The conversation quickly deteriorated when the OP asked about having more children, to which the partner gave a firm ‘no.’ When pressed about the OP undergoing a contraceptive procedure, the partner refused, stating that removing the OP’s reproductive organs would somehow invalidate her womanhood. He also rejected the idea of a vasectomy for himself, equating it to a loss of manhood, and insisted the OP should remain on painful birth control because it has ‘worked so well.’ The immediate aftermath left the OP in distress and confusion, questioning whether her partner expects her to endure lifelong pain. The central question is how to proceed when their fundamental needs regarding bodily autonomy and reproduction are in direct conflict.
Due to the support and advice I found on here I managed to get the confidence and level headspace needed to try to have another conversation with my partner. After getting our children to their school/daycare for the day I went to our local coffee shop to pick us up each a cup, I figured it can either be seen as a show of care or a peace offering.
Once I got home he was sitting at our island doom scrolling through TikTok (I think we’ve all been there), I decided standing across from him would be a bit of a better choice so I gave us our respective cups and asked if I could get his attention for a conversation.
I started by asking the big question of if he wanted anymore children; with that he answered a firm no and told me as he said before a third child is and will always be off the table.
I then asked if he had any fears or concerns about surgeries/medical procedures, he said no to this question as well. So I asked if he understood the procedure and what it entailed and he said yes he does which is why he doesn’t want me to get it done, in his words I wouldn’t be a woman if I got any part of my reproductive organs (what makes me a woman) removed and he refuses to allow me down that path.
I then followed up by asking about his getting a vasectomy and he said it’s pretty much the same thing for men and he won’t let anyone take away if manhood. The final question I managed to ask was did he just expect me to be on birth control forever and this man looked me in m face and said it’s worked so well for me already why change things up, guys as I stated in my previous post I am miserable and in debilitating pain with birth control.
At the end of this I just grabbed my coffee and went sit on our porch just trying to wrap my head around the conversation while he sit in the house acting like nothing is wrong and we’re just having a normal day off together.
Conclusion
The OP is currently positioned between their serious, debilitating physical discomfort caused by current birth control and their partner’s rigid stance on reproductive control. The partner has expressed opposition to both the OP getting sterilized and himself getting a vasectomy, ultimately demanding the OP continue a painful regimen for the sake of his comfort and his views on gender roles.
The conflict now centers on whose needs take precedence: the OP’s physical well-being and autonomy, or the partner’s emotional attachment to traditional gender norms regarding fertility and surgery. Readers must consider whether a relationship can sustain itself when one partner requires the other to endure significant, ongoing physical suffering to maintain the status quo.
Here’s how people reacted:
I am now wondering how he conflates a vasectomy with a full castration. How much more of a man would he be by putting his wife first?!?
And for him to tell you that he would not consider you a woman? That is so messed up. Does he really consider every woman who has survived breast cancer through a mastectomy or ovarian cancer through a hysterectomy as no longer being a woman?
Your children will be learning this attitude from him.
But, now you are in possession of the facts and can make a rational decision about how to move forward.
I grieved losing my uterus. My husband said it changed nothing in his eyes. A guy who tells you if you do your surgery or have complications like mine won’t be there for the long haul.
But also… the eye roll? Yeah, that wouldn’t fly either.
Tubal ligation, tubal removal, and vasectomies don’t make someone less of a woman or man. The stigma behind vasectomies needs to end. Men will still have orgasms just like women will.
I commend you for trying to have a rational discussion with him.
I have a hard time advising secret surgeries, especially because you can’t predict what might go wrong. He could find out. You may end up having to tell him. It could cause serious problems in your marriage if you go through with it, and you need to be ready for the worst possible consequences. Would he consider it a deal-breaker? If yes, would you still do it?
I’m going to be 100% real here:
The ONLY way I know if my patients have had sterilisation surgery, or orchidectomies hysterectomies, oophorectomies, mastectomies is to READ THEIR NOTES.
You won’t know from being around these folk.
Your husband is FULL OF BS.
There is a man out there for you that will treat you with the respect you deserve, and this one is not him.
Do what you need to do for yourself mama. He can’t forbid you crap and you should not just accept living in pain forever.
If he then blows up, that’s entirely on him.
Are you suggesting getting a hysterectomy as birth control?
I am always amazed at the crap people tolerate in their relationships.
How about a hysterectomy if you needed one??
He’s F’in gross. Sorry. Not really sorry.
Your husband however, is a full on wankstain.
Leave.
Get ducks in a row, and go.
Also, make sure everyone knows why.
Updateme!