The user explains that they have a long history of facing major life events as equals and that they have a mutual agreement not to exchange gifts unless something specific is needed. When pressed, the wife admitted she felt left out because her friends and their mothers received expensive gifts, like diamond rings, after childbirth, leading the user to question if he should buy jewelry just to maintain peace.
My (34M) wife (34F) is pregnant with our third child. The other day, she asked what I’d buy her when she comes home from the hospital. I was caught off guard and said, “Nothing.” Since then, she’s been giving me the silent treatment.
For context, we’ve been together for 17 years, married for 9, and have two great kids (7 & 4). We’ve faced a lot together—family losses, pregnancy loss, a big move to another country (and back), another move across the country, and a chronic diagnosis for one of our kids.
Through it all, we’ve always operated as equals, making decisions together.
One relevant detail: We don’t do gifts. This was her idea early in our relationship, as we were broke college students and didn’t see the point in buying things just for the sake of it.
Even now, we buy what we need when we need it. The last time I bought her jewelry was last summer when she specifically asked for gold earrings, and we could afford them.
So when she suddenly asked about a gift, I thought she was joking. Turns out, she wasn’t. She explained that many of her friends recently had babies, and their husbands bought them diamond rings or gold jewelry.
Even our mothers got gifts from our fathers. She doesn’t want to feel left out.
To me, this whole push present thing feels like a commercialized, western gimmick—something that was never ours. We built a home and a life together. I don’t want to feel like I’m paying for the birth of our child, as if it’s just hers.
If she truly wanted something meaningful, she could have told me, not just pointed out that “everyone else got one, so I should too.”
I love and appreciate her, but she never wanted this for our first two kids. It feels like she just wants to keep up with her friends, many of whom treat their husbands poorly and love flaunting that they “run the show.”
Conclusion
The user is experiencing a conflict between his established value system—operating as equals, avoiding consumerism, and focusing on shared life achievements—and his wife’s sudden desire to conform to external social pressures related to ‘push presents.’ His reluctance stems from feeling that this request contradicts their history and that it feels transactional rather than meaningful.
Should the user adhere to their long-standing, shared agreement about gifts and mutual appreciation, or is the potential damage to the relationship caused by refusing this specific, socially-driven request significant enough to warrant breaking their established norm by purchasing expensive jewelry?
Here’s how people reacted:
I have four children. My husband bought me a new gift with each one. For my first baby, he gave me my very first smart phone. He also got himself one. He said it was so we could take and send lots of photos of the baby. With my second one, he gave me a new laptop. He said he wanted me to be able to watch movies while I was recovering from birth and to have editing software to make photo books from all the pictures of our 2 kids. With my third, he gave me my first iPad. He said I had to carry so much stuff with the 3 kids that he wanted me to be able to carry something small and light that I could use for reading books or watching something when I had some down time. And with my fourth baby, he got me a new smart phone with a better camera to replace my phone that was old and broken and wouldn’t hold a charge. All four were things I could have bought for myself, but the fact that he thought of me and wanted me to have something nice made me feel loved and appreciated right when my hormones and all the changes to my body made me need that reassurance the most.
I think your wife handled this conversation abysmally. She should have told you that she was feeling insecure and unappreciated, and it would mean a lot to her if you chose a gift for her to commemorate the end of her pregnancy journeys (I’m assuming since most people don’t go beyond 3) instead of demanding jewelry and then giving you the silent treatment. I also think you could be more sensitive to how she’s feeling instead of spouting all this nonsense about equality and how poorly her friends treat their husbands. Who gives a fuck about any of that? The only thing that matters is YOUR wife who is pregnant with YOUR child would like to feel appreciated by YOU. Anything else is just bullshit justification for your initial reaction that hurt her feelings. Apologize for not taking her concern seriously and communicate about what would make her feel more loved and secure. And then gently let her know that she should communicate better in the future when she has needs. You’re not a mind reader.
Like my dude your wife is pregnant again for the third time, seems to be an overall great partner and mother who is not generally materialistic or demanding, and you admit you never get her any presents. She is asking you to get her a gift this one time to show gratitude over the labor she went through and so she doesn’t feel left out from her friends and family.
And instead of just picking a gift you can afford and doing it you need to come to the Internet to get them to tell you that you’re right and your wife is crazy?
Not every request we make of our partners needs to be this air tight perfectly selfless and reasonable request that a counsel of internet randoms deems is okay
If you love your partner sometimes you do things you think are silly to make them happy as long as it’s not too big of a strain on you and the family
Seriously just pick a budget that is comfortable and get her a small piece of jewelry or something that makes her feel loved and appreciated. Maybe a birth stone piece with all three kids represented or something engraved with a special message. It doesn’t need to cost thousands but at least try to compromise and help your pregnant wife feel loved
YTA I don’t care how many down votes I get
One – I think she went about approaching this wrong, wording wise, she could have done it better. But if gifts aren’t normal in your relationship, how is she supposed to tell you she wants one besides – telling you she wants one?
