The conflict escalated during the mother’s birthday dinner when she made a pointed, insulting toast, referring to the OP as a “hopefully temporary addition.” When the OP left the dinner after paying only for her own meal, the boyfriend accused her of being disrespectful and causing a scene, leading to an ongoing silence between the couple. The OP is now questioning the stability of her relationship based on her boyfriend’s reaction.
I (27F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for about a year and a half. Things have been going well—he’s sweet, we talk about moving in together, and I’ve met his family a few times.
His mom, however, has never liked me. I don’t know why. I’m polite, successful, I bring gifts, I make an effort—but she treats me like I’m just some random he picked up off the street.
Last weekend, it was her birthday, and my boyfriend planned this big family dinner at a fancy restaurant. I offered to help pay, and he said it’d be nice if I covered half since we were splitting the bill between “the kids” (his siblings and us).
Cool, no problem.
Dinner’s going well—until his mom raises a toast and says: “I’m just so happy to be surrounded by family… and some of the newer, hopefully temporary additions.” Then she looks directly at me and smiles.
The whole table laughed awkwardly. I looked at my boyfriend like, “Are you gonna say something??” and he just gave me a please don’t make a scene face.
So I excused myself, went to the bathroom, and when I came back, I told the waiter, “Split my items to my own bill please. I’m paying for myself and that’s it.” Paid my part. Left.
Later, my boyfriend texted saying I was “disrespectful” and “made a scene over a joke,” and now his mom thinks I’m dramatic and unstable.
I told him the disrespect came from his mom, and if he’s okay with her calling me “temporary” after a year and a half, maybe she’s right.
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the OP’s attempt to establish necessary boundaries against persistent public disrespect from her boyfriend’s mother, contrasted with her boyfriend’s prioritization of avoiding confrontation over supporting his partner. The OP feels validated in her response but is now facing the fallout of her boyfriend siding against her interpretation of the events.
The central debate is whether the OP was justified in leaving the dinner immediately following the direct insult, or if her action crossed the line into creating an unnecessary scene. Readers must consider where the primary disrespect originated: the mother’s comment or the OP’s exit.
Here’s how people reacted:
First off, mother overly involved and judgy about a girlfriend. Incredibly unhealthy and weird.
Second, he had every opportunity to ‘man up’ defend you and protect you, draw a line in the sand. Side with you and show you that you were his new family.
Finally, even after time to reflect he has identified YOU as the problem. Gas lighting, telling you that YOU are overreacting to a ‘joke’. Actually having the balls to claim YOU were ‘disrespectful.’ Oh and additional insult to injury, now being childish and trying to punish you with the silent treatment (which is kind of middle school level of maturity).
So yeah, I’d be done with this shit. I was once in a relationship with a girl who had a toxic family, so glad I don’t have that in my life anymore.
You need to remember that you’re not only marrying that person… you’re also marrying their family. Clearly, that family is toxic and may want to reconsider staying longer \[in the relationship\] if people like that cannot accept you. Family, whether extended or not, is about unity; his mother, I doubt knows what that means.
You are someone he can have sex with and still hold onto his family.
THEY are more important than you are.
Usually I refuse to give manipulative people what they want.
But always in the case “where mommy wants her baby back”
and her baby is still a baby not a full grown adult –
I believe they should get exactly what they want.
Give his mom the birthday present she deserves.
Her birthday wish.
Be done with the lot of them.
HE is never going to be of value.
NTA
When he finally messages you, just break things off. He’s not worth it. Grown man with such an Oedipus complex is really hard to date.
NTA.
When he finally contacts you again let him know that you’ve moved on and wish him well with his Oedipus Complex.
P.s. I would have stooped lower and added 3 bottles of their most expensive wines, a bunch of desserts, and some snacks – taken it to go and left it on their bill as a parting gift.
When someone tells you who they are, you should listen. She’s clearly saying it. And if you aren’t hearing it, his refusal to correct that nastiness is him saying who he is, too.
Sorry, but it is time to cut bait.
NTA