The husband then instructed their children to watch the destruction, briefly left, and upon returning, escalated by throwing his own clothes and the laundry basket around. Feeling scared, crying, and shaking, the user called the police, an action which her husband now blames her for, leading to his temporary removal from the home and causing conflict with their 16-year-old daughter. The user is now questioning the sudden, erratic nature of his behavior, wondering if it relates to mental health issues.
My husband (44M) and I (40F) have been arguing a lot lately over housework. Today he lost it. He started throwing all my clothes on the floor from the drawers and cupboard, he went to the kitchen and pulled all the dishes and cutlery out and threw them on the floor, and he yelled at our kids to come out of their rooms and watch what he was doing.
He went out for a walk for 10 mins to calm down, then he came back and grabbed all his clothes and threw them everywhere, and the laundry basket and threw that everywhere. By this stage I was crying and shaking and scared and I called the police.
I was also recording all of it. He stopped when I called police and I told them not to come but they did anyway. When they arrived, most of the clothes and dishes had been cleaned up (by the kids).
When they questioned him, he said I’ll show you exactly what I did and threw all the clothes and dishes all over the floor again in front of police and told them I needed to clean it up.
He was argumentative and laughed and told them he wasn’t listening to them when they told him to stop talking over them and that it’s his house and he’s not being violent and they can’t kick him out which is exactly what they did.
They told him to pack his stuff and leave and he walked into our room and got undressed and started to shower with the police present and the door open. They waited for him to finish showering and pack up and he blasted loud offensive music when he got in the car and drove off.
All of this stuff is out of character and I find it really erratic. He can be loud and impulsive due to his adhd but not like this. I spoke to a friend who is divorcing her husband due to his bipolar and she noted some similarities so now I’m not sure if there are some mental illness issues.
He is blasting me for calling the cops when he is a ‘peaceful person who would never be violent’ and has told the kids it’s all my fault because I called the cops over something non violent and now he can’t see them and my eldest (16F) is yelling at me that her dad would never hurt anyone and I overreacted.
How would you deal with this?
Conclusion
The original poster (OP) is in a difficult emotional position, struggling with fear, confusion over her husband’s erratic actions, and facing backlash from her eldest child who defends his father’s character. The central conflict is between the OP’s necessary action to ensure safety by involving the authorities, and her husband’s perception that she has maliciously ruined his life over a non-violent disagreement.
The core question for consideration is whether the husband’s extreme behavior stems from unmanaged issues like ADHD, a potential undiagnosed mental illness, or a deliberate, albeit destructive, expression of anger. Should the OP prioritize her immediate safety and the implications of his actions, or should she accept his narrative that he is a peaceful person who was severely provoked by a call to the police?
Here’s how people reacted:
If this is a first incident, it is unlikely to be the last. Behaviors like this escalate without intervention.
My former spouse had a history of depression but I hadn’t seen his mania until we’d been married for awhile. He started taking a prescription medication for weight loss and it changed his personality. He began to exhibit mood swings and started throwing things. Because he was “calmed down” by the time anyone besides me and the kids were around, nobody else saw it and reacted. I thought it was my fault because it only happened with me. Years later I found out it also happened in the car with my son.
What frightens me the most in your description is his response to the cops. Most abusers chill out and get very charming when the authorities are called because they are in control of their behavior and don’t want to go to jail. His irrational behavior continued and he’s fortunate he’s got some privilege of some kind going on or his ass would have gone to jail instead of just leaving.
IDK if it’s mental illness, medication, a brain tumor, or just a mental crisis of some sort that’s pushed him into irrationality, but it is not your housekeeping skills or some inadequacies from you and the kids.
Please seek the assistance of a trained therapist from a domestic violence shelter…you need someone who knows your needs, rights, and experiences. You need a professional in your corner to remind you that he can’t come home until he gets help. Your kids need protection so they don’t normalize this behavior and internalize the responsibility. Your extended family and friends need to STFU unless they are actually being helpful, and a therapist can help you set those boundaries.
You and your husband did not have a bad argument. Your husband is having a mental health crisis that endangers you and your children. NTA
In particular calling the police was correct.
Look we’ll get frustrated we all get angry. Adding every human being at some point in their life feels the urge to lash out and just do something whether it’s a punch a wall or call Aunt Martha fat. But we choose to exercise self-control. It’s as responsibility as adults to keep it under control at all times. I can remember I was 6 years old when I first was able to keep a grip keep a handle on my emotions despite the situation.
Throwing everything all over the place like that is hurting someone. Trying to fit like that getting emotional to the point where your spouse gets terrified and calls the police is causing harm.
Your kid is blaming you because frankly it’s easier and safer to blame you than to acknowledge that Dad is violent and a tiny bit psycho. Think about it it’s infinitely preferable to say that you overreacted than to deal with the reality of Father’s Behavior being very problematic.
In short you did not overreact. Your actions were entirely appropriate.
As for the house cleaning, why is it all on you? Do you work outside the home? Even if you don’t, a marriage is a partnership, not an employee/employer relationship. If you both work outside the home, maybe it is time to get some help in with the cleaning. It’s totally worth it.
You better look back at what your kids are seeing as “love” because your relationship with your husband is the catalyst for what they will think is normal in a relationship.
Sometimes these things ramp up for years before the mask slips off. Definitely reach out to the counselor that specializes in domestic violence. Your husband was violent, knows that wasn’t a peaceful way to handle a disagreement and showed his true colors to the police officers as well.
You did the right thing by calling the police and now there’s a record of his abuse started. Don’t let him tell you YOU did something wrong, HE did.
This is beyond AITAH territory. You genuinely need professionals to assist you and you need to get your and your kids out of there quick. His actions and reactions are huge red flag. So is your daughter’s reaction. That’s a huge, glaring, red neon flag. Your daughter has learnt that this type of violence against women and children is acceptable and isn’t a big deal and that genuine and completely normal reactions to said violence is “overreacting.” If nothing else gets you to run and not walk to get you and your kids to safety (and therapy), your daughter’s thinking should be the one that gets you to move.
I dont care if he is ADHD or whatever letters you want to find. If he does not deal with this you need to get out NOW and try and help your children get over his bad behaviour. This is not just about you any more.
You dont know if he would hurt you because he has not been this way before but he is now. Get him out, tell your 16 year old she is going to therapy because she is not old enough to understand and need to, and you, you need therapy as well as a new life.
Violence doesn’t just mean hurting another person. Verbal threats are a form of violence. Physical threats are a form a violence. Hitting, breaking, throwing things is a form of violence.
By your account he was EXTREMELY violent – just because it wasn’t directed at you doesn’t make it violence, and his behaviour was incredibly abusive towards both you and the kids.
You did the right thing calling the police, and frankly, I would seek a restraining order and divorce immediately. That sort of behaviour has no place in a healthy family life.
It’s not your job to worry about his mental issues, it’s his. You concentrate on keeping you and your children safe. It’s hard for your children to reconcile the dad they love with this behaviour so I understand why they might think you overreacted, but one day they’ll get it.
But if you asked me to describe a peaceful environment, it probably wouldn’t include someone screaming and throwing things.
His behavior was truly unhinged, and the fact that he did it with the police there shows that he doesn’t care for consequences.
He needs to go to therapy before coming back in the home near the children and you.
Safety first.
Friend. This is abuse. It is so hard to see it when you are in it. I’ve been in it. Do not stay with this man and do not believe his gas lighting that you overreacted. You did not overreact.
It’s best he does not come back.
He needs a neuropsych evaluation
Now comes the hard part of not letting him come back and repeat the pattern.
I’m inclined ot think ADHD is simple demonic possession.