When the user asked her boyfriend to speak with his son about the ongoing racist language, he agreed but never followed through. Later, the son was suspended for seven days after falsely blaming another student for making a supreme race comment at school, which he himself had made. The boyfriend seemed more concerned with the lie than the racism, leading him to dismiss the need for further discipline and state that the son’s racist jokes are part of his “sense of humor,” leaving the user to question the future of the relationship.
I (25F) am a Black woman, and my boyfriend (46M) and his son (14M) are both white. For the past year, my boyfriend’s son has been making racist jokes, including using the N-word and making jokes about Black people.
Just last weekend, we were playing an online game where he chose usernames like “Hitler” and “Forthej**s.” This was completely unprompted, and my boyfriend didn’t correct him.
I don’t feel comfortable addressing this directly with the kid, so I asked my boyfriend to talk to him. My boyfriend admitted he knows his son makes these jokes but never had the conversation I asked him to have.
Fast forward to earlier this week: the son came home saying that another kid in class had said, “White people are the supreme race.” My boyfriend didn’t believe him because it sounded like something his son would say instead.
Sure enough, the next day, my boyfriend got a call from the school saying his son was the one who made the comment. He was suspended for seven days. When my boyfriend confronted his son, all he said was, “So you lied to me?”—referring to the fact that the boy initially blamed another student.
That was the extent of the conversation.
Later, when his other son came over, my boyfriend explained why his brother was suspended and downplayed it, saying it was his first offense. He also compared it to fighting, asking me if I thought racial slurs were worse than physical fights.
I told him I thought they were at least on par, but he dismissed me, saying fighting only gets a two-day suspension compared to the seven days his son received for his comment.
When he picked up his kids from school, my boyfriend asked them what they wanted for dinner like nothing had happened. His other son then asked, “Don’t you know what he did? Aren’t you mad?” My boyfriend’s response was, “Honestly, I’m more upset that he lied to me.”
Later, when I asked my boyfriend what punishment he planned to give his son beyond the suspension, he told me the suspension was enough because his son “already knows what he did was wrong.” He also told me he’s not going to make his son stop making these jokes because “it’s his sense of humor” and people are “just taking it out of context.”
I feel like he’s completely brushing this off. Am I overreacting, or is this a red flag for our relationship? I’m starting to question if this is something I can overlook.
Conclusion
The original poster finds herself in a difficult position, feeling that her boyfriend is minimizing serious, racially charged behavior by his son. Her core conflict lies between accepting this pattern of behavior—which involves a lack of corrective action and a dismissal of her concerns about racial respect—and upholding her own boundaries regarding the seriousness of racism and the need for accountability within her partner’s household.
The situation forces a debate over whether the boyfriend’s focus on the lie over the underlying racist content demonstrates a fundamental misalignment in values, or if his approach, however flawed, is simply a different parental strategy. Is the boyfriend’s refusal to address the son’s “sense of humor” regarding racism a relationship-ending red flag, or is the user overreacting to a situation he believes is being handled?
Here’s how people reacted:
I mean if you’re going to try and come up with a fake story, you gotta try way harder than this. There’s too much going wrong. I mean first off you have the huge age difference. So you’re trying to convey the “daddy issues” trope with absolutely no subtlety at all. But obviously, you’re trying to say, you’ve been putting up with it for a year. 🙄
I’ll give you some credit, as it felt like you were setting up a school shooter scenario and were going to add something like “and when he asked for a gun for his birthday…”
Where did the kid learn this, if not at home. Because let’s face it, WE ALL have experienced racism either personally, media, etc and yet we are not all racists.
It’s time to have a frank talk with your boyfriend.
Either he corrects the behavior or you go, girl you deserve so much more.
It isn’t to get better either. I wish you the luck.
Don’t you deserve to be in a relationship where your colour is not put down?
Your “boy friend” is a racist and he’s raising one.
The only think out of context here is you.
Why are you with racist pieces of trash?
But yeah, why are you with him? He a racist white guy that almost 20 years older than you. Fuck him and fuck his racist nest. Ewww.
NTA. Unless you keep dating this creep.
Not putting a hard stop to that racist shit 🚩
Not teaching his son how to be a good man 🚩
Your boyfriend agrees. YTA to yourself.
Your boyfriend is racist. His son is racist. Why is he still in your life?
NTA
ESH