AITAH for asking my husband to pay off my debt.

The user, a 30-year-old woman, has been in a long-term relationship with her 31-year-old husband since they were teenagers, and they now share four children. In 2021, the husband received a promotion and requested that she quit her casino job to become a stay-at-home mother (SAHM), promising he would cover all household bills.

Since quitting, her small work-from-home income was used mostly for their daughter’s competitive cheerleading, leaving her short for personal needs and gas. After losing that side job, she accumulated $1,700 in credit card debt, which he reluctantly paid. Now facing $2,500 in new debt accrued partly because he refused to help with the daughter’s cheer commitments, she is asking him for a weekly allowance and help with the debt, leading her to question if she is wrong to ask.

AITAH for asking my husband to pay off my debt.

I (30f) have been with my husband (31m) since we were 17 and 18. We have 4 kids together (first one born when I was 18).

In 2021 my husband asked me to quit my casino job to be a “SAHM” because he got a promotion and needed more flexibility.

He then said he would be able to pay all the household bills which he has done since then. I had a little work from home side hustle that made about $300-$400 a week that would almost all go to my daughter competitive cheerleading leaving me with a little for gas and household things but I often ran short.

My husband never gives me any additional money for myself only pays the house bills. Last September I lost my little side job and I had to ask my husband to pay off my credit cards ($1700) as I had no income to pay them off.

He reluctantly did. (He makes roughly $200k) We continued to fight over money. I have tried to get a job but he denies them all saying they don’t work with his and the kids schedules so I can’t get a job but I have no money.

During my daughter cheer season he would refuse to help me get her to her competitions so I had to turn back on my credit card. (My daughter has been cheering her whole life and we CAN afford it if he would loosen up.) anyways, I asked him to help me pay it down and refuses to help me ($2500).

I also would like $200 a week going forward to help me with gas money and a little money for me so I don’t have to keep turning to my credit card. I understand that he does work hard for his money but I also work really hard caring for all of our kids needs and activities.

We do have saving which is a money from selling our first house and income taxes we have gotten for the kids but he keeps it all in an account I have no access to.

Here’s how people reacted:

Fickle-Lemon-5982

I’m a SAHM with 2 children (13 & 1) … if my husband pulled that crap I’d tell him that he can start paying for childcare out of “his money” and see how quickly his tune changes….. this is financial abuse….. you quit your job to help him be more successful in his, and you REALLY need to think about that because every year you are out of work you aren’t putting money into SS for retirement which means that if you divorced you would be working well into your 80s to accommodate for the lost years of wages.

I would tell him what you want and be clear about it….. my husband makes $167,000 and the take home is about $2200/wk….. that’s almost $10,000 a month… I don’t think you are asking for a lot especially with having 4 children. Stand up for yourself and don’t take No for an answer because you really are sacrificing your future for his present in this if something went wrong and you split up, you would be absolutely screwed.

Legitimate-Garbage54

I was a stay at home mom for many years. I continued to have access to all of our accounts. We arranged for each of us to have our own spending allowance monthly that neither one of us had to ask the other’s permission for spending from that money (it saved so many arguments about what was considered “worthy” expenditures). Then we had a household account that paid all bills and expenses (groceries, vet, children’s classes—dance, gymnastics, swim).

You should NOT be trying to pay for cheerleading on your own. Ridiculous. You should have access to every account. There is no “his” money and “your” money. You are entitled to the savings from the sell of the house. You would get half of that if you divorced.

None of this is acceptable.

zukiraphaera

NTA He’s fiscally abusing you.

Does he even have any idea what the cost would be for ALL the jobs you do, as a SAHM?
Just for a housekeeper.
Just for child care.
Not to mention all the OTHER jobs you’re doing.

You deserve better.

Sadly, what I’d suggest would end up having the children suffer a bit. I’d suggest going away for a week or a month, stay with distant family or friends if you could. You don’t take the kids. You leave hubby high and dry. You’re overdue for a vacation.

See how he fares.
See how he’d enjoy being a single parent.

Pure_Run_3878

This sounds crazy to me! For him to ask you to stay at home and then give you no money and no access to the money. Is abuse that’s not too harsh of a word either. You should not only have access to the accounts and to the money he should be willing to readily give that to you when he asked you to quit your job. I think y’all need to go to counseling cuz it may be way more going on there than just the financial part. This will probably open your eyes to way more issues! Praying for you

blueeyesaussie

OP, time to start documenting everything. For now and for the future. Back it up, in two places, in the cloud where only you have access. I agree with the others that this could lead to major issues. He should pay you for your job. And consider getting a remote part time flexible job online and start saving money in a private account. He is isolating you and controlling you and as you get older and get more independent it will get harder. Please take care.

Short_Coast2804

Time for a “come to Jesus meeting”
The jist of it is as follows: we are going to the bank together on Saturday morning to add my name onto every account we have there. I will have equal access to our money, as legally that’s what it is. OUR money. If this is not something you can live with, we will divorce, split all assets equally, and you will pay child support and possibly maintenance (depends on state).
Best of luck!

SquisherX

I think the most important thing here is that if he is asking you to stop work to be a SAHM and be financially dependent on him, that should come with a requirement of him to be financially transparent with you. You should know how much money comes in, how much pays bills, how much is savings, and how much is discretionary, and you should have a share of that discretionary income.

MaeEastx

So he cajoled you into stopping work to look after the kids, but doesn’t give you any money? And you can’t access money I’m assuming came from joint assets? Sounds like coercive control ,or at the very least deeply unfair. You should put money aside for yourself, even if you have to divert it from daughter’s cheerleading. Tell her to hassle her dad for it.

Sunshine_0203

I’d file for divorce – just for fun – serve him with papers – demand child support and Alimony – write up a visitation schedule for him – demand half of everything he’s got in the bank – then watch him turn while as a sheet – if that doesn’t scare him into considering you his equal then I’m not sure what will.

ComedianEmbarrassed1

My mom was a stay at home mom for most of my childhood and my parents had one bank account where all my dad’s money would be deposited and they would both use it for whatever they need. If you’re a SAHM (which is a job) with no income of your own then it’s not his money, it’s money to support the family. NAH

Melodic-Skin9045

YTA for not standing up for yourself. If you get a divorce, you will get lots of child support and you can get a job. I would consider it. Also show the judge how you have been treated. That is likely financial abuse.

He is treating you like a bang maid and nanny.

Maleficent-Crow-5

And this ladies is why you never give up your financial independence …OP your husband is an asshole and when the divorce comes, which it will, you’ll be left with nothing but the kids. Good luck

Competitive_Sleep_21

NTA. He is financially abusing you.

I will say that your daughter may need to cut back on cheer if it is too expensive but overall you should not have to beg your husband for money.

Madsmebc

As others have said you’re being financially abused. Legally 50% of his income is yours. Does he pay groceries? You need to call a domestic violence line and get proper advice.

Fair_Menu7110

Are the old quit your job so I can entrap you and make you do everything, and not give you any type of help, which leaves you with no way to leave…. Oldest trick in the book.

Ok-Willow-9145

This is financial abuse. The only way to end it is to get your own income source. Get a job, then get a lawyer you’re entitled to 50% of the marital assets.

joedirte2

Any withholding in a marriage is a huge red flag. Financial, emotional, sexual…. They are all forms of control that should absolutely not be tolerated.

thisisstupid-

Not once in 20 years of being a stay at home parent/wife if I heard my husband referred to it has his money, in fact he corrects me if I comment that.

ThatOneAttorney

He’s a scumbag. When my wife didnt work, she had access to my credit card/money without question. Seems like hes saving money to leave…?

Vivid_Bumblebee_9655

Never depend on anyone to pay your bills. Go back to the casino and make your own money. He does not own you!

pwolf1111

Give him a bill for child care and housekeeping. You don’t do this all to suffer. He’s making you suffer.

spaceylaceygirl

NTA- go see a divorce lawyer and ask about a forensic accountant. Your husband is a shysty asshole.

oreocerealluvr

Girl this is financial abuse. Divorce and then you’ll have steady income and half a savings nest

Throwawaylife1984

NTA. Your job paid for stuff. He doesn’t want you to work so he’s going to have to pay. Simple

RileysVoice

Financial abuse! OP you are in an abusive relationship. NTA but open your eyes!

Tomar72

Wow this is not a marriage, you are an indentured servant, plain and simple.

demonslayercorpp

You do realize if you divorce him you will not only have FREE TIME but money

JJExecutioner

is there a reason you say “my daughter” instead of our daughter?

Impossible_Ad_3146

Men are wired to be providers, unless the women be hoeing

Aware-Ad-738

Go get a job. Tell him to fuck off and stay home.

gotsarah

Financial abuse 🚩 this sounds so hard, I’m sorry

NSFWGIFMAKER

This is either fake or you are mentally disabled

rynslys

NTA. He’s using family finances to control you

First-Banana-4278

This is low key financial abuse.

Conclusion

The original poster (OP) feels trapped in a financially restrictive situation where, despite managing the household and childcare full-time after being asked to leave her job, she has no personal income and is accumulating debt due to unmet needs, especially those related to the children’s activities. Her husband, who earns a high income, controls all shared savings and refuses to provide her with necessary personal funds or assist with the debt incurred under these circumstances.

The central question is whether the OP is entitled to a personal allowance and shared responsibility for the debt given her role as the primary caregiver, or if the husband’s complete financial provision for household bills fulfills all his obligations. Should the OP receive an agreed-upon personal budget, or is it reasonable for her to manage all non-bill expenses, including her children’s activities, solely on credit?