Following his niece undergoing chemotherapy, her long blonde hair began to fall out, leading the family to shave her head. A family group chat was created where the user’s aunt suggested that everyone shave their heads to show support, sharing a photo of the immediate family members who had already done so. The user, who treasures his own long hair, now feels pressured by his mother and aunt to follow suit, leading him to question whether he should comply.
The title probably already tells I’m the asshole, which I probably am, but I just need other people’s opinions on my situation.
I am 17 male. Unfortunately, about 6 weeks ago, my niece got diagnosed with ALL. Considering she has pretty much had health issues since birth, words can not describe how bad I feel for my aunt, uncle, cousin and especially my niece.
It basically broke their family apart, and even though I had never been that close with them, I really tried to emotionally support them (especially my cousin) to really let him know that I’m there for him and that he can tell me whatever is going on inside his mind at any time anywhere, which he has already done a couple times.
Now, I’ll get to the point. Last week, due to the results of chemo, my niece’s beautiful long blonde hair started to fall off, which they immediately shaved down. I’m not a native English speaker, sorry if I make this sound weird, but the next day, a group chat including the entire family was created where my aunt announced it would be wholesome if everyone shaved their hair off as well to show their support, including a picture where the four of them all smile without any hair on their head.
As soon as I saw this I thought it was wholesome, but doubted anyone else would do it. 2 hours later I arrive home to see both my sister and mother bald. Following by my other cousin, and grandma.
The next day when I woke up and entered the living room, my mom asked: “When are you ready to do it?” while holding an electric hair trimmer. I originally thought it was something to decide on your own, but since everyone else is doing it, I’m kind of being pushed into a corner.
I really really don’t want to sound egoistic, but I’m a guy with long hair, which over the years has basically become my personality. It’s pretty much the only thing about myself I love, and I really don’t think I want to shave it off.
YES, if I shave it, my niece could be shocked that her long-haired cousin finally shaved his hair off in order to support you. But if I have to keep things real, I might sound extremely rude here, but my aunt made a video showing my niece’s reaction to my mom and sister shaving their heads off and she did not even seem to slightly care about it (video went like this: aunt trying to show the picture to my niece, who is watching a cartoon.
She has to tap her maybe 4 times to get her attention, and when she looks, she just stares at it, says ‘wow’ and continues watching her cartoon). I noticed after this video, my mom started to kind of become pushy towards me shaving my hair, to show my support.
Again, this might sound rude, but in other words, she wants to drag me down into the pit with her.
This morning I got a text from my aunt, where she said it would be really nice if I shaved my head as well, in order to show my emotional support towards my niece.
If we have to keep things real, shaving my head will basically change nothing in the entire situation, but I can’t just say no, can I? I seriously really don’t know what to do. If my aunt would have shown a little more appreciation to my sister and mom, I would have probably considered it.
But considering she did not even reply to the pictures and just immediately showed them to my niece, as if you HAVE to do it, I don’t think I’m willing to do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I really really love my niece, and even though I’m not that close with her, I always really cared about her and made sure she always felt comfortable with me, and I have a lot of fun memories with her when she was a little girl.
It’s just that when they moved a couple towns away, we started seeing them less and less.
But really, what do I do? I’m almost getting threatened to cut off my hair by three people. And if I do decide to do it, what if no appreciation is shown? Yes I would have done it, to show support from my side, but if it’s nowhere to be appreciated, then what’s the point?
Conclusion
The user is caught between deeply valuing his personal identity, which is strongly tied to his long hair, and the significant emotional pressure from his immediate family to perform an extreme act of solidarity for his sick niece. His willingness to participate is further diminished by the perceived lack of enthusiastic appreciation shown by the aunt toward those who have already shaved their heads.
The central conflict is whether the intrinsic value of personal sacrifice for emotional support outweighs the perceived obligation to meet an externally demanded gesture, especially when the expected positive outcome (appreciation/impact) seems uncertain. Should the user prioritize his deep personal attachment to his hair or succumb to the mounting familial pressure to shave it?
Here’s how people reacted:
Both are genetic. As much as I wanna say that, this is the only reason you should not want to cut your hair, if it is a huge part of you and they know how important it is, they shouldn’t be pressing you. Just because they did it doesn’t mean that everybody should do it. Unless it was my own child or my besties, I probably wouldn’t do it. And I think it’s horrible that your family is using her sickness to guilt trip you to do something. You don’t feel comfortable doing. Even if your niece did have a huge reaction, like you said, it didn’t seem like she batted an eye about everybody else doing it, it doesn’t mean you would have to do it. I’m sure you could do something else for her. That would be even more special than a Group effort. . And maybe tell your family that you have something special in mind and it’s nobody else’s business it’s between you and your niece. But then actually plan something. I hate it when self-righteous family members try to pull that crap.
You don’t sound egotistical at all, btw. I understand how much hair can mean. My hair was cut short (I’m a girl) until I was allowed to decide not to have it cut when I was ~12. It wasn’t cut again until I was 22. It was only cut because I was going through some stuff + hadn’t taken care of it. I couldn’t get the knots out, so I had my cousin cut it. It was down to my butt at the time. That was 10 years ago. It STILL hasn’t grown back. It’s maybe grown an inch. It barely reaches my shoulders.
You can show your support in many ways… much more useful than shaving your head. Speaking as a cancer patient, there are few things more annoying than performative support. And when everybody’s hair is growing back in a few weeks and you’re still as bald as an egg, it hurts.
Also, people shaving their heads to show support makes having hair more important than it is. Being bald is literally the less hard thing about cancer.
Seriously, grow tf up.
I’m 100% on your side.
It doesn’t sound like anyone is actually considering her needs, and they’re just being performative.
She’s old enough to have a discussion about what would matter to her.
But,,I’ve never seen someone ask everyone they know to do this. So “you’re” not the asshole.
Emotional support is what matters most in a situation like this.
I don’t understand why people do this. It doesn’t help. Also, when your hair is growing back, your neices won’t. Which would make it more obvious.
What does your cousin and aunt and uncle have to do with your brother or sister’s daughter?
I have had cancer scares in the past and if someone shaved their head for me in “support”, I would get ticked off. I would rather get some nice peppermint tea and fuzzy socks.
NTA
Bon Chance!
You can just say no.