Following a subsequent argument where OP admits to yelling, his girlfriend began retaliating by locking the bedroom door at night, forcing OP to sleep elsewhere. This pattern repeated after a brief reconciliation following a vacation. After returning from a two-week work trip to find the door still locked, OP changed all the locks on the house, leading his girlfriend to record him. OP is now questioning whether his frustration and subsequent action of changing the locks make him the person at fault.
My girlfriend (36F) and I (29M) moved into a house that I bought last year. We argued at first about what each room should be. 3 bedrooms, 1 1/2 baths, 2 living rooms, a garage and a back patio.
I wanted an office and she wanted an office. At first I didn’t want to but I gave her the 2nd largest room for her office and the largest became our bedroom. I took a significantly smaller room for my office.
She occupied the 2nd living room for herself.
We slept together in the bedroom, as would any other couple for the first few months. We had arguments here and there but nothing major. After about 3 months, we had a big fight about decisions involving the house.
Pest control, upgrades, modifications, etc. She said since it’s my house, she will not be bearing any of the financial burden that would come of disposing of the pests and any issues that would come up with the modifications.
I wasn’t happy at first but in the end understood her point of view. I took on the financial responsibility. Shortly after this, I got mad and yelled at her during an argument regarding the pest control and the modifications she wants.
It was after that point she started locking the bedroom door at night, forcing me to sleep elsewhere. I tried taking the bedroom earlier than her one night but she just sat there, keeping me from sleeping until I left the room.
It took about 1 month for her to get over it and we started sleeping together again. This was shortlived. We went on Christmas vacation together, all expenses paid for by me. First class seats and fancy hotel.
Vacation was great. Once we got back, we ran some errands together and upon returning, she refused to bring anything inside. She was distant and shut the door on my while I was bringing things inside.
I confronted her about it to which she said “I needed to get into the closet, I didn’t care about your needs” to which I yelled at her again. She went right back to locking the bedroom door on me.
I went away for work for 2 weeks and once I returned, she still locks the door. I was fed up with it and changed all the locks in the house. While I was changing the locks, she started video taping me and asking what I was doing.
I know my yelling is a direct result of the actions she’s taking but Am I The Asshole for getting fed up with getting locked out of my own house?
PS: I haven’t look her out of anywhere except my office. She still has access to the rest of the house.
Conclusion
The core conflict revolves around the OP’s response to his girlfriend’s chosen method of conflict resolution: punitive isolation by locking him out of the shared bedroom. While OP acknowledges his own unacceptable behavior of yelling during arguments, his girlfriend’s consistent use of bedroom exclusion acts as a controlling measure that escalates tension rather than resolves underlying issues. The OP felt pushed to an extreme measure after repeated attempts to communicate failed.
The situation presents a clear impasse between boundary setting and punitive control. Is the girlfriend justified in using the bedroom lock as a defense mechanism following conflict escalation, or does OP’s ultimate action of changing the locks represent a necessary, albeit extreme, response to reclaim his space and establish a different behavioral contract? Where should the line be drawn regarding acceptable retaliatory actions in a shared living situation?
Here’s how people reacted:
She has the primary bedroom, the secondary and one shared living space occupied and doesn’t want to pay for anything.
She will sue you once you try to break up with her. That’s why she is recording you when you’re pissed off.
Get cameras, get a friend to move in temporarily so you have a witness and serve her an eviction notice.
Move into the bedroom, use both the living rooms, move her to the smaller office. Tell her it’s either that or she can pay 2/3 the mortgage for her rent.
Dude, it’s time to end this and get her out of your house.
If she doesn’t financially contribute to the house why are you giving her the larger room for her office and getting kicked out of your room?
Kick her out, end the relationship.
Evict her. She has no right to lock you out of any part of your house.
It seems like she really hates you and emphasises it constantly by locking you out of your bedroom for any reason!
Change the locks to the FRONT door, back door, garage door.
NTA.
Forget changing the locks, change your girlfriend.