, and some people really wanted news years off so they were able to work on the schedule and make sure that is was as fair as possible.
The fact that it was the first time you were getting a holiday off right after you’ve gotten engaged (congratulations, btw!) and both families want to celebrate it should have been reason enough to not guilt you for it.
Everyone should be taking turns giving up a holiday at this workplace, not screwing over newbies and people without kids.
I’m working Thanksgiving and Christmas, so is my SO (who has Christmas day off), but we’re having our celebrations the Monday after both holidays.
Just because we don’t have kids doesn’t mean we don’t have families.
June knew the deal when she took the job, if time with her kids on holidays was a big deal for her then she needs to find another job.
Coworker procreation habits are not your problem. Who has kids should not even be considered at work.
NTA.
They don’t know your life or desires. No you don’t want kids yet, but they shouldn’t make assumptions
If they really cared about kids spending holidays with their parents, then what about you wanting to spend time with yours? How’s that any different?
Take the day off and enjoy it.
Could she have taken a vacation day? I mean that would make sure she’d have off and aren’t relying on an INFORMAL rule, which seems to be code for guilt tripping coworkers. Her inability to plan a day off, does not make an emergency on your part. Enjoy your first blended holiday!
You can say to your coworker that you can swap it with Christmas. They can’t expect you to always work just because you don’t have children. You have a life too and you have family too.
Stand your ground and don’t give away your holiday.
NTA. June can celebrate with her kids on another day. And she can be giving thanks she has a job.
But for real, it’s your first holiday in two years and your family and soon to be inlaws will all be there. Go to Thanksgiving
Nobody gets to decide that their family is more important than your own.
NTAH
Penalized for not having kids
What will be the case for a couple whobcant have kids ?
Shoved in her face every year, that she not worthy
Rant: I hate this crap.