The messages revealed that the husband was speaking very negatively about the OP to his friends, calling her useless, claiming he felt trapped, and stating that marrying her was a mistake, only done because she became pregnant with their son. When confronted, the husband dismissed the comments as typical ‘guy talk’ and told her she was overreacting. This has left the OP feeling betrayed and questioning the entire foundation of her marriage, leading her to wonder if she is overreacting to this serious disclosure.
So I (32F) have been married to my husband (34M) for about five years now. We have a son together, and I have another child from a previous relationship. I thought our marriage was mostly ok, like not perfect but whose is?
We have our challenges like any other couple. I never thought anything major was wrong.
But recently, something happened that’s been eating at me. A few weeks ago, we had some of his friends over for a BBQ, and after everyone left, I noticed his phone was left on the kitchen counter.
Normally, I wouldn’t even touch it, but a notification from his group chat popped up, and I saw my name.
I don’t know why I did it, but I opened it. I guess some part of me wanted to know what was being said. Well, it was worse than I could have imagined. He was trash-talking me to his friends!
Saying stuff like, “I never should have married her, it was a mistake,” and “I feel trapped. She’s basically useless and I have to do everything.” He even said the only reason he married me was because he felt he had no choice after I got pregnant with our son.
I felt like someone punched me in the gut. Like, I never thought he would talk about me like that to anyone, let alone his friends. These are people I see regularly, and the whole time they’ve been hearing him say I’m a burden or that our marriage was a mistake.
When I confronted him about it, he said it was “just guy talk” and that I shouldn’t take it so personally. He said all guys vent about their wives and that it wasn’t serious. But how can I not take it personally?
He said our whole marriage was a mistake. He said I was a mistake.
Now I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel like I’ve been living a lie, like maybe he never really loved me at all. He keeps telling me to let it go, that I’m overreacting, but I don’t know how to move past this.
I’m seriously considering divorce, but now I’m wondering, am I overreacting? Is this normal? Do all guys talk like this about their wives, and I’m just being too sensitive?
I don’t know if I can stay with someone who thinks I’m a mistake. AITA for wanting to divorce him over this?
Conclusion
The OP is currently in a state of intense emotional distress, feeling as if her marriage has been built on a lie after learning her husband’s private negative opinions about her and their relationship. Her husband is pressuring her to dismiss the messages as mere venting, creating a conflict between her legitimate feelings of betrayal and his insistence that she is being overly sensitive.
The central debate is whether words spoken privately to friends, even extremely damaging ones that question the legitimacy of the relationship, constitute grounds for ending a marriage, or if the OP should accept the husband’s explanation that such venting is normal and requires her to ‘let it go.’ Is the OP overreacting, or is this disclosure a fundamental breach of trust?
Here’s how people reacted:
I think it’s time you consider hiring a good attorney. If there is any chance you can get his phone again, screenshot those texts and send them to yourself, then delete the evidence of the screenshot/message. Start documenting anything and everything.
I’m so sorry, but this marriage is over. End it would have ended no matter what, whether you read that message or not.
You’ll be much better off with this AH out of your life.
Leave him! He’s not going to do you any good at all. & Men definitely don’t talk about their wives that way if they really love them.
He’s disrespectful and childish.
Why does he think you are useless and it was a mistake?
He means what he said, sorry.