Two – but maybe so did you. I never asked for anything post birth either. But my MIL (who isn’t even my favorite person) sent me a beautiful rubber ducky shaped vase with a full bouquet of flowers to my hospital room. And tbh, in my post baby blues drop, it was such a small thing to her but a massive gesture to me. My husband just went out of his way in so many ways I can’t even begin to start.
So, I do think there is some merit in acknowledging mommy post birth with something sweet. She has spent months sacrificing her health for the third time to grow your family. It’s not “paying her” for your child like it’s only hers. It’s expressing gratitude for the efforts and lifetime of changes she’s made as your partner.
It’s completely possible she feels left out or like you don’t care — not because you should have read her mind, but because you dismissed the idea out of hand. It’s fair to be confused but approaching with curiosity instead of judgment would have been kinder – “we don’t usually do gifts, can you tell me more what you mean?”
And yeah maybe it is crass commercialism but if she literally never asks for gifts then I don’t see why it’s so horrible for her to ask. It kind of feels like you’re just refusing on principle which feels weird given the stakes (ie being married, the fact that nothing bad would happen if you just got her a small gift to acknowledge she’s going through something taxing and stressful)
I understand this. But your wife is the one sacrificing her body for 10 months and beyond, going through the trauma of childbirth, losing more sleep and energy while she feeds your child. In a straight relationship where a couple has a biological child, having that child is not an equal experience.
I’m not saying a push present is required. But you’re not 17 any more. Your wife is allowed to have different wants and needs.
You could probably both do with compromising: you on your “we made this rule so it’s cast in stone” approach; her on her “I can drop a new perspective with no warning or context and expect things to change immediately” 180.
NAH.
Personally, I think it’s ridiculous, but is it the hill you want to die on? A diamond ring is outlandish, but something more reasonable?
Here’s why I ask: she’s already shown that she’s exceptionally reasonable about gifts. You’ve been together 17 years, and in that time, you got her one nice gift — because she asked. You might not like *how*, but she did ask this time, too. As a single “event,” under normal circumstances, she’s being unreasonable, but considering the fact that this is only the second time in your relationship, it seems like a small gift is acceptable.
The issue here isn’t the jewelry; it’s that she’s giving in to peer pressure and, in the process, turning against me when it’s always been us against the world. How do you explain to your pregnant, hormonal, love-of-your-life that the problem isn’t the shiny object, but the sudden shift in us? Serious answers only.
Yes I’m a woman. Yes I think a push gift is ridiculous 😂. She’s likely just hormonal and feeling like nothing but an incubator. Give her some nice foot massages and sweet surprise random notes telling her how beautiful she is to you and your favorite things about her, what she brings to your life… and leave out the parts about being a mom. Help her preserve and remember some of her own identity that brought you two together.
Trying not to sound like an info commercial but a little investment now (the gift) will bring greater returns in the future (happy marriage). When I look back at my marriage I wish I would have done the little extras. At least that is my two cents and maybe that is all my advice is worth.
If you guys “dont do gifts” but now she wants one, whats wrong with giving her one? But she has to realize that this is a major change in your relationship dynamic and asking for it is novel and worth discussing.
With that said…. gifts are awesome!!! You are missing out in life by denying yourselves the joy of both giving and receiving a well-thought out gift
Honestly though? You both sound like you need to have a calm conversation around it gift giving habits need to change, and if you’re both happy with the way you do gifts now.
Saying this as a pregnant woman now.
I think it is a thoughtful idea that would’ve brought us closer together. An acknowledgement of the sacrifices the mom has made for the family and a father supporting even in the smallest ways can increase the bond between a husband and wife.
She asked you for something. Does it have to be diamonds or gold, no. But you could shell out for her to get a freaking massage. She’s carrying your THIRD child. Idc if my husband and I have that kind of agreement, if I wanted something he would get it for me.
Ladies: if he wanted to, he would.
Women die while giving birth or complications. She made a huge sacrifice of her body and health to give you children. Buy the stupid present bro.
It is very difficult for women to resist peer pressure. They are wired to be “like the others”. Men often do not understand this and see it as a weakness.
You have two choices; either you haver her to change her friends or you give her a gift.
I don’t think the option “you keep the same friends” + “no gift” is on the table…
You say you get each other gifts when you ask for them- she’s asking for a gift.
I get she might be keeping up with her friends and stuff but its also something she wants. She will have given birth to three children to help form your family unit- thats an unreal strain on her physically, mentally and emotionally.
I have most meaningful ring from birth of my first kid. It’s special, a bit of talisman if you want.
But I was lucky enough to be married to guy who never questioned what child birth gets a reward. Cultural things, you know. But you can stick to your usual approach, why not. It is always nice not to show appreciation.
Some battles aren’t worth fighting. Sometimes it’s worth buying a small gift
NTA
People need to stop acting entitled for just living life
Hopefully you don’t allow her to emotionally manipulate you since “all her friends” do it. SMH
Especially if it’s your third
Shouldn’t the child be the greatest reward?
You did some pushing as well